I Knew You Were Trouble…

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now… Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.” – Trouble, Taylor Swift

Say what you want about Taylor, she knew what the hell she was talking about when she wrote this song.

Trouble.

For some folks this is synonymous with bad, but I’ve never been attracted to the typical definition of a bad boy. No, no I like clean cut guys who can rock a suit just as comfortably as some basketball shorts. And I’m not into the Stringer Bell kinda dude either. I’m corny, so I tend to like guys who don’t take themselves too seriously… and you know, who aren’t into committing crimes.

None of that sounds too bad, right?

Except that I have this horrible affinity for playboys. Charmers. Smooth operators. Whatever word you want to call them, if there’s a guy around who knows how to talk a good game (and I’m attracted to him), chances are there’s trouble in my future.

I know this. It’s not a mystery to me at all. And so, along my dating journey, I’ve tried to combat this desire of mine by occasionally dating the guy who’s not at all trouble — the one who can’t charm the pants off of me with one word, the guy who’s just perfectly fine and good… and you know what happens? Disaster.

One time I even went on a date with a guy and was so utterly disappointed in the guy and the date that I immediately went home and aim-ed my ex-whatever he was (clearly this was sometime ago by the AIM reference), because I knew at least he could put a smile on my face after that horrendous evening. Well, I was right. He did put a smile on my face. And then we proceeded to getting back to doing whatever it was we were doing previously for several more months… even though I initially ended things because I sensed how much trouble he was! The man’s nickname between my friends was “crack” after all. If that doesn’t sound like trouble, I don’t know what does.

But he’s certainly not my only trouble guy experience. Over the years, there have been plenty, including but not limited to Benny, Mr. Carter, JD, Comedy Central, Jake, Cosby, and others who’s nicknames won’t work on the blog.

Each time I know the guy is trouble (when he walks in)… and yet, each time I’m still drawn in. Each time I’m sure my guy friends roll their eyes and think, there she goes again. And each time, I’m all “but he’s different!”

He’s not, though. He’s trouble just like the one right before him.

Do you have a similar problem – guys/girls you know are trouble when you first meet them, but you can’t pull away? C’mon, don’t leave me here out on this island with just Taylor.

That Only Happens in Hollywood…

Really, this is sexy??
Photo Credit: http://www.journeywithjudith.com

It happens so often in the movies and on TV you’d think it happened in real life. There they are – fighting and impassioned about whatever problem they’re having. They’re screaming and carrying on, their faces twisted in anger; you might even see the woman push or slap the guy, and then the next thing you know, they’re…kissing? And making out? And what?! Having sex?

Wait, what?!

This has always confused me – the sexy fight or the argument that leads to sex that Hollywood so often portrays. Who actually does this in real life? I mean, am I the only one missing out on this angry sex life? Cuz, if not – we’ve got a real disconnect here.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been in arguments before with guys I dated. And I’ve had sex with guys I’ve dated. But never has the argument led to sex. Now make-up sex, okay – I can understand that. But who’s in the midst of a passionate argument and starts looking at that person with lust in their eyes? Outside of Ne-yo, I guess, but that song was confusing too. Sex is the LAST thing I’m thinking about at this time!! And I’m certainly not getting all turned on if you’re grabbing me up by my wrists in an aggressive move because you’re angry! What?! Get out of here with that mess.

One of my friends suggested that it may happen only in lust-filled relationships, so someone you’re actually dating wouldn’t count. Okay, except that I’ve had that too. Lest we forget Cosby Show, who before he became something else in my life was nothing but a cut-buddy for years, mostly because we didn’t really like each other when we weren’t having sex. So trust me, we got into plenty of arguments. And guess what? None of them ever made me look at him and want to jump his bones.

In fact, usually it made me throw him out of my apartment or dorm room.

So maybe I just don’t get it or maybe Hollywood is completely out of touch with this one, but either way, I’ve never experienced this situation. Have you? And if you have, how? I’d really like to know how you went from pissed off to worked up, because heck – maybe I am missing out on something great here!

Inquiring minds want to know!

Forgiving Jake, Cosby, and Me

Photo: paulcoelhonblog

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Do you ever have those moments in your life when it seems like one specific topic is coming up more often than others? I do. And when it happens, I usually try to step back and see why.

Well, recently, I’ve been receiving all kinds of messages about forgiveness. TdotB was the first one to bring the subject to me about a month ago when she and I were discussing forgiving people in our past. Well really, she was discussing it and I was commenting on the general topic, not necessarily saying that I had or that I should. Then, one day while checking my emails, I noticed that I’d gotten backed up on reading my emails from Joel Osteen.  So, I clicked on an old one, prepared to just read a bunch at one time, and I realized that the message was also about forgiveness. Then 2 weeks ago, I received an invite from Chasing Joy to participate in her weekly Flashback Friday posting, and the topic of that week was – you guessed it – forgiveness.

It was fair to say that the idea of forgiveness was all around me. But why? I don’t consider myself a bitter person by any means, and for the most part, I’ve been particularly happy and somewhat carefree this year. But when I read the topic of the Flashback post, (she’d asked her readers to submit an old blog post that centered around forgiveness), I realized that even though I’ve spent four + years of writing and discussing some pretty personal topics on here, I actually had none on that one. Really? None? Not even on Jake or Cosby, I wondered.

Nope, not a one. And that made me sad, because I then wondered if that meant I hadn’t actually gone through the process of forgiving them yet. And then also forgiving myself of the decisions I made while with both of them.

I have to admit that this all kind of hit me. Because by all accounts, I’m in a good place with Jake. And by good place, I mean – we work very well in groups and in business, but it doesn’t usually go beyond that. And I hadn’t talked to or cared to talk to Cosby since the beginning of this year, but it wasn’t something that bothered me. And so since I wasn’t bothered, I’d just assumed I was good to go. But the question remained – had I actually forgiven them?

If the personal journal posting I wrote in January that included a picture of a ripped up poster I made for Cosby was any indication, the answer was no. Or how about the shock I had when Jake wished me luck on my new job when the guy I was dating didn’t even care to do so (clearly he’s not around anymore folks, so no need to get up in arms over him lol)? I expressed this emotion to C-Murder and she replied kinda casually, ‘Well that’s because Jake is your friend.’

‘Is he,’ I asked.

‘Yes. I mean not in the traditional way, but y’all will always be there for each other and thus always be friends.’

‘Hmmm, I don’t know,’ I replied. I also made a face, but since we were on the phone she couldn’t see it.

And then I stepped back and thought about that face I’d just made. Probably another indicator that I hadn’t forgiven him like I thought I had. Our latest homecoming adventure might have been another.

But I still kept going back to the fact that usually if you haven’t forgiven someone of something, it weighs on you. It eats at you. You’re constantly upset and/or angry. And I was none of those things. Remember, I’m the girl who just wrote about the joys of dating. That woman couldn’t still be hurting and suffering from the fact that she hadn’t forgiven the people of her past (including herself) and thus also hadn’t let go of the pain.

And yet, when I finally stopped denying it, I realized that I was that same woman all in one. Sure, not forgiving them hadn’t consumed me consciously, but it’s possible that it had affected me subconsciously. Maybe it’s the reason I haven’t been excited about a guy in a couple years. I’ve dated, sure. I’ve been in relationships. I’ve had some fun times. But I haven’t made it past 5 months with anyone because truthfully, I haven’t cared if I do. And the one or two guys who managed to catch my attention more than the rest, even when those didn’t work out – it barely managed a shrug from me. That’s crazy, right?

I mean, It’s been 2 1/2 years since I finally let go of the idea of Jake one day being my husband in quite possibly one of my more dramatic outbursts ever. And it’s been 10 months since Cosby and I had one of our frequent “you don’t understand how much you mean to me” conversations (<– his words) that always ended with him also saying that he just wasn’t equipped to be with someone right now. The difference with this one was that less than a month later, he was equipped to be with someone because he apparently was with someone. Just not me. And he was expressing how much he loved her all over Facebook.

It’s also been two years since I wrote this post about learning from those experiences. And two years since I wrote this one about being over them both. But in the time that has passed since then, I’ve yet to really give my heart to someone else. I don’t think I’d noticed that until recently. Until all this forgiveness talk started coming up.

