What My Drink of Choice Says About Me

31 03 2015

I’m a whiskey girl, well bourbon to be exact, but we’ll say whiskey to keep it simple here.

So when I saw Elite Daily did a post on the 10 Reasons Why You Should Always Go For the Girl Who Drinks Whiskey, I got super excited. Yes! They’re going to give me all the ammunition I need to show why men should be lining themselves up at my door, I thought.

And they did, I guess… but really the only reason they gave that lived up to my excitement was #1 — she’s a little badass. For reasons, obviously.

More importantly though, the article made me think about how our drink choices really come to be synonymous with our attitudes in life (well, that is, if you drink alcohol) and how mine show just how much I’ve changed over the years.

You see, I wasn’t always a whiskey girl. At various times in my life, I’ve thought of other beverages as my signature drink. For example, in my teens, I was all about rum cocktails and white Russians. That was when I thought I knew what I was doing in life (and with my drinks), when I really had no clue whatsoever. In my college years, I would drink just about anything (except beer, I was never that desperate), and that’s kind of how my life was. I tried what felt like everything in my career (went from newspapers to broadcast to magazines to websites in a 4 yr span), in my boyfriends, and in my hobbies, and still never quite felt comfortable in my skin.

In my early 20s, I was all about the beloved Cognac named Hennessy. This was when I finally started making decisions in my life, and so while I had narrowed down my signature drink to one (and my career to one), it was really more of a reflection of what I wanted to be. I wanted to be the risk taker that that drink implied, but I wasn’t. Hennessy was almost like my alter ego.

In my late 20s, you’d mostly catch me partaking in a glass of wine. By this point, I’d settled into my career and was all about relaxing and unwinding when I got the chance — a beach (any beach!) was my idea of the perfect vacay. And while I was looking to be more refined, it was also the beginning of me not worrying so much about how I was perceived by folks who barely knew my middle name.

And now, well now, I love a good bourbon drink above all.¹ Which, if you believe Elite Daily, means I’m in touch with my emotions, I don’t believe in half-arsing things, and of course, that I’m a badass. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take that! It’s just that I think my drink and my attitude in life are less about what make me a catch and more about what makes me happy. But if the two work together,  I won’t complain.

What about you all? Do you have a signature drink? And if so, what do you think it says about you? Buzzfeed has a funny list here which I completely disagree with for whiskey which you can use if you need to.

1 That’s not to say I won’t drink wine or Hennessy or a rum cocktail every once in a while (because I still do), but my preference will be bourbon if offered the opportunity.

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Reminiscing on when “Bae” was Fun

3 03 2015
Featured on Gawker.com

Featured on Gawker.com

I’m not proud of this, but there was once a time when I was hesitant to donate my old clothes even when I hadn’t worn them in years. Not because I cared about other people wearing my clothes, but because it never failed that once I donated them, no more than a few years would pass before the items would come back in style.

This happened over and over again.

Jean jackets

Skorts

Tennis skirts

High/low dresses and skirts

The list goes on.

Eventually, I got over that concern. But now I see a similar phenomenon happening in words and phrases. The things we used to say in high school coming back in style but in slightly different forms.

“Bae” is the perfect example of this.

When I was younger, “bae” was so much fun. It wasn’t being used by popular clothing stores to sell merchandize. TIME Magazine hadn’t attempted to explain it to the world. You didn’t see it on t-shirts or memes telling people to be calm. It wasn’t a trend; it was just a cute, shorter way than babe to distinguish between your guy or girl and everyone else.

Also, it was a proper noun used to let the person you’re speaking to know that you’re speaking to him or her.

For example, you might say, “Bae, can you get me some water please?” But you would never, ever say “That’s bae over there.” It wouldn’t have made sense.

And in the South and Midwest, where monikers like babe and sweetheart and cher (shout out New Orleans) were used for everyone and their grandma, “bae” was specifically only used for one person at a time. It was clear. “Bae” was your man or your ol’ lady. No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Now though?

