Perceived Sexiness vs. What’s Really Sexy

26 03 2015
Courtesy of my closet.

Courtesy of my closet.

You see those shoes up there? They seem innocent enough, right? Don’t let them fool you, though. Not too long ago, they were the cause of one of my most embarrassing moments yet. But to their credit, they also helped reveal a crucial detail about what I find sexy in a man. So I guess I can’t shame them too much.

Let me back up a bit to give you guys some background.

Remember when I talked about how I recently attended some black tie events? Well, for one of those events, I decided I wanted to wear my black tulle a-line ball gown. And even though most would not be able to see the shoes I wore underneath, I also decided that I wanted to wear the shoes shown above with this gown. This plan (wearing the shoes with the gown) was perfect, as far as I was concerned, for several reasons: these shoes are hawt; I knew they’d compliment my pedicure quite nicely; I knew I’d be able to keep them on for a long period of time (if not the whole night); and I’d only worn them a few times previously, so I figured it was time to let them out of the closet and get some shine.

Well… what I hadn’t counted on, of course, was the fact that I would be eating and drinking my way through a city known for eating and drinking for 5 1/2 days before I needed to put the shoes on. What I hadn’t counted on was my feet swelling up to look like I was 6 months pregnant.

And I think you can tell by the photo that those shoes are absolutely not meant for swollen feet.

Yet, there I was, gown on, make-up done, hair done, trying to squeeze my sausage feet into those shoes. It was by far the most embarrassing thing to happen to me in quite some time, but you know what made it worse? A guy that I like, who was looking very sexy in his tuxedo, ended up being the one to help me put the shoes on. That’s right. Instead of me standing in front of him, looking regal, giving him my best flize, watching him as he mouthed “damn you look good” and blushing because I knew I did but it was still nice to see him acknowledge it, I was struggling, twisting on the bed trying to get my damn shoes on when he walked in.

Just picture this: Him literally holding each leg up (right, then left) while I’m desperately trying to push my feet in further, as he is simultaneously working his magic (and using all the strength known to man) to zip the shoes up from my heel to the top of my ankle.

I wanted to die.

I wanted to take those shoes, use the heels to dig a whole in the ground, bury myself in that whole, and never come back up again.

When I say I was embarrassed… y’all… whatever word you can think of beyond embarrassed still wouldn’t be able to describe how I felt. Mortified? Humiliated? Disgraced? Nope, still not enough.

But once I got over the embarrassment (kinda, you really can’t get over that), I started feeling something else. Something unexpected. Something tingly. Something surprisingly great. Because while yes, I was uber embarrassed about my feet, there was this very sexy man in front of me offering to help me, with no judgment, with no jokes (until later lol), showing up when I needed him. He was kind, and he was calm, when I was two seconds from crying and freaking out inside.

And if how he looked in the tuxedo hadn’t already done it for me, that move right there certainly sealed the deal.

It showed me that I can perceive sexiness as fulfilling all of these physical preferences I like (straight white teeth, great smile, broad shoulders, etc…), and a guy can do all the perceived sexy acts I like (hugging me from behind, kissing my neck, etc…), but what’s really and truly sexy is when he just shows up and supports me, without me asking for his help. Even when it just involves the silliest, most embarrassing thing. Especially when it involves the silliest, most embarrassing thing. Because that lets me know I’ll have his support when it’s doesn’t.

What about you all? What’s something that you find sexy in a guy or girl that’s not typically thought of as sexy?


Tuxedos on Fleek!

19 03 2015


Being that I’m a woman from the South, I’ve grown up seeing men and women get dressed up for several occasions. New Orleans, especially, is a place that loves to throw a damn ball/gala for any and every reason. But when you’re a kid, you don’t see those experiences from the same eyes as you do when you get older. For me, it was all about feeling grown, getting to dress up in the prettiest gowns, hanging out with my parents, and having a reason to wear my grandmother’s fur coat.

Over the past couple years, however, I’ve had the opportunity to attend my fair share of black tie events as an adult (with two in the past 2 months, actually), and you know what I realized? More than anything else? More than the fact that I still enjoy the feeling of wearing a beautiful gown? More than the time I get to spend with some of my favorite people while they show out in their best outfits? I realized that I just looooove to see a man in a tuxedo! And no shade to anyone else, but I really love seeing a Black man in a tuxedo. (There’s just something about seeing all that fineness combined with brown skin. #sorrynotsorry)

This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me.

