Screw Smizing, Let’s Talk About the Importance of Your Flize

17 03 2015
Photo: Forbes.com

Photo: Forbes.com

Do you know how to flize?

You’re probably thinking, “what the heck is she talking about,” right? And did she just completely make up that word?

Well, first — yes I did lol (I think). But I’m not talking about some crazy scheme or anything… just the age-old practice of flirting with your eyes (which I totally did NOT make up).

It’s not really something that’s talked about very often, but I have come to believe it may be one of the most effective ways for women to flirt with someone (especially if you’re concerned about being approached or wanting people to approach you).

So why is the flize so important?

Well, for one it’s just subtle enough not to come off desperate or skanky, but it also makes it very clear that you want that person in some capacity. And by some capacity, I mean you may have envisioned him/her without clothes on. People talk about the eyes being the windows to the soul, but they’re also just simply the windows to your thoughts. I mean, have you ever seen someone’s eyes when they’re worried or sad — completely different emotion comes through than when they’re happy or excited. Therefore, when you’re flizing, believe me, the context is clear.

For two, it involves you making eye contact with said person. Let’s talk a bit about eye contact here. There was a recent article that came out that talked about the significance of staring into someone’s eyes for four minutes. Now, obviously, you’re not doing that when flizing, but… if you can fall in love in four minutes, surely you can entice some lusting in 15 seconds.

Thirdly, it gives you some leeway away from the whole “just smile” theory that many men promote and many women screw their faces up at. Now, your flize may involve a bit of actually smiling, but one of the truly great things about flizing is that you have the freedom to determine which technique works best for you. If you feel some kind of way about giggling or smiling at a stranger, maybe your flize is one that’s a bit more intense or just lets out a smirk. Or maybe you’re like me and you start off with a flize and subtly let it form into a flirty smile. Or maybe you just come right out the bat with the full on pearly whites along with the flirty eyes. Either way, you’ve got cart blanche to make it your own!

And trust me, once you’ve made it your own, you’ll wonder why you never had it in your repertoire before. Because the thing about a really good flize is that it is completely and utterly irresistible. Or at least I should say it hasn’t let me down yet, and I don’t think it will let you down either.

(Now what you do after you’re approached is a totally different story, but at least you’ll be in the game.)





The Different Styles of Flirting

13 01 2014
Photo: Seventeen.com

Photo: Seventeen.com

I’ve admitted to you all previously that I have sometimes been called a flirt. And what always unsettled me about this characterization was that whenever I actually tried to say something flirty, I massively tanked at it.

Like MASSIVELY tanked at it.

Like, think about some of your most awkward moments ever in trying to flirt with someone. And multiply that times about 6.

You still don’t believe me? Well, here’s a perfect example. One night early last year, I ran into a guy I’d had a flirty past with before at a party. Well, some dranks and liquid courage later, I came up with the bright idea that I was going to say something extra sexual and flirty to him just to see if I could peak his interest again. I’m not quite sure why I wanted to do this, because we never did anything ever but date and flirt previously, but I was feeling extra spicy that night — so there you go. Anyway, I walk up to said dude. He gives me a wink, because he’s one of those guys who thinks he’s cooler than he is. We side hug and then stand there in the hug for a bit and I casually whisper in his ear, “So listen, I think you still owe me like 5 things. And you should probably pay what you owe.”

Of course, now he’s interested, right? But even more of course, I have absolutely not thought this all the way through and have no idea where I’m going with the rest of this statement. “Oh really, and what do I owe you exactly?”

“Well, if memory serves me correctly, I beat you fair and square in at least 3 bets — so you owe me the residuals of those bets.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” he says. “What else?”

“And I believe we also mentioned sometime ago something about a tour of your new house. So you owe me that as well.”

“Okay, that’s four things. All valid. What’s the fifth?” Now, he’s really intrigued, and I think he’s ready to see just how far I’m going to take things especially since I’ve now brought up the possibility of us being alone in his house. Will I say something about touring his bedroom? Or anything even remotely funny, witty, or intriguing? Nope… not this time.

Instead, I counter with this gem.

“Oh the fifth? You still owe me a chance to get to know how your Chapstick feels.”