“Bae” has been distorted to be some kind of crazy word that could mean boyfriend/girlfriend, but could also mean just someone you think is attractive. It’s a freakin’ acronym now, for goodness sake. BAE = before anyone else. It’s turned into a regular noun. In fact, you’re more likely to hear something like “Tom is bae” than any other version, and the crazy part is Tom doesn’t even have to know the speaker is alive!

I mean, what kind of fuckery?

Okay, I know, I know. I sound like some kind of ol’ fogey probably. And I’m sure I’ll get over it. But it just bothers me to see such a good friend change overnight. “Bae” was gone and dead as a word, but somehow over the past two years, it’s come back with a vengeance. And I don’t necessarily think I like what I see. I want it to go back to what it was before 2013. Can we do that? Is that possible? If not, I guess I’ll just have to reminisce on my own… just nobody better start saying “that’s cher over there,” or I might have a slight meltdown.

Anyway, what do you all think about “bae”? Did you use the term when you were younger? Do you use it now? And are there any other words that you used back in the day that are in style now?





Say Yes to the Kiss

14 08 2014

Clearly y’all know I like to kiss. Well, actually, that’s an understatement. I looove kissing. But have we ever talked about all the different types of kissing between partners or potential partners on here?? I think not!

Well, never fear — the wait is no longer.

One thing to note about kissing is that the level of intimacy or passion within each kiss is completely dependent on the kissers. For example, a single peck can be just as intimate as playing tongue hockey if it’s with the right person, kind of like how holding someone’s hand can send chills down your spine if it’s someone you’re really into. And speaking of the peck, let’s start there.

1. The Single Peck: This can come in many forms — the peck on the cheek, the one in the crease of the cheek and the mouth, straight on the lips, etc… But the key about the single peck is that it typically doesn’t last longer than about 3 seconds. And that’s in cases when someone decides to lay a lingering peck on you, which, uhhhh is super sexy by the way. (Or at least I feel sexy when I do it haha.). But even with the shortest, simplest version of the kiss, there can be such variation of intent. You may find yourself giving a relationship peck to your partner if y’all have been together for a while or it could be a teasing peck between two would-be lovers.

It can mean goodbye or hello, stay or leave. It can be really soft, with the lips barely touching their counterpart (cheek, crease, other lips, etc…) or it can be intense and hard and signify anguish and pain. Either way, I think when most people mention kissing, they tend to overlook the single peck in their minds. However, the simplest version of the kiss shouldn’t be under-estimated. It’s got a lot going on in its favor.

2. The Multiple Peck Kiss: Like its cousin, this kiss is short in nature, but with its succession of kisses included in the definition, it can also last for quite some time. You see this kiss happen when someone plants short, sweet kisses on his/her partner’s face or you get kisses on the back of your neck. This kiss can also be used to go up or down a person’s body, so obviously it’s a pretty intimate one.

3. The Forehead Kiss: Ohhhh the forehead kiss… so controversial you are! I’ve found that this kiss either has one of two meanings when it happens. Either a) I really care about you/love you, etc… and want to protect you, or b) I really care about you/love you, etc… as my friend. There’s really no in between.

4. The French Kiss without Tongue: (not to be mistaken for the French double peck on the cheek kiss) This kiss is one of passion and fire. It can be a part of a make-out session, but even alone, it is able to signify the very clear intent that “at some point, I would like to rip those clothes off of you.” That’s some powerful stuff. Also, usually, when you see people get wowed or swept off their feet by a kiss, it tends to be in this category. That’s no mistake.

5. The French Kiss with Tongue: Oh tongue hockey faithful… this kiss is 9 times out of 10 leading to clothes coming off or being pushed aside. It’s very rarely a stand alone kiss, but also I realized recently, I’ve also very rarely used this kiss post my early twenties. I could be alone in this, but I think I’m probably not.

So what’s your favorite kiss? Did I miss it? I think I have a tie between the single peck and the french kiss without tongue, but really I’m likely to swoon from either one with the right guy.





I’m No Carrie, But Everyone Always Thinks I Am

15 07 2014
Carrie from Sex and The City in a tulle skirt Photo via Sex and The City

Carrie from Sex and the City in a tulle skirt
Photo via Sex and the City

During the height of the popular show, Sex and the City, almost every woman in America attempted to figure out which character she most embodied.

Was she a Charlotte — the sweet, unassuming, homebody who had very proper ideals, but also silently dated a lot of men?

Was she a Samantha — the brash, devil-may-care woman who treated her men like her career — something she had full control over.

Was she a Miranda — the career, no nonsense woman who often found herself lacking in the guy category (compared to her peers) because she spent so much time climbing the career ladder, but who also managed to be the first one out of the bunch to get married and have a kid.

Or was she a Carrie — the naive, hopeless romantic who was always searching for deep, passionate, complicated love and annoying the hell out of everyone in the process.

As you can tell, Carrie was not my favorite. But I also didn’t truly identify with anyone else on the show either; as far as I was concerned, I was a Samantha/Charlotte mixture.

But not according to anyone else (which kind of says everything you need to know about the difference in how we see ourselves and others see us). To them, I was always Carrie. Always.

And I get it. She’s a writer. She writes about relationships. She loves shoes. She works against herself in the dating game. But ugh — she was also so damn whiny too! And never, ever picked the right guy. (I’m still angry for Aiden — ugly ring and all.) And she very rarely worked off of logic — it was always feelings. Feelings 24/7 was how Carrie rolled (something that annoyed me even more than her horrible dating choices).

Well, I was reminded of all of this recently when taking one of those “Which Sex and the City Character Are You” quizzes. Know who I got? Damn Carrie. And that was even after I avoided picking the things I thought were her!

Which is when I realized it was time that maybe I stopped fighting it. I do adore my shoes like they’re my babies. I do write about relationships. I am perpetually drawn to unavailable, complicated men even when so-called “good” guys are staring at me in my face.  I even probably have someone in my life who some friends would compare to Mr. Big. And I do absolutely hate the idea of not leading a life full of passion and excitement.

Plus, I’m allllllllllll about a tulle skirt these days!

So I guess maybe I am more Carrie than I’d like to admit after all. Though, I’d still choose a whiskey/bourbon drink over some stupid Cosmopolitan any day, and I would have never dropped my book gathering in Paris to go hold the Russian’s hand for five minutes in that art gallery. Hmph.

What about you all? Did you ever identify with one of the characters? And did it match up with what your friends said about you — or was it the exact opposite, like me?





The Different Styles of Flirting

13 01 2014
Photo: Seventeen.com

Photo: Seventeen.com

I’ve admitted to you all previously that I have sometimes been called a flirt. And what always unsettled me about this characterization was that whenever I actually tried to say something flirty, I massively tanked at it.

Like MASSIVELY tanked at it.

Like, think about some of your most awkward moments ever in trying to flirt with someone. And multiply that times about 6.

You still don’t believe me? Well, here’s a perfect example. One night early last year, I ran into a guy I’d had a flirty past with before at a party. Well, some dranks and liquid courage later, I came up with the bright idea that I was going to say something extra sexual and flirty to him just to see if I could peak his interest again. I’m not quite sure why I wanted to do this, because we never did anything ever but date and flirt previously, but I was feeling extra spicy that night — so there you go. Anyway, I walk up to said dude. He gives me a wink, because he’s one of those guys who thinks he’s cooler than he is. We side hug and then stand there in the hug for a bit and I casually whisper in his ear, “So listen, I think you still owe me like 5 things. And you should probably pay what you owe.”

Of course, now he’s interested, right? But even more of course, I have absolutely not thought this all the way through and have no idea where I’m going with the rest of this statement. “Oh really, and what do I owe you exactly?”

“Well, if memory serves me correctly, I beat you fair and square in at least 3 bets — so you owe me the residuals of those bets.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” he says. “What else?”

“And I believe we also mentioned sometime ago something about a tour of your new house. So you owe me that as well.”

“Okay, that’s four things. All valid. What’s the fifth?” Now, he’s really intrigued, and I think he’s ready to see just how far I’m going to take things especially since I’ve now brought up the possibility of us being alone in his house. Will I say something about touring his bedroom? Or anything even remotely funny, witty, or intriguing? Nope… not this time.

Instead, I counter with this gem.

“Oh the fifth? You still owe me a chance to get to know how your Chapstick feels.”

What? I mean, really…… what??!

Talk about a flop.

For his part, dude actually tried to give me a chance at landing my shot again. “Wait, I don’t think I heard you over all the noise, what did you say?”

Oh, dude — if only. And if only I’d taken his chance and used it for good instead of repeating said craptastic line.

I obviously repeated the craptastic line.

To which he replied with awkward laughter and just said, “haha right. That too.”

Needless to say that didn’t go very well. And I still never got a tour of the house.

So you can see how I would be a little hesitant to take on such a haughty title like flirt when things like that can spew out of my mouth at any time. That is until I realized that while I suck in flirting with words, I am a master at body flirting. Oh yea, I said master. Body flirting is my juuush. I’ve been known to make a Black man blush just by looking at him in a certain way and biting my lower lip. And I don’t mean a really light-skinned Black man. I mean a brown-skinned brotha.

Yep, that’s me.

Now when I realized this, that’s when I also realized I’d been thinking of flirting in all the wrong one dimensional ways before. There’s at least four different styles of flirting I could think of off-hand, and while one of them is not my thing, I think I’m pretty great at the other three. Here they are:

With words: This one is obvious, right? If you’re someone who’s really witty and can come up with one-liners or someone who has the uncanny ability to say two lines and get a man/woman to want you with all their being — this is your thang. Go you!

With your body: Whether it’s with your eyes, the crinkle of your smile, the placement of your hands on their anything, or the ability to use body-space to your sexual advantage, if you can seduce someone without having to say a word… yep, the body flirting is the thing for you.

The friendly flirt: You know how some people say things like, “Everyone always thinks I’m flirting but I’m just friendly!” Yea, no — you’re not. I know this, because I fall into this category too. What you may naively think is being friendly (when you’re younger), you’ll soon realize is flirting when you take a step back and evaluate. Notice how people only think you’re being overly friendly with the guy you happen to think is cute? That’s for a reason boo. Chances are you’re putting a little extra mojo in that friendly bit of yours.

The texting/social media/email flirt: This is that new age ish, but don’t get it twisted — it certainly deserves its own category. As confusing as tone can be when you’re not actually in front of someone, when you can effectively pull off a flirty interaction with someone over either of these mediums with no miscommunication involved, you’re a mack. At least in the new media world — but a mack is a mack, so embrace it.

What about you all? Any styles of flirting you think I missed? And would you consider yourself good at flirting? If so — which category do you fall into?





Should Dating be Treated Like a Sport?

18 09 2013
Photo: channel1450.com

Photo: channel1450.com

With the weather finally feeling like we’re entering the fall season, there are few more exciting things for sports lovers like me than realizing it’s also the dawn of football season. I start pulling out all my black and gold attire, start making sports bets with guys who will inevitably NOT make good on them win they lose, and my friends know that on any given Sunday, you’re very likely to find me screaming bloody murder at either my TV screen or my laptop while the Saints try to give me a heart attack.

But for others, September means something else — it means the dawn of what many call cuffing season. Now, if you’re not aware of the term, I’m not quite sure where you’ve been the past few years… but it basically refers to a time after the summer months end when most people decide they want to have someone to hold them in the cooler months of the year. Because of this desire, they start whittling down their lists until they either “cuff” someone or become cuffed by someone.

Well, while the concept isn’t new, I started thinking about it from a different perspective the other day when I began to see all the Facebook posts and Tweets coming out about cuffing season. You see, when you really think about it — it sounds a lot like pre-season football.

Follow me here. You start off with a squad of players that is larger than what you know you will end up with. These include the folks you believe are your star/franchise players, but also some guys you hope will turn out to be stand-outs even though they weren’t recruited as such. You see how they play in a few games that really don’t amount to much, and then before the season really begins, you’ve whittled down your squad to the 53 best players you think you have.

Now, obviously, the numbers are off, right? No one is looking to cuff 53 people at a time. But other than that, there’s a lot of similarities to the way that many people are approaching their dating life. Me, sometimes, included. We meet multiple folks at one time, see who continues keeping our entire attention despite there being others around as distractions, and as the months go by, we mentally start to eliminate folks as options — finally deciding on one or two individuals to carry us through those cold, winter months when cuddling on your sofa seems like a perfect option on a Friday night.

But is this right? I mean, should we be approaching dating (something that seemingly is supposed to at some point get you to a relationship) like it’s a sport? Like we’re management trying to get the best squad for our football team?

I honestly don’t know.

I’ve tried to date a few different ways over the years – dating just one person at a time; dating one person but having a few guys on the “practice team;” dating multiple guys at a time – and I can see pros and cons to both. But what do you all think? Should dating be treated like a sport?

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Hey folks, guess what?! Voting started for the Black Weblog Awards this past Monday. Please take a moment to vote for Choices, Voices, and Sole for Best Sex or Relationship Blog. I would truly appreciate your support.

Voting is absolutely, positively FREE and ends September 26th. You can vote here — > http://www.blackweblogawards.com. And don’t forget, after you vote — be sure to tell a friend as well!





The Elements of a Flirtationship

11 09 2013
She knows... do you? Photo: EHarmony.com

She knows… do you?
Photo: EHarmony.com

There are so many names for the different types of relationships men and women find themselves in, whether that be male and female, male and male, or female and female.

You’ve got friendships, significant other relationships, “situations”, courtships, friends with benefits, etc… And then there are just people you really enjoy flirting with even though you both know the chances of anything ever happening beyond the flirting are minimal.

Those relationships should have a name too, right?

Well, I thought so. And it just so happens that this past summer I found myself in a few of those no-named flirtatious situations. Talking with guys, flirting with them, having fun, but also understanding that due to different circumstances, me and the guys would never actually date.

And thus began my naming of the Flirtationship. It started out as a joke, really, but the more I used it to describe those affairs, the more I realized it was the perfect remedy to the problem. So if you think you’ve been involved in some flirtationships, are possibly involved in one now, or could be in the future — this is the post for you.

1: One of the most important things to note about the flirtationship is that it has to be understood between both people. If one person is taking this situation as very laissez faire and the other one thinks he’s found potential wife material, it ain’t gonna work. Well, it could for a bit, but then someone would end up hurt, and that’s never the goal people. Never.

2: The flirtationship is all about what the name suggests: light bantering, quick witty convos, flirty exchanges, and absolutely nothing more. You can make out on occasion, but the minute you two start actually having sex, you’ve ventured into a different category. The only reason the making out is okay is because I’m assuming it’s happening not in the privacy of your home. For reasons.

Point of clarification — I’ve been told I’m a huge flirt, so it could just be that flirting with someone over and over is enough for me, but not for you. If that’s so, then #2 will probably be tough for you to swallow. Sorry!

3: There has to be some kind of chemistry between the two of you. This seems obvious, but if you’re like me and you tend to flirt better with people you’re not really all that interested in, you can see where the problem may occur. But the thing about a flirtationship is that the flirting obviously happens more than once. And the chances of you flirting with someone over and over who you have no connection with are probably very slim. Word of caution here though: you kind of have to strike the perfect balance of there being a connection/some chemistry, but not enough where you want to date. You know the guy who “could get it” but who you wouldn’t want to take home to mom? Yea, it should be that guy lol

4: A flirtationship can lead to other relationships, but it shouldn’t be used as a stepping stone. Look, I’ve found that if you enjoy flirting with someone and you do it often enough, eventually at least one person is going to consider seeing where this can go beyond just flirting. Usually, though, it’s not very far. Unless you’re aiming for friends with benefits status… and then that’s a whole nother conversation.

So what do you think? Have you found yourself in anything like this before? And am I crazy that I thoroughly enjoyed the ones I was a part of this summer? Speak to me – I missed you guys!