I’ve always thought a man in a suit was attractive. In fact, my friends used to jokingly say that I never dated anyone who didn’t know how to dress well in a suit. They were wrong, obviously, but admittedly, I was always more of a fan of a man who could pull off basketball shorts one day and rock the hell out of a suit on the next.

If I had any doubts of my leanings towards a good suit, though, seeing all those men looking fresh in their tuxedos certainly tempered that. They were doing just a little something extra for your girl at the last few events.

You know how men get when they see a big ol’ fat booty? How they just can’t help the stare that comes with it? They might even start internally singing “My anaconda don’t…” But as hard as they try, sometimes with all their might, that stare is just something they can’t control.

That’s me when a fine brotha walks past with his tuxedo nicely tailored, bow tie sitting right, pants legs hitting the exact right point of the ankle, shoes buffed, and shirt crisp underneath. Whew! I just can’t help it. My legs get weak. I start subconsciously biting my lower lip. My heart begins beating faster, and when I’m not careful, it very well leads to me messing up my red lipstick by the end of the night.

I mean, it is a serious problem!

One that I’m not really inclined to fix, but one that I am now willing to readily admit that I have.

So who’s with me? Does a man in a tuxedo do it for you? And if not, what’s something that’s really kind of normal that lights your loins on fire? Let’s share!

Holiday Gift Ideas for New Relationships

16 12 2014


The other week, one of my favorite readers left the following comment: “You should talk about holiday gift ideas for men. That’s usually hard to do when it’s the first year you’re together and on a budget!”

Well, A) she’s absolutely right! It’s super hard to figure out what to get your new boo for the holidays. But also B) I was sadly mistaken that I’d already done a post about this. Nope. The horror!! And you all know how much I love a holiday blog post, so that’s kind of crazy. Alas, I’ve already talked about whether you should get a gift and things to do with your relatively new boo during the holidays and what I’d want (lol), but never suggestions on gifts for someone else.

Me: What’s a really nice watch you would suggest someone get a man for less than $600?

Friend: Oooh, let’s see: Movado (bold line), Boss, Burberry… wait, who are you buying a $600 watch for?

Me: Ummm have we met?! Not anyone anytime soon lol. This is a question from my sister.

Friend: Oh okay, just checking.

Me: Yea, she’s been in a relationship for 3 years now. So she’s bout that life. I…. have not and am not.

Friend: lol good… but back to these watches…

You see how quickly that conversation went left for a bit? It’s because my friend knows that there’s level to this ish. Y’all, please don’t think you should be out buying a $600 watch for someone you’ve been dating for 3 months. That’s not how this works. (That’s not how any of this works.)

However, if you want to get that special someone a gift and/or you checked out the diagram I featured before on the site, and it says you should, then here are some suggestions I have for you (and just your luck, I’ve had my fair share of new relationships around the holidays):

Keep it small and cute, but show you’ve been listening

One of my first adult relationships during the holidays involved a fella who loved cookies. So what did I do? I baked some for real, from scratch homemade cookies using two ingredients I knew he liked (because he talked about them a lot): chocolate and pecans. They were a hit! They weren’t that expensive to make, but once I wrapped them up nicely, tied the plastic with a pretty a bow, and placed it in a cute cookie tin, he was absolutely gaga for them. In fact, he talked about them for years afterward. Total cost? Less than $15. Look on his face: priceless. Your idea doesn’t have to be homemade cookies, but it can be something that doesn’t cost a lot, but that he talks about often. Maybe he likes a particular cologne or a Wii game or has a favorite football team — listen out for clues and then go for that!

Go for something DIY that he would like, not you…

Okay, this is for my DIY girls like me — Pinterest can be your best friend during this time. But don’t get too fancy with it and forget who the gift is really for here. My best DIY suggestion? A coupon booklet of cheap/free activities he can ask you to do later on. A) it shows you want there to be a later on, B) it shows your creativity, and C) the items should all be things he’d want to actually do, so he’ll be excited. Possible examples include a home cooked meal, a massage, a free zirbert (yes, I put that on there lol), you rooting for his favorite team at least once (especially if you don’t normally like them), etc…

Try an activity you can both attend

Do you both like go-cart racing? Or a specific band or artist? Maybe you’ve both mentioned seeing a particular Broadway play? Why not get two tickets to whatever that activity is so that it’s a gift for him, but it’s still something you can do together. This gift is also versatile, so it can be tickets to something worth $10 each or up to like $100, depending on just how “new” the relationship is.