What? I mean, really…… what??!

Talk about a flop.

For his part, dude actually tried to give me a chance at landing my shot again. “Wait, I don’t think I heard you over all the noise, what did you say?”

Oh, dude — if only. And if only I’d taken his chance and used it for good instead of repeating said craptastic line.

I obviously repeated the craptastic line.

To which he replied with awkward laughter and just said, “haha right. That too.”

Needless to say that didn’t go very well. And I still never got a tour of the house.

So you can see how I would be a little hesitant to take on such a haughty title like flirt when things like that can spew out of my mouth at any time. That is until I realized that while I suck in flirting with words, I am a master at body flirting. Oh yea, I said master. Body flirting is my juuush. I’ve been known to make a Black man blush just by looking at him in a certain way and biting my lower lip. And I don’t mean a really light-skinned Black man. I mean a brown-skinned brotha.

Yep, that’s me.

Now when I realized this, that’s when I also realized I’d been thinking of flirting in all the wrong one dimensional ways before. There’s at least four different styles of flirting I could think of off-hand, and while one of them is not my thing, I think I’m pretty great at the other three. Here they are:

With words: This one is obvious, right? If you’re someone who’s really witty and can come up with one-liners or someone who has the uncanny ability to say two lines and get a man/woman to want you with all their being — this is your thang. Go you!

With your body: Whether it’s with your eyes, the crinkle of your smile, the placement of your hands on their anything, or the ability to use body-space to your sexual advantage, if you can seduce someone without having to say a word… yep, the body flirting is the thing for you.

The friendly flirt: You know how some people say things like, “Everyone always thinks I’m flirting but I’m just friendly!” Yea, no — you’re not. I know this, because I fall into this category too. What you may naively think is being friendly (when you’re younger), you’ll soon realize is flirting when you take a step back and evaluate. Notice how people only think you’re being overly friendly with the guy you happen to think is cute? That’s for a reason boo. Chances are you’re putting a little extra mojo in that friendly bit of yours.

The texting/social media/email flirt: This is that new age ish, but don’t get it twisted — it certainly deserves its own category. As confusing as tone can be when you’re not actually in front of someone, when you can effectively pull off a flirty interaction with someone over either of these mediums with no miscommunication involved, you’re a mack. At least in the new media world — but a mack is a mack, so embrace it.

What about you all? Any styles of flirting you think I missed? And would you consider yourself good at flirting? If so — which category do you fall into?





The Beauty in Imperfection

8 01 2014

So this is what happens when your blog goes on a scheduled hiatus less than a week after Beyonce’ releases her latest album — ideas you were planning to try to talk about, but didn’t quite no where to start, end up having even more relevance.

Such is the concept of finding the beauty in imperfection. I’d been trying for sometime now to write down my thoughts about this concept, and then I heard the Visual Album, and it all synched up together for me. Yes, damn it — I’m comfortable in my skin too, I thought. Yes!!

Now listen, I’m by no means a Beyonce’ stan, but the thing I love about this album more than the rest of her albums is also what I’ve grown to love about myself — it’s not perfect and it’s not trying to be. It’s vulnerable and honest in a way I don’t think Beyonce’ has had the courage to fully be in the past.

And let’s not mince words here — it took courage for her to say some of the things she said on this album. (No – I’m not just talking about the sexual songs.) Just like it takes courage for us all to choose the path of honesty and vulnerability in our lives as well. For us to say, this is who I am — either love that person or move on. For us to embrace our imperfections and still love ourselves because of them.

People have always told me that as I got into my thirties, certain things wouldn’t seem so important anymore. They said I’d feel less pressure to be everything for everyone. That I would start to have less of a need for everything to be written perfectly (a problem that inhibits many a writer from actually completing their works), and more of a desire to just get it written. That I wouldn’t feel the need be the perfect demure little woman who knows how to do an exceptional curtsey and who would never find herself saying or doing anything inappropriate around mixed company.

That I’d be more comfortable just being me.

And surprisingly, they were right. I don’t quite know what it is about turning 30, but somewhere between 29 and now (almost 31), I’ve been learning to love the imperfect things about me. Enjoying the silly thrills of being that girl who twirls her hair when she likes a guy. Loving things like my height (I’m a strong 5’1 — grrrrrrr!). Finding my voice in my writing, even if it doesn’t sound like Hemingway or Ellison.

That doesn’t mean I’m not always seeking to improve on things. No, not at all. But it means just like how I’ve been working on being happy while I reach for my goals, I’ve also been working on embracing the current things about me even while I seek to improve.

And that makes me more confident.

It makes me more willing to be open and honest.

It gives me the freedom to express my feelings, whether sad, happy, anxious, angry, etc…

It releases this archaic stronghold that I can’t be a lady and desire sex.

It helps me embrace wanting to be seen as intelligent, resourceful, cute, sexy, powerful, beautiful, etc… and not just one of those. ALL OF THEM.

It allows me the opportunity to be me without having to project this image of the strong, black woman who is never phased by anything, never confused, never insecure, and never anything but strong and black.

And what I absolutely love is that while I’m embracing these imperfections about myself, I’m seeing more images of women who look like me doing the same. We see it in Scandal, where the main character is a strong and powerful woman but who is also a mess in her personal life. We see it in Being Mary Jane, where she admits to wanting things like a family and a child, and doesn’t subscribe to the belief that her success in her career is enough. And now we’ve also seen it in Beyonce’ — an album that came from someone who many (arguably, rightly) looked at as a machine before, telling the world that she’s not perfect. That she loves freaky sex and gets jealous sometimes. That she had to find herself again after becoming a mother. That she’s embracing her imperfections and it makes her feel that much more beautiful.

Talk about it all synching up, right?

I don’t know about you, but it helps to see it. To know it’s not just me.

What do you all think about the idea of finding the beauty in imperfection, though? And have you felt the pressure to be perfect or the release of some of those pressures as you got older?





The Elements of a Flirtationship

11 09 2013
She knows... do you? Photo: EHarmony.com

She knows… do you?
Photo: EHarmony.com

There are so many names for the different types of relationships men and women find themselves in, whether that be male and female, male and male, or female and female.

You’ve got friendships, significant other relationships, “situations”, courtships, friends with benefits, etc… And then there are just people you really enjoy flirting with even though you both know the chances of anything ever happening beyond the flirting are minimal.

Those relationships should have a name too, right?

Well, I thought so. And it just so happens that this past summer I found myself in a few of those no-named flirtatious situations. Talking with guys, flirting with them, having fun, but also understanding that due to different circumstances, me and the guys would never actually date.

And thus began my naming of the Flirtationship. It started out as a joke, really, but the more I used it to describe those affairs, the more I realized it was the perfect remedy to the problem. So if you think you’ve been involved in some flirtationships, are possibly involved in one now, or could be in the future — this is the post for you.

1: One of the most important things to note about the flirtationship is that it has to be understood between both people. If one person is taking this situation as very laissez faire and the other one thinks he’s found potential wife material, it ain’t gonna work. Well, it could for a bit, but then someone would end up hurt, and that’s never the goal people. Never.

2: The flirtationship is all about what the name suggests: light bantering, quick witty convos, flirty exchanges, and absolutely nothing more. You can make out on occasion, but the minute you two start actually having sex, you’ve ventured into a different category. The only reason the making out is okay is because I’m assuming it’s happening not in the privacy of your home. For reasons.

Point of clarification — I’ve been told I’m a huge flirt, so it could just be that flirting with someone over and over is enough for me, but not for you. If that’s so, then #2 will probably be tough for you to swallow. Sorry!

3: There has to be some kind of chemistry between the two of you. This seems obvious, but if you’re like me and you tend to flirt better with people you’re not really all that interested in, you can see where the problem may occur. But the thing about a flirtationship is that the flirting obviously happens more than once. And the chances of you flirting with someone over and over who you have no connection with are probably very slim. Word of caution here though: you kind of have to strike the perfect balance of there being a connection/some chemistry, but not enough where you want to date. You know the guy who “could get it” but who you wouldn’t want to take home to mom? Yea, it should be that guy lol

4: A flirtationship can lead to other relationships, but it shouldn’t be used as a stepping stone. Look, I’ve found that if you enjoy flirting with someone and you do it often enough, eventually at least one person is going to consider seeing where this can go beyond just flirting. Usually, though, it’s not very far. Unless you’re aiming for friends with benefits status… and then that’s a whole nother conversation.

So what do you think? Have you found yourself in anything like this before? And am I crazy that I thoroughly enjoyed the ones I was a part of this summer? Speak to me – I missed you guys!





Thought You Knew About the Team…

12 07 2013
If my team was looking for a motto, this would definitely be in the running... Photo Credit: JadoreByDesign.wordpress.com

If my team was looking for a motto, this would definitely be in the running…
Photo Credit: JadoreByDesign.wordpress.com

“How you mean, how you mean, thought you knew about the team, eh… That’s why I ask you how you mean, how you mean, thought you knew about the team.” – Drake, Cameras

You ever have those friends that when you tell people you’re going out with them, the looks you get back are synonymous with “oh, that’s gonna be trouble”? I recently realized I have a few of those – and luckily for me, they tend to be some of my besties. (Incidentally, my mom is just like this as well – her best friend forever is definitely the one you know will be right there in the midst of some ish if it goes down.)

Now, don’t get me wrong – this does not include all of my really good friends. In fact, some of my besties are about as non-trouble as you can get… but… the ones that are? Hahahahaha – let’s just say the look I get back when I say I’m going out with them is for a reason.

Crazy enough, I didn’t realize this before. But while out with a friend recently, I mentioned these names and some of the plans we have for the year, and his eyes raised quite suspiciously. “Y’all are trouble when you get together,” he said. I tried to defend us. I really did. But as soon as the words were about to come out of my mouth, I just shut up. Because honestly? We are trouble when together… and I realized I like it that way.

The thing about the trouble team is that they understand there’s a cone of no-judgment when you’re out together. You don’t have to worry about anyone wagging their fingers at you or giving you a lecture (at least not in the midst of things). You can make plans to do some hoe-ish and no one say anything besides “Just be safe!” And you can really get into a kissing session with some random guy¹ and not have to worry about them pulling you off of him (unless you just had major liquor goggles and they could tell he was an ugmeister).

Now, you may get clowned later for having some random dude feel all on your bootay, but it will be all in fun, make for good memories, and be a wonderful reason for everyone to bust out into R. Kelly’s song of the same name at any occasion as the perfect inside joke.

But that’s the beauty of the trouble friends in the first place! The chances for memories and laughter are endless, which means the opportunities for inside jokes are innumerable.

Look, even the best good girl wants to be a little bad sometimes. And when that’s the case – you need those friends that are gonna be down for the cause … and maybe a little Rihanna playlist to get you started.

Do you have a trouble team?

1 Or so I’ve heard…





Wait, So Flirting Burns Calories?! Sign Me Up!

4 02 2013
Photo: happeepill.com

Photo: happeepill.com

The other day, I was talking to a good friend and she said something that changed my life. There we were, discussing the fact that I was cheesing like a Cheshire cat because of this guy I was emailing and she says: “well you know, flirting burns calories, so keep it up girl!”

Whoa! Mind blown.

You mean I could get extra benefits outside of feeling all girly from flirting with a cute guy? I had to learn more. So I asked her, “Really? Does it? I’ve never heard of that before!” “Well,” she said, “I just assume it does since smiling/laughing burns calories and potentially, one would do a lot of that while flirting.”

Hmmm, she had a point there. In fact, this particular guy had had me cheesing for the past five hours. That’s a lot of burned calories, right? But because I’m me – I needed to verify. Like she assumed, most of the information I found spoke to the benefits of laughing and smiling. For example, Dietitian, Juliette Kellow said the following on a weight loss website:

New research published in the International Journal of Obesity has discovered that laughter really is the best medicine for a weight problem…

The researchers discovered that laughing increased both heart rate and calorie expenditure by up to 20 per cent – and the longer participants laughed for the greater the effects.

Using the results, the scientists then went on to calculate that just 15 minutes of laughter a day will burn 10 to 40 calories, depending on a person’s weight and the intensity of the laughter. That’s enough to shift between 1 and 4lb a year.

There were also several articles written about how smiling can burn calories as well. In fact, I couldn’t even begin to count all the articles I found that spoke to the caloric benefits of smiling and laughing… but actually specifying the act of flirting? Not so much.

Still, it stands to reason that if one is flirting, chances are he or she is also smiling and/or laughing, right? I mean, who flirts with a straight face? Weirdos? I was all set to just go with the smiling/laughing defense when I finally came upon an article from The Sun. In it, they write:

FLIRTING releases oxytocin, which makes you feel loved and eases stress. Jean says: “It helps social bonding as well as mating with a partner and caring for your young. No one knows how it reduces stress but it seems it does.” [And since] SMILING releases endorphin hormones and the “happy” chemical serotonin into the body, which is a double boost to ease stress and pain… “flirting could work wonders for a headache or other pains.”

So, according to The Sun, flirting not only burns calories, but also potentially prevents headaches and eases stress?? My kind of thing! That was all I needed to read, and so just to keep myself healthy, I made sure to participate in it a couple more days. Anything to treat your body right, right? Anyway – what do you all think? Should we all go around flirting our tails off throughout the day? Or do you think it’s just a bunch of poppycock?




What to do the Next Time Mother Nature Ruins Your Plans for the Evening…

31 08 2011

Before we get started, I’d like to say that this post is simply in jest and is in no way minimizing the destruction that Hurricane Irene did to the east coast. As a New Orleans native, I can always empathize when mother nature destroys your home/city.

But as someone who had plans for Saturday evening, before Hurricane Irene set her sights on the District of Columbia for that very night, I have to find the funny in the situation… with that said, the whole thing made me start thinking of what alternatives would be available for those wanting to date or hang out with someone on a night when something like a heavy storm is on the way.

What, you think this automatically means you have to cancel? Well, in the case of a hurricane – probably, but what if it’s just a heavy thunderstorm that came out of nowhere. You could still do something then and not seem like the crazy person trying to go party in the midst of a hail storm. Here are some ideas to try and salvage the night.

Make it a night in with your Wii

Now, I don’t have a Wii. But if I did, you could certainly turn that trip to Dave and Buster’s into a Wii night full of fun. Who wouldn’t want to try the Michael Jackson experience with a guy? It might be a good way to find out what dance moves he’s working with, without, you know, doing something potentially awkward like bringing him to the club. Plus, if he doesn’t like MJ, should you really be hanging out with him anyway? I mean, really… some things are just universally accepted as deal breakerish. A guy who can’t appreciate a good Man in the Mirror/Beat it/Smooth Criminal/Thriller performance might just be one of them.

For those who have a Wii, you know that it doesn’t have to just be something involving dance. You could play Wii sports and place a cute little bet on the games (winner gets to decide piece of clothing loser has to umm, lose?? just an idea) to even spice it up a bit, if that’s your cup of tea. Either way, add a Wii to the night and you may just forget that you weren’t able to go out on the town.

Storytime, boys and girls

You like scary stories? I don’t, but many people do. And what other perfect time is there to tell scary stories than when the lights have gone out and all you have is a flashlight or some candles to set the mood. I know what you’re thinking. You can do other things to the candlelight later on, if you choose. Right now, though – we’re finding alternatives to the outing. If you’re like me and don’t like scary stories, this is also a good time to learn more about each other and just tell funny stories from your past. Maybe even act out some of them? You telling me some guy doesn’t want to see me do my best If it Isn’t Love dance impression? Really? Because it’s pretty darn good.

Game Night!

Wait, did someone say they have Twister at their place? Oh snap, bring that joint over! Or what about Jenga? Jenga Truth or Dare? Gestures? Scattergories?? Really, you could make anything work unless it’s cards. Cards with 2 people is a slam dunk failure. Can’t you just picture saying Go Fish over and over and over. Ouch. Talk about bo-ring.

Anyway, what are some other things you guys think would work as alternatives to going out? Or would you brave the weather and just continue on with your plans? They may work as long as the weather’s not too bad, right? Unless you were planning to go go-cart racing. You can’t exactly do that in the rain.