And I think, if I’m really really honest, there’s a part of me that still fumes when I think about them. And there’s definitely a part of me that hasn’t forgiven myself for dealing with so much less than what I deserved for so so long from both of them. And if that’s the case, like the quote above says, then that also means there’s a part of me that hasn’t moved forward.

And that’s just not acceptable.

So starting today, I’m making it my business to do so. I’m working towards forgiving Jake and Cosby, but more importantly I’m working towards forgiving myself. No longer will I allow myself to beat me up for the choices I made in those relationships. Those things are over and done with it, and they need to be in the past.

APRIL FOOLS! – Tricky Things We Women (Sometimes) Do

“You so cute with no make-up. (Wait hold up) Wait up. Is that make-up? Okay, it’s cool you fooled me…” Trey Songz, Don’t Wanna Come Down

Alright, I know it’s actually a few days past April Fools, sue me – actually don’t. Forget I said that. Anyway, even though it’s a few days later, I figured that I would provide a little more insight into some of the things we women do that some men folk know about, but for the most part are usually fooled by. Don’t worry, it’s not anything malicious – but it is kind of funny sometimes to know just how clueless guys can be.

So don’t say I never did anything for you… okay?

The No Make-up Make-up

The best of these “tricks” and probably one of the more obvious ones, considering the lyrics I chose for the top of the post, is the natural make-up look. I can’t tell you how many guys have said to me something like, “I love that you don’t wear make-up” or even better – “wait, I didn’t realize you had freckles” when they actually do see me without make-up on.

Let’s be clear, guys. Some women don’t wear make-up, yes, but most women know how to wear make-up that makes it look like they don’t have it on and they just happen to have the most even skin in the world  ALL. THE. TIME. Right. Just as a heads-up, you should just assume there’s some make-up involved (in your head, of course). No need in calling us out on this trick – after all, we do it for you. Everyone isn’t this bad, but did you see Trina Braxton’s bags under her eyes when she didn’t have any make-up on? EEK.

The BFF Shaper

I don’t wear mine very often, because every woman will tell you they are uncomfortable as BLEEP, but I’m pretty sure every woman has at least one of these things. That’s why I called it the BFF. And FYI – it’s so not size dependent. I have friends who are size 4s that wear shapers.

I’ll never forget when one of my guy friends found out that Beyonce wore shapers. He was so distraught. When I explained to him that the chances were very high that if he saw a really hippy woman with a small waist and everything was extremely smooth, that she was probably wearing a shaper, you would have thought I killed his cat. And he doesn’t have a cat.

The Extra-neat Apartment/House

We all know how important it is to show a guy that you keep a clean apartment – even if neither of you actually do. I won’t lie – I tend to keep my apartment clean until I find myself doing too much in life and then it’s all in shambles. (So basically no one is allowed over right now lol.) And this is precisely the time that a guy will want to come over. So what do you do as a woman?

Throw everything in whatever catch-all place you have in your home.

Mine is my second/storage closet in my bedroom. It has served me well over the past year and a half. Of course, now that I’ve divulged this secret – I may need to make some changes. hmmm. Anyway, please don’t think this is just for a guy we want to date. It took 5 or 6 years before Cosby ever saw my apartment slightly dirty – but he also never looked in my storage closet. So maybe it was a mutual understanding.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m not trying to get kicked out of my gender. Hope you all had a great April Fools and you didn’t get tricked too badly. Ladies – did I miss anything?

Silly Reasons Why (People Think) I’m Not Married

There have been a lot of comments over the years about the apparent new wave of single-osity amongst late 20s and 30s women. I’ve stated on HERE before that they must not be surveying the people I know, but I will readily admit that it is probably more common for women (and men) to wait longer to get married in my generation than in my parents’ generation. And let me tell you, in everyone’s infinite wisdom – I’ve heard some cockamamie reasons for why. When it comes to me specifically, the reasons get even stranger.

Now let me be clear. My family, albeit extremely southern, has also been surprisingly supportive of my decision to be single for now. Sure, one of my grandfather’s called me on my 23^rd birthday and explained that I was far too pretty to find myself as an old maid, so it was high time I started thinking about settling down. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was settled down at that point, just not with anyone I’d be getting married to anytime soon, and thus also not anyone who he need know about. Either way, he eventually wised up and got the hint and I haven’t heard a peep from him about that kind of stuff since then. Also my grandmother, his wife, finds ways to passive aggressively point out that she “sure would love to live to see the day” that I have children – but all in all, these comments aren’t that bad. And thankfully, they tend to be few and far in between. It’s the other folks that seem to think they know me that come up with the strangest theories. The church people back home. My parents’ friends. My sisters’ friends’ mothers. Those people, who couldn’t even tell you my middle name, are the ones that seem to think they have all the wisdom in the world.