And if all else fails, and you’ve already introduced sex into your relationship…

Tape a big bow on you, and enjoy a different kind of present with each other.

That one is pretty self-explanatory lol.

Any other suggestions?? I hope these helped for all my newbies out there! Happy holiday shopping!

Accidentally C-blocking Our Friends

13 11 2014


The other night I ended up at a bar with a bunch of girlfriends, talking girl talk, laughing, drinking whiskey, and giggling about boys.

Well as we looked around the bar, we realized there were several said boys in attendance as well. But, I noted, we were in far too large of a group of women for any of those guys to approach someone in the group.

“Yea you know the only guy who would do that is the kind of guy you wouldn’t want anyway,” one of the girls said.

“Right, because I mean, who wants to walk up to a group of like 6 girls and try to talk to just one of them? The odds are not in your favor.”


But really, why is that?

Wouldn’t you think if you have a table of single women who like dating and someone wants to ask one of those women on a date, everyone else would be down for the cause? Wouldn’t you think the other women would revert into wing women essentially? I would think so.

And yet, that’s not what happens in real life. We know this because there’s a reason men don’t tend to walk up to groups of women by themselves. Because far too often, they are instantly grilled, pulled a part, sized up, and judged before they even get out something beyond “hi.”

Thing is, we all know this. We all are completely aware of this phenomenon… and still the six of us sat at the bar/table giggling, not having anyone walk up to us, laughed about why, and didn’t do anything to change it.

It wasn’t until one of the girls walked away to go to the actual bar that she found herself being approached by a guy. And you know what he told her right? “I was hoping you would go do something on your own so I could talk to you.” Mmmmhmmmm. Theory confirmed.

So why do you think this happens? Why do we accidentally c-block our friends when we’re out? I’m not saying you should change the amount of people you meet up with, because that would just be crazy… but somewhere along the line, we’ve made it uncomfortable for men to do what we claim we want them to do just by hanging with our girlfriends. And if everyone is supposedly on the prowl, then aren’t we hustling backwards here?

What do you all think?

The Random Pop-Up and its Implications

4 09 2014
Yep, it's absolutely like the joker popping out of a box... Photo:

Yep, it’s absolutely like the joker popping out of a box… Photo:

Girls. My girls. Has the following situation (or something similar) ever happened to you? It’s a random workday evening. You’re just coming home from the gym (and if you’re anything like me, that means it’s anywhere between 8:30 and 9:30pm). You check your phone — because that’s what most people do when they’ve been away from their mobile device for a bit — and then you see this ish:


Sigh. Now, “hey” by itself is not a bad thing to see on your phone. I get some heys that absolutely make my day sometimes. But this one? This one is from an ex who you haven’t heard from in quite some time.

No explanation of the reappearance. No further thought. Just hey.

I’m asking (obviously) because this happened to me recently. And since this particular ex went ghost as a way to end things, I was Ray Charles to the bull sh*t, and told him as such.

I also decided to pose a similar question to the fellas on my Facebook page recently, just to get a sense of the mindset of a man who does the random pop-up.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

The status gained over 60 comments from both men and women, but the responses from the guys? Oh, the responses from the guys were classic and varied and mostly landed within one of these two categories:

A) Don’t be so quick to dismiss dude. He could be legit and you never know what could happen between you two.

B) Dude is a lame. And he just wants to see if he can hit it (either again or for the first time). He’s bored. His team has dwindled down.

Now, listen. As I mentioned to one of the guys firmly on team A, I am not at all opposed to a genuine reconnection with someone from your past (and those who really know me, know that’s true lol). In fact, I admitted that most people would probably not be offended by someone from their past reaching out and saying something like, “Hey, I know it’s been a while, but I heard something the other day that reminded me of you. Just wanted to see how you were.” But sending just “hey” implies to the other person (ie me) that you’re more like option B than the first. It implies that you’re putting a feeler out there, but you’re not committed to it.

And that (and the assumption that comes with it that any woman will still be available and/or want to still talk to you) is what I was and am offended by.

It’s funny, because I ended up having an off shoot conversation about all of this with a co-worker of mine a few days later, and of course, his first response was, “Well any guy who does is, it’s because he knows he can get back in there at any time.”

“Knows,” I asked incredulously.

“Yea, I mean c’mon, we all know that every woman has that guy who can pop back up in her life anytime and she has to think twice about ignoring him.”

“Yea,” I said, “But the problem is that every guy thinks he’s that guy, and most women only have one (if that). It’s like how no guy thinks he’s had a woman fake an orgasm on him, but most women admit to having done it at least once. The math doesn’t add up!”

And even if the math added up, it would still be some bull that you think, as a man, you can pop back up in someone’s life without any hesitation or explanation. That women are just sitting around waiting to be “re-chosen.” Please.

All of this brings me back to my original question, ladies. Has this happened to you? And if so, how did you handle it? I chose the “you can miss with the bull” route right after he tried to tell me how much he missed me and our conversation. What was your path?

Also, have you ever pulled the random pop-up on anyone? Were you successful in reigniting a relationship with him or her?

On the Midnight Train (from DC): A Shoe Story

2 09 2014

Coming down the escalator, I looked at the monitor in the train station to see just how long I’d have to wait for the next train.

Sigh. Twenty minutes. I must have just missed the last train, I thought.

I stepped off the escalator with purpose and care, making sure not to let my cobalt blue Jessica Simpson pointed toe pumps hit the ground too hard, but also letting anyone watching know that I was no punk (even with my stilettos on).

It was midnight in DC after all, and I was by myself heading home from a longer than needed to be Happy Hour situation. All of this meant that I was extra aware of not trying to look drunk and/or like a fragile, demure little girl who couldn’t handle herself. But I also didn’t want to ruin my shoes just so no one would bother me.

I quickly scanned the platform and found an empty bench, plopping my body on the concrete slab since I had so much time to kill. I glanced up at the monitor again. Great — nineteen minutes left. I couldn’t believe only a minute had passed by, but that just meant that I needed to find something to occupy my time and hopefully make it go a little quicker.

Figuring the best way to do that was by writing, I pulled a pen out of my purse, along with my trusty journal and began scribbling down thoughts of mine for later blog posts. I was in a zone. I was writing furiously. I was minding my own business… that is until I suddenly realized I had company.

“Hey, what are you writing over there,” he asked, as he sat down, just a little too close to me.

He’d walked up right as I’d finished about a 1/2 page worth of material, but since I wasn’t really in the mood for chit chatting, I’d tried to ignore him. Clearly, he hadn’t received the hint.

“Uhhh, nothing really. Just some thoughts,” I said, slightly picking my head up, but quickly returning my attention back to my pen and paper.

“Oh ok. Must be some really interesting thoughts. Can I read?”

“I’m sorry, what?” I looked up again, brow furrowed so he would know that I was in no mood to entertain his fancy.

“I was just hoping maybe I could read some of your thoughts,” he replied, backing off slightly.

“I don’t think so.”

I was determined to get this dude to leave me alone, and so finally, I locked eyes with him.

He smiled.

“Listen,” I said, softening up my stance a bit. “I’m not trying to be rude. But I’m just not in the mood, so whatever you were thinking might happen here. It’s not going to. Okay?”

“Okay, cool. I get you,” he said. “And I appreciate you being straight forward. I’m not trying to bother you, promise. I just… well… I saw you coming down that escalator with your serious face on and your blue shoes sparkling on the ground, and I just was caught off guard. And then I saw you sit down and start writing and I was like, man, I need to get to know her.” I could tell he was speaking from a sincere place as he slightly ran his hands over his jeans a few times trying to combat his nerves while talking to me.

“So you just admitted to watching me for the past few minutes, you know that right?”

“Yea I did,” he chuckled nervously. “I guess that didn’t really help my case.”

“No,” I laughed. “It didn’t. Look, you seem like a nice guy and you’re attractive, but I’m just not trying to go there with anyone right now.”

“I understand,” he said, sitting back onto the bench, away from me. “I get it.”

The next few minutes passed by as I continued to write in my journal, still aware that he was sitting next to me and probably still watching me. His obvious stares made me nervous but also a little excited, and that caused me to begin tapping my heeled feet on the ground over and over.

“Am I making you nervous,” he finally asked me.

I turned to face him. “Yea, a little bit.”

“Oh ok, well I don’t want to make you nervous. But I was just thinking about what you said earlier — how you’re not trying to go there with anyone right now?”


“Well what if we just became friends? I don’t know, there’s something about you that just tells me I need to get to know you — in whatever way you’re comfortable with.”

“Ummmm…” I looked at the monitor again. I was tempