From Vacation Passes to Pregnancy Ones?

23 10 2014

First there was the vacation pass — you know, the leeway some couples give each other to do as they please on vacation with friends without repercussions.

Then there was the celebrity pass — the game couples play where they list the 1 or 2 celebrities the significant other could get with without any repercussions.

And now there’s… the pregnancy pass?? The allowance some women give their husbands to have sex with other women while they are pregnant (without repercussions to the relationship).

What???

Does anyone find this as disturbing as I do?

Now I’m not going to lie, I’ve jokingly discussed the celebrity pass with a boyfriend or two. And I guess it seems a bit “safer” since the likelihood of your boo meeting his/her celebrity crush is a lot slimmer than them seeing a random cute girl in Brazil. But truthfully, even that’s dangerous in this day and age where everyone is a social media account away. And I would have been quite upset if it had actually happened.

This pregnancy pass thing, though? It just seems to me folks are trying to find any way possible to have open relationships without calling it that. And if that’s what you want, I’m saying — just own that ish. Don’t be carrying on like you’re in a monogamous relationship, but you just happen to be open to the idea of your husband having carte blanche for 10 months.

Naw.

Now I get that there are some factors in play here. Some women think they won’t be in the mood to have sex while pregnant. Some men think they won’t find ol’ girl attractive or that they’ll be too scared to hurt the baby and all that jazz. And to those concerns, I say to all parties — man up.

When you are in a relationship, especially a marriage, you make a commitment to fulfilling the needs of your partner (sexual and otherwise). That doesn’t mean you let someone else fulfill those needs while you’re on sabbatical for ten months, and it certainly doesn’t mean you drop your wife for almost a year because her belly is almost as big as her boobs. Besides, from the pregnant women I’ve talked to (and the ladies on The Real), pregnant women are typically “ret to go” any time, any place. So you might as well take advantage of the situation. No?

What do you all think, though? Did you have the same “naw” reaction as me upon hearing of the pregnancy pass? Or do you think it’s a legitimate suggestion? And have you heard of or participating in any other types of relationship passes? I promise — this will be a no judge zone.





Are You Thirsty or Just Interested??

24 06 2014
Photo: blacksportsonline.com

Photo: blacksportsonline.com

“Oh, you’re thirsty… Boy there ain’t no SOS; Filled with discontent; Finding you can’t quench; Why you try so damn hard?” ~ Mariah Carey, Thirsty

Destiny’s Child called them bugaboos. TLC called them scrubs. And now Mariah has used the current terminology, thirsty, in her song aptly titled, Thirsty. But what does it mean to actually be thirsty/a bugaboo/a scrub?

Well, as with most slang terms, a lot of it probably depends on the person using the word. Some have used it to describe any person that likes them and does something above and beyond what’s normally considered dating quorum (like calling 2 seconds after receiving that person’s number). Others have used it to really just describe anyone they don’t like who likes them. And still others use it to speak about a person who just seems to come off fake and tries a bit too hard at things.

Either way, even if you don’t know the meaning, I’m sure you’ve heard someone make a comment about thirstiness before — something like, “Oh he’s so thirsty! He called me twice this week! Can you believe it?”

Now, that’s clearly someone projecting because he/she didn’t like the dude, but in that purely hypothetical instance, thirsty was an appropriate describer for that person! She meant it!

And this brings me back to my original question. If thirsty is subjective to who is using it, meaning the definition changes based on the user, how are you ever to know whether or not you’re projecting thirst until you know what that one particular person does or doesn’t like?

It’s a bit of a conundrum right? Because as we’re learning things about each other while dating, chances are we’re not always going to get it right. We’re going to assume that this guy likes to be treated one way because the last few guys did or this girl likes to complimented all the time because the last girl did. And we inevitably run the risk of being thought of as thirsty during these trial periods.

And no one wants that moniker.

I mean, no one.

So what do we do? We combat the thirsty title by completely acting the opposite way of what could ever be considered thirsty. We play games (even though we don’t think that’s what we’re doing), and we make ourselves seem so disinterested in the outcome that we could never ever be thought of as thirsting for someone else. And guess what? There are definite consequences to that. I know I’ve found myself erring too much on the wrong side at times, trying not to come off as thirsty but forgetting that guys still need to know when you’re actually interested in them. And as I’ve said before, I’ve learned (and still have to remind myself sometimes because I’m a hard head) that while I’m over there trying not to be “that girl,” that girl is showing the guy I want how much she wants him and reaping the benefits.

This came to my mind recently when I took one of those Buzz Feed type quizzes (although it wasn’t actually Buzz Feed) to see what type of girlfriend I am. Unsurprisingly, I got the independent girlfriend. And the description had me both cracking up and instantly remembering just how dicey it is trying to toe the line between coming off thirsty and being a part of the could have been a love story duo.

Whoa, Ms. Independent! Your guy digs your modern style… But he’s sometimes left to wonder if you really like him. Keep that unique spirit, but show him your love a bit more often. No worries – you’re light years away from smothering him!

Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not really taking advice from a survey monkey quiz, but it definitely had some truth in it. I’ve had more than a few guys admit to me (while we were dating!) that they didn’t know if I was interested. Sure I can relish in the fact that they’ve never called me thirsty (to my knowledge), but I’m also not with any of them either. Some of those are for very good reasons. And some of them are simply because I was too afraid to be myself and risk looking like I was parched for water.

So what are yalls thoughts on thirstiness? Do you use the word and in what context? And have you ever found yourself using it to describe someone who was just interested in you a bit more than you were comfortable with or trying to not be thought of as thirsty?





I Woke Up Like This

5 03 2014

flawless2

Remember when Whitley and Dwayne Wayne finally got married, and suddenly, Whitley had to tackle an all too familiar concern for many women — how would she wake up just as cute as she went to sleep the night before? Now, obviously this is not a normal concern when one goes to sleep, until you add in the factor of now waking up next to your hubby or the cute guy you’re seeing who you want to always think of you as cute/sexy/fine.

Well, Whitley decided the best option for this was to wake-up about 10-15 minutes before Dwayne, brush her teeth, put on her “non make-up” make-up, freshen up a bit, and then strategically lay back in the bed so that when Dwayne woke up, he saw nothing but her beauty in front of him. I don’t know about you, but I got tired just typing out that plan! I mean, talk about a lot of work to look like “you woke up like that”!

Also, if you’re anything like me, it typically takes you at least one snooze before you climb out of the bed. So it’s fairly safe to assume that ol’ boy would wake up after 3 rounds of snoozing, completely ruining said plans to get up before him and act like that didn’t happen.

Despite all of my reservations with Whitley’s plan, though, I absolutely understand the desire behind it. So what’s a girl to do? I have a few suggestions (some easier to incorporate than others, but hey — all are easier than Whitley’s plan, so there’s that…):

Brush your teeth/Rinse with mouthwash before bed

Besides making your dentist happy, doing this simple act also helps eliminate that awful thing called morning breath. Now I’m not saying don’t brush your teeth in the morning as well, but when you do it at night, there’s still a little minty freshness left over when you first open your eyes, as opposed to last night’s dinner.

Keep mints near your bed

If you’re not a brush your teeth/rinse with mouthwash twice a day type person, never fear, there’s another option for you. Most people have night stands near their beds at this point, so all you have to do is keep a pack of mints near your bed in or on the night stand. This way, as soon as you roll over, you can pop one in before boo thang has a chance to lay a big one on you.

Figure out your “alternative” hairstyle to the scarf/bonnet

Okay, so obviously this one is for folks just starting to spend the night with each other, because let’s be real — after awhile, boo is just going to have to get used to your scarf/bonnet/ whatever situation you choose to wear at night to keep your hair healthy. (Also — this is probably a cultural thing. Not every race wears something on their head at night. If that’s not you, just skip to the next suggestion.) But if you’re still in the sleep over once a month/once a week category? This one is perfect for you!

The key is to figure out what works best for your hair. I find that I can go a night or two with my hair pin-curled without a scarf on and still wake up looking cute. The benefit to my pin-curl look is that it keeps my hair in the style I want, but it looks cute too! And then when I wake up in the morning, my hair doesn’t look I just got electrocuted and all I have to do is take down the curls, run my hands through my hair, and boom! Done.

Wear something that makes you feel like a woman

Now, this doesn’t have to be lingerie or a negligee, but if that works for you — by all means go for it! This just means don’t wear that ratty t-shirt and sweatpants with the holes in them. That’s not cute to anyone. What you want to do is find what makes you feel sexy, and trust me, that will correlate in the best ways possible for you. This could be a pair of cute/sexy panties and bra combination or a pajama set that hugs your curves in all the right ways. Whatever it is though,  just make sure it makes you feel like a woman. Key word — YOU.

Be confident in you

All of the rest of those suggestions are great, but nothing is sexier than self-confidence. If you wake up feeling like you woke-up #flawless, chances are he will too!

Any other suggestions you all have?





Being a Fool for Love

9 12 2013
Photo: stylegerms.com

Photo: stylegerms.com

There’s a quote in the movie, A Lot Like Love, where the character Emily says “If you’re not willing to sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.” Pretty controversial statement right there, but I’d argue that she’s at least partially right, in that I think she’s saying if you’re not willing to take the risk of sounding stupid for something like love, then why do you think you deserve the reward of being in love?

Risk and reward.

I think for most of us these two factors play out in our lives every day, not just with our love lives. But for some reason, in things like our careers, we’re more willing to take those risks. I know I’ve definitely taken risks in my career that have sometimes played out well and sometimes not, but it hasn’t stopped me from continuing to take (calculated) risks with it. With my love life, however? Ehhhh, not always. And if you’ve ever found yourself uttering something like, “I’m not doing all that” or  “I’m just not trying to be somebody’s fool,” I’d argue you are more like me than you realize.

But before we talk about the idea of being the fool or sounding stupid, I think we first have to look at our definitions of love. And there are plenty. The Bible says love is patient, kind, does not envy or boast. It is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking or easily angered, and does not keep record of wrong doings. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. And it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Webster says it is a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. Oxford says it is a feeling of deep affection. They also acknowledge that it can be a verb as well as a noun. And I’ve always been told by older family members that love requires action, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable with someone.

So there are all these various definitions that we can look to when we think of love, and yet – I think it pretty much boils down to something that is pure and good when used for the right reasons. And so if something is pure and good, and often what most of us want (at least eventually), then why are we so afraid to do whatever it takes to get it?

Fear.

Now I’ve probably talked about fear enough on this blog to last a lifetime, but it’s the only reason I can think that we put false barriers up like not wanting to play the fool. Of course no one wants to be a fool! You don’t want to spend time giving your heart to someone only to learn they don’t want it, are not ready for it, and/or have no desire to return the action. You’d be crazy to seek that out. But that doesn’t mean love doesn’t require that you take that risk to achieve it.

We don’t want to hear things like that about love though — the parts about sacrificing and giving up of one’s self. So what do we do instead? We play it cool when we want to do anything but that for fear that we’ll come off thirsty. We say things like “I could go for dinner tomorrow,” when we really want to shout out “I would love to see you tomorrow. I want to see you every tomorrow.” We let the risk of being the fool for love stop us from achieving it.

But isn’t the reward so much greater than the risk? I mean, when you really think about it?

I once had a good friend sit me down several years ago and ask me why I hadn’t truly come clean with this guy I really liked. We’d just met so he didn’t have a stake in anything, but he was really curious as to why I didn’t stand up and tell this dude what I wanted from him. You know what my response was? “Well he knew how I felt; how could he not know? And if he knew and didn’t make that move, then he didn’t really want me anyway.”

To which he responded, “Oh, so you were afraid that his answer was going to be no.”

I looked at him crazy at the time, but he was right. And then he blew my mind and asked me that evening what I’m now asking you – what if the answer is yes?

Knowing all the different definitions of love and knowing what our own personal definitions of love are, how can we say we want something so pure and good and then say we’re not willing to risk hearing that no for the chance to get the yes? And if we’re not willing to risk the no/the chance that we will be the fool, then at the very least Emily from A Lot Like Love would say we don’t deserve to have it.

What do you all think? Have there been times when you gave up on something because you were afraid you were looking like a fool? And do you even agree with the premise in the first place?





Frontin-burg — Population: 1

15 11 2013
All smiles everything... Photo: www.smileysymbol.com

All smiles everything…
Photo: http://www.smileysymbol.com

“I was just fronting (you know I want you babe). I’m ready to bet it all, unless you don’t care at all. But you know I want you (you should stop fronting babe).” ~ Pharell, Frontin’

A few weeks ago, MandyPants and I were engaging in our usual chatting/texting during work when I mentioned to her that I guessed I could no longer deny that I was beginning to like said guy “who puts a smile on my face,” and that I was starting to really look forward to seeing him again when we weren’t together. Did she share in this joyful, yet scary revelation of mine or even hit me with a frustrating, but understandable¹ “awww that’s so cute!” when I admitted these feelings to her?

No. Absolutely not.

In fact, her response went a little something like, “Glad you finally joined us in reality. You were living in Frontin-burg.” Damn, homie — for real? Frontin-burg? “Yep,” she said. And then she went even further, saying that she (and probably all my really close friends) already knew what I was now texting, but that she was waiting on me to be ready to admit it. “You weren’t ready to at first, but I could see it all over you at the brunch,” she said.

Sigh.

Well, all that conversation did was make me want to retreat back into Frontin-burg for fear that I was letting the world into my secret without even knowing it. But I ultimately knew MandyPants was right. And she wasn’t the only one pointing out the difference in my demeanor lately. While catching up with another good friend a few days later, I found myself in a similar conversation.

“Hey, you seem, I don’t know, happier than the last time we talked,” she said.

“Really,” I asked.

“Yeah, not that you weren’t happy before, but now you seem almost giddy. But like someone who is trying to contain that excitement.”

Talk about getting a read through the phone… twice in the same week! Well, I went on to tell my girl a little bit about the recent developments with said guy, but that I probably just seemed happier because of the different way I’ve been approaching life this year. And then I made a statement I’m not sure I’d ever made about a man before — that while he doesn’t make me happy, I am realizing that I’m happier when he’s in my life and around to share in the other things that make me happy.

“That’s great, Darbs,” she exclaimed. “But have you told him that?”

Huh? Uh. No, I hadn’t.

“Why not?”

Because I was clearly still living in Frontin-burg, that’s why. Maybe it’s time I rectified that.

1 The “awww that’s so cute” reply is frustrating because no one really wants to get that response back when they’ve just admitted they like someone to a friend. But it’s understandable because I’ve texted and emailed that reply on numerous occasions. CCB/Erika can testify lol





Why #theCuddles in the Morning is the Ultimate Set-up

16 09 2013
morning cuddles

He knows what he REALLY wants to be doing here…

The other day, my friends and I were randomly discussing #thecuddles when one of the guys mentioned that he really enjoyed doing so in the morning.

Immediately, most of the women at the table began scrunching their faces and shaking their heads no. One girl even said something like, “I don’t even really think there’s such a thing as morning cuddles. It’s all an illusion.” To be clear, it wasn’t that we were all of a sudden vehemently opposed to cuddling at a specific time of the day; it was that most of us knew the real deal — it’s the ultimate gateway drug!

Now y’all know about my love/hate relationship with cuddling and you’ve seen how my thoughts on cuddling have evolved over the years, but I was actually surprised to see that I wasn’t alone in believing that the morning cuddles was a complete set-up. Why, you ask? Well, because put quite simply… everyone who’s ever been involved in the morning cuddles knows it’s equivalent to sliding a piece of fried chicken under a man’s nose when he hasn’t had any meat in over a month.

You know how it goes. You wake up in the morning and before you can roll over or get out of bed to brush your teeth, you notice that your boo has wrapped his arms around you, scooched up very close behind you, conveniently cupped your butt near his package, and is kissing you on your neck and whispering “good morning babe” in your ear. For a split second, you may lay there, basking in this cuddle glory, loving the fact that your dude loves him some you. But all it takes is that one “poke” and a well-timed wiggle of the booty, and you know damn well it’ll be on like donkey kong. Or as one girl said, “sweatpants don’t have any power against the penis.”

Anyway, while no one (well, most sane people) has any qualms with a little morning sex, it just seemed a bit disingenuous to us ladies in the conversation for folks to act like they wanted to cuddle when all they really wanted to do was use cuddling as foreplay. Because let’s be real here – if you can lay there, practically naked, entwined around your boo-thang, and not want to do other things, well – you’re a better person than I am.

Now, if you want morning sex, that’s perfectly fine. I will never be the person to say morning nookie is a bad thing. But using cuddling as a way to broach it? Not okay. Just kindly start using your lips for things other than talking, and I’m pretty sure any man or woman who spent the night with you in your bed will follow suit.

What do you all think? Are morning cuddles always a set-up for something more or have you actually had the occasion where you and your boo lay there together and nothing went down?





Are You Bad in Bed? Here’s Some Advice to Change That.

7 06 2013

Does your bed still look like this after sex? Good indication. Photo Credit: www.furniturefashion.com

Does your bed still look like this after sex? Good indication.
Photo Credit: http://www.furniturefashion.com

Even though a recent study verified what I’ve assumed for quite some time – that sex really doesn’t burn off that many calories – I still contend that’s no excuse to go back to acting like you’re a diving board that needs to be jumped on in order to move.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one.

According iVillage, there’s 14 ways to determine if you’re not exactly putting it down in bed. I’d say there’s one perfect way to know¹, but their 14 indicators weren’t all that bad. Some of the gems?

Your pre-sex routine takes longer than the act itself.

Your sex routine has become, well, routine.

You never take the lead.

You act like it’s a favor.

You clam up when things heat up.

Those sound pretty valid to me.

But more important than discussing why what you may be doing is wrong is getting at the root of why some of these things may happen in the first place. And while I’m by no means anyone’s sex expert, my best guess would be issues around self-confidence. And that’s not just regarding looks, but also in ability, in lack of experience, in yourself in general, and yes – also, in your looks.

How do I know? Well, I used to be that girl. When I first started having sex, I was so afraid of everything. I was worried that the guy I was seeing wouldn’t like the way I looked with no clothes on, so it helped that it first happened in a dimly candlelit room. But then, I was worried that if I ever did anything with him during the day or with the lights on, he’d realize what he didn’t see before! Like, I mean, I was pure terrified.

I was also worried that my ahem, skills, might not be up to par. Have you seen some of those positions that folks have suggested you try? Listen, it’s quite daunting to tell someone to do a reverse cowboy that turns into a scissor position that flips into doggy style and finishes with a mounting bridge when they’ve never done anything ever. So instead, I just kinda laid there. That sounds like fun, right? No.

But my worries didn’t stop there. I was also  insecure about showing too much excitement and concerned that maybe he and the other men I would go on to bed were just in it for the sex, even though most of them never did anything to warrant such a concern.

And then one day, I realized something just wasn’t working. Sure, I enjoyed having sex, but I wasn’t really enjoying it like I felt I should. So I started psyching myself out, faking it until I made it, pumping myself up with affirmations until I believed every single one of them. I’d never considered myself an insecure person, but that was with my clothes on – this was a whole nother ball game. I made it a point to get comfortable with my naked body – doing things like looking at myself in the mirror and dancing around my apartment with less and less clothes on, etc… And I wrote out little notes to myself, like “Hey you sexy thang! You look great!” I know it sounds silly. I really do. But it worked!

Next, I worked to determine what I liked and didn’t like. I had the benefit of having some benevolent assistance in the matter lol, but I also took things into my own hands at times and played around with different concepts by myself. As I looked at it (and still do), if I didn’t know what gave me pleasure before I entered that bedroom (or wherever), I put myself and my partner at a pleasure disadvantage. Sure, you can leave room for exploration and experimentation, but just like with your clothes, there should be some knowledge about what your go-to move(s) is as well.

Putting those two together made it much easier for me to be more comfortable with my partner and enjoy the act for what it was, but it took me getting to a confidant place for that to happen. Now, there’s no need for my pre-sex routine to be longer than the act. I don’t need to wind this clock too much to make it go lol. And I’m certainly not clamming up when things get too heated or acting like this is a favor to him and not something for us both to enjoy.

And it’s all because I’m way more confident in me, and I’m much more willing to speak up for what I want. Without those two things, I’d probably still be having boring, bad sex. And really – who’s about that life?

So if you find yourself wondering if you’re bad in bed or you noticed that you did 10 out of the 14 things on their list, maybe it’s time to do work on yourself before hopping back in that bed. I promise those covers won’t look so pristine when your confidence is so high that you’re feeling like Xena the Warrior Princess.

1 The perfect way to know? If you both didn’t enjoy it, then it wasn’t good. Simple as that. Sex should, at all times, be a mutually beneficial act – but that’s for a separate post or podcast lol.