Never mind that they assume I’m not married because no man has picked me (which is insulting on its own), they also assume that my singleness is not of my own choosing. I’ll talk about this in another post soon, but let’s just say that if I wanted to be married just for the sake of being married right now, I could be. And that’s not a guess – that’s fact. Anyway, here are a list of the craziest reasons I’ve been told as to why I’m not currently married by people who frankly, don’t know me as well as they think they do. And because I guess I need to do this – here’s my disclaimer: These theories are funny, so please laugh. I do. That’s why I wanted to share them with you all.

1: I don’t wear my hair straight. This lady told my sister that if I stopped wearing the pin-curled at night wavy look, I’d be married with kids by now. No lie.
2: I’m too nonchalant sometimes. No man wants a woman who’s NOT going to be all up in his face when he’s done something wrong.
3: I curse.
4: I go out too much.
5: I have my own apt and thus seem too independent.
6: I’m too open on my blog about my relationships. Guys don’t want to be the new Jake or Cosby.
7: I move too slow in relationships.
8: I’ve stayed ‘up north’ too long.
9: I didn’t move back to New Orleans.
10: I have my master’s degree.
11: I expect too much and only want to date suit guys. (Couldn’t be more inaccurate, by the way. I’ve dated suit guys before, but also teachers, a WalMart stocker, a waiter in a restaurant, a physical trainer – you name it.)
12: I’m too nice to people.
13: I’m crazy (my favorite reason of the bunch! Lol)
14: I’m too open about things dealing with sex.
15: I want THE FANTASY.
16: I’m short.
17: I cut my hair last year and have continued cutting it so that it remains above my shoulders.
18: I have several tattoos. (7 so far.)
19: One of those tats is the initial of a guy I was seeing who died tragically in 2007, and no man wants to be with a woman who has an M tatted on her foot unless that M is for him.
20: I’ve done too much on my own already. He won’t be able to ‘show me’ anything new.
21: I laugh too big.
22: I’m corny and goofy.
23: I didn’t continue waiting for Jake. He was going to come around eventually, you know?
and of course, 24: I’m a black woman.

As you can see, some of the reasons are inaccurate, some of them are just plain stupid, and some of them are a combination. And yet, I feel like most single women my age have been bombarded with their own set of foolish reasons as well. What are some of your greatest hits? Do share.

Unanswered Prayers and Dodged Bullets

There’s been recent chatter about the ideas represented in Beyonce’s song, Best I Never Had, that have confused me a bit.

Basically, the sentiment has been that women are silly for thinking that any man is sitting around thinking that he lost someone great when a break-up occurs, and therefore – the song is silly, because that’s the premise of the song. Yet, I would argue that the song is more about her belief that she dodged a bullet than about her belief that he missed out. Now, don’t get me wrong – she does think he’s missing out, but what person with some sort of self esteem doesn’t feel that way? Like Lil Wayne once said, ‘If I don’t think I’m the best, who will?’ Or something like that…

Anyway, let’s look at some of the lyrics to see if I’m right.

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind…

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ out

AND

I wanted you bad
I’m so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had.

That sounds like a woman saying, “thank you Lord” for not having that one work out. As much as I wanted it; it wasn’t the best thing for me. I’ve certainly felt that way. #Jake #Cosby anyone? But let’s take me out of the equation for a second, because other songs have expressed this emotion as well. Songs made by men. Popular songs made by men. Maybe we should bring in Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers to show what I mean.

She was the one that I’d wanted for all times
And each night I’d spend prayin’ that God would make her mine
And if he’d only grant me this wish I wished back then
I’d never ask for anything again…

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Some of God’s greatest gifts are all too often unanswered
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Is this not the same feeling? Am I trippin? I mean, isn’t it a human emotion to be thankful when you realize that the thing you thought you wanted wasn’t what you needed? I just feel like that can’t be something that only women feel. In fact, I’ve seen more than enough guys on Facebook talking about #dodged bullets to know that it’s not something that only women feel. But maybe I’m wrong, and I’ve completely misinterpreted the song. My theory, however, is that Beyonce’ has kind of become synonymous (for many men) with man bashing songs, so immediately the feeling is that she can’t possibly be expressing a legitimate thought that many people have. (And this is coming from someone who much prefers her “Diva” songs to her attempts at being deep.)

What do you all think? Is Beyonce’ perpetuating a silly emotion or is she just speaking a truth felt by many? And let’s talk a bit about dodged bullets. Have you ever had that “aha” moment from a past relationship?

“Are You Drunk Right Now?”

For those who haven’t heard yet, Drake just released or had 2 tracks leaked, presumably from his sophomore album that will be dropping later this year (or possibly next year, since the Young Money track record of dropping records on the initially stated date isn’t all that good right now). Of those tracks, his song entitled, Marvin’s Room, seems to be getting the most internet buzz. Teyana Taylor has already released a female version of the song, and a quick glance on Facebook and Twitter will show the many internet conversations discussing the topic.

Sure, some of them discuss the actual song, the lyrical content, 40’s production, etc… but for the most part, Drake did his best emo-rap job and got folks talking about the whole drunk dialing concept again.

Now, we’ve talked about this on CVS before, but only from my perspective as the former dialer, yet really… these days, I’m much more likely to receive a drunk dial than to do one (and I’m sure many of my girls feel the same way). In fact, on my first listen of the song, I immediately felt like I was experiencing deja vu.

“Are you drunk right now?”

How many times have I asked that exact question? Many. Way too many. So while plenty of my guy friends have been posting the lyrics on their Facebook pages, lauding the way that Drake so eloquently shows his and their vulnerable sides, I’ve been listening to the song remembering the times when I tried to decipher if men like Cosby would a) remember this heartfelt outpouring occurring on my telephone, b) remember it and act like they don’t or c) completely avoid the fact that it happened and thus feel the need to avoid me for at least a couple weeks, in hopes I’ll forget that you said things like ‘I need you right now. Are you down to listen to me?… I’m lucky that you picked up, lucky that you stayed on. I need someone to put this weight on.’

See, the funny part about drunk dialing is that while it’s quite embarrassing for the dialer, it’s equally as uncomfortable for the listener. I once had a guy tell me he loved me for the first time during a drunk dial. What am I supposed to do with that information afterward? I’m not drunk, so I won’t forget it… but c’mon, if you needed to get sauced to say it, chances are your plans to act on it aren’t that great.*

And yet, the drunk dials keep happening. Is it because we’re still answering, ladies? I recently (like sometime late winter/early spring 2011) fell to one of these dials and decided from that point on, I wouldn’t give him (or myself) the excuse of thinking ‘what if something’s wrong and I don’t answer the phone?’ Now, I look at the phone and say to myself, ‘self, if its important, he’ll call tomorrow at a reasonable time’ or he’ll leave a message. Since then, he’s done neither. Problem solved, at least on my end (with him).

But the drunk dials are going to still keep coming… to other women, from other men. Hell, in the past couple years, we’ve had a hit country song that talks about it and now what is sure to be a hit hip hop song. We’re a nation of drunk dialers!

Are you one? Do you still drunk dial or find yourself asking, ‘are you drunk right now?’ Why? And if not, why have you stopped? Don’t act like you never fulfilled one of those categories lol…

*Incidentally, he didn’t do anything but continue to drunk dial me and tell me he loved me for the rest of that summer. Fun times.

Ummm Please Don’t Disrespect My Fake Relationship. Thanks.

What makes you think this love isn't real? Because it's a cartoon? hmmm...

This past weekend, I made some pretty big girl steps as far as going out. For the first time ever (Ever? Ever.), I met up with my friends at the club. Meaning, I didn’t get dressed with a bunch of my friends while we pregamed and then headed out to the club, I didn’t go to the club with a group of friends so large we could make the dance floor shake, and I didn’t meet them at the train so we could all walk in together… nope, I got dressed by myself, took the train by myself, and walked in the club… by myself.

To those scoffing at this being big girl shoes, I would like to remind you that I’d never (ever) done this before. Now, the first two parts of this were not all that strange because I have met friends at bars and happy hours on my own, so I treated this time like those… but the last part? It was a bit more intimidating.

I mean, when I think of walking in a club, I think of making an entrance with my girls, surveying the scene quickly, heading to the bar and then onto the dance floor (all while knowing that we’d caught at least one person’s attention). But how does that work when it’s just you? Do you look like the girl with no friends for that brief moment you’re looking for your crew? Do you walk in and immediately start looking for them or head to the bar like, “I got this and I’m owning the fact that I just walked in here by myself”?

Side note: Incidentally, guys can’t understand this thought process because you all go out on your own all the time. But how often do you see a woman do the same? Heck, a lot of us can’t even go to the restroom without having a friend accompany us.

Anyway, these were all the thoughts running through my mind* when I felt the guy behind me checking me out pretty heavily. I turned sideways and acknowledged him (mostly to see if he was cute). Immediately, I noticed he was pretty attractive, small in stature, but cute… so basically, he couldn’t pick me up without falling, but his face was nice.

And then he went to speak to me and I had Jeepers Creepers flashbacks. All I could see were crooked, yellow teeth. I know that’s majorly superficial but I couldn’t get over it. I just. Kept. Staring. At. Them. And he just kept trying to holla… So I was left to do only one thing. Tell him I had a boyfriend.

See, he was a nice enough guy so I figured this was a nice enough way to blow him off. And I expected the usual, ‘but does he let you have friends’ question. This dude though? He took it far. He proceeded to ask me how long we’d been together (2 1/2 years by the way), tell me how my guy wasn’t serious because he hadn’t put a ring on it yet, and ask me if I could ‘help him with his resume’ (I told him I was a writer), which for him, meant we would need to exhange numbers in order for this assistance to occur. After nicely turning him down for the next 5 minutes, I finally got fed up and was like, ‘look, I’m in a committed and loving relationship. He’s the only man for me. Thanks but no thanks.’

The crazy part is that my Metro companion is not the only fella to try and call out my fake relationship recently. A guy in my apartment building kindly decided that I should know that if I kept giving my (non-existent) boyfriend the milk for free, he would never buy the cow. Now, I’ve never told this man I was in a relationship, so I don’t know who the hell he was talking about. And if he’s that nosey and was speaking of Cosby, then he should know that he wasn’t telling me anything I don’t already know.

Either way, both men got my blood boiling, or as we say at home, ‘had me drove, drove.’ How dare you try to come for non-existent relationship?!

RUDE!

My girls, has this ever happened to you? And what’s your go-to thing to say if a guy approaches you and you’re not interested? Maybe its time to change mine… Lol. My guys can weigh in too, if you’d like!

* Well that and thoughts like,  “I really hope this pink dress doesn’t fly up on me or something as I walk through the door,” and “goodness, what if I trip because I’m wearing 4 in heels tonight?” You know, things like that.

Simple Complicated Me

I (and other women) tend to love to talk about how I am (we are) fairly simple to understand and thus, also to please. I like the simple things, like calling when you say you’re going to call, telling/showing me you like me when you do, and partaking in a lil watermelon feastage/oyster shucking consistently – you know, simple ish.

But the other day I found myself listening to Beyonce’s Flaws and All on youtube and I thought about how complicated each and every one of us really is (men, included). It came to my attention after perusing the site for Greenlight because a certain Cosby Show had me feeling like he was holding up traffic; green means GO! And of course, after I’d listened to that song about 5 (million) times, youtube kindly suggested that I listen to something more love friendly… like say, Flaws and All.

Quick background on this song: while it’s not like the Alicia Keys song, Like You’ll Never See Me Again, in that I don’t avoid it like the plague; it was one of a few songs that I have a connection to through my Sweet November relationship. So basically, I can listen to it but I don’t actively go out pursuing it to listen to. Does that make sense? Hope so…

Anyway, on this day though, I said why not. And the thing that struck me instantly was that I’d forgotten just how real the song captured the idea of not liking/loving someone despite their faults, but because of them.That’s a concept I don’t think we talk about very often. You hear people say they love their partner for the man he will be or the woman she can be, but this song is like, nah I love your crazy arse just the way it is now. That’s so powerful to me! (and inspirational, because I know I can be a handful at times…)

I mean, if you think about it, if you’ve been friends with people long enough, you probably have things about them that can get on your nerves, but because you love that person as your friend – you deal with it. You make the decision that this person is important enough to you that their flaws don’t drive you away; they just make up the complicatedness of that person. So then, why is it so easy for us to forget that when it comes to people we’re dating?

I don’t quite have the answer to that just yet, but I can tell you that when I find a man who loves this train wreck in the morning and b*tch in the afternoon… basically, who accepts me flaws and all… I plan on screaming it out to the hilltops because that right there is some real ish.

Do you guys have any attributes that you think make you simply complicated; some flaws that your mate will have to love? I could probably write a whole 900 word post naming mine… what are yours?

The Inherent Benefits of a S3X Buddy

Is this all you're thinking of wearing for your s3x buddy? that's fine.

Quick disclaimer – this is not necessarily a promotion for having a s3x buddy; just me saying that if you’re going to have one, go hard or go home.

Throughout the lifespan of this blog, I’ve been fairly open about my opinion on s3x buddies: I think more people could have them successfully if certain rules are followed. (What I don’t think folks should get into is the grey, friend with benefits distinction… That’s when you start doing things like spending the night, cuddling, hanging out without having s3x, and basically confusing the ish out of each other.)

And yet, even though we’ve discussed the topic of s3x buddies, we’ve never actually discussed the benefits of having one. Here’s where you say, “ummm you get s3x, duh,” right? Sure, that’s one benefit… But trust me, there’s more! And I say this as someone who successfully pulled off a 4 year s3x buddy relationship with no problems.*

Go hard or Go home

Recently, some friends and I got into a conversation about whether it was OK to wear lingerie with your SB. Some said that it might be too much and that it was something only for your man, but then some said – ‘ummm if the point of your relationship is s3x, then you should get everything s3xually out of this relationship that you want.’ Meaning, if you want to wear lingerie – where it. If you want to try a position in every room of the house – do it. And if you want to open the door with just a bow on for Christmas – tie it. Lol

To me, this is the biggest benefit of having an SB. You can do anything and everything you want with this person. Some people may save those things for their man… I’ve heard women say that before. Heck, I’ve been the woman who’s said that before… But the more I thought about it, it just seemed like a faulty distinction. If you had a car that could drive smoothly at 150 mph and you never (safely) took it to at least 90, what the h3ll is the point of getting that car?

You feel me?

Once I realized that, the idea that I wouldn’t do anything I wanted with him (that we agreed on, of course) just seem ludicrous. But maybe that’s just me. This leads me to the next benefit, though.

Experiment All You Want

Oh, you say you’ve never had phone s3x, but you want to try it? If you have an SB, what are you waiting for? After having the conversation with my friends this weekend, it dawned on me that out of the men I’ve been with, the person I’d been with most was Cosby. The person I’d tried the most stuff with was Cosby. The person with whom I’d tried out my signature move 1st was, wait for it, Cosby.

And guess what, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Now, sure – I guess the 1st choice would be for those things to have come with someone who was my man… And there have certainly been things that I’ve learned or perfected with men who were my man… but there’s also been a significant amount that have come from Cosby. Because, I mean, if you can’t try out new moves or new places or new things with your SB, then you should probably reevaluate you guys’ situation.

Boost your confidence without Boosting your numbers

Maybe you don’t care about that kind of thing, or your numbers are so high (or low) a few extra people won’t hurt… but think about it – if you have one consistent s3x buddy for however long you two choose to be together, you significantly impact the number of people you’ve been with. As one of my girls put it, it doesn’t matter how many times I am with you, you still count as one person.

But more importantly, you should be boosting your s3xual confidence in this relationship. I mean, can you really be timid if you have a relationship built strictly on s3x? Does that work? And if so, wheretheydothatat?

Anyway, what say you, dear readers? Did I miss any inherent benefits on here? And who’s going out to buy that bow for Christmas? ha ha

*Yes, it was actually successful for 4 years. The two years after that, not so much. Where we went wrong was that we started doing things other than s3x. I’m just talking about what I’m talking about here, people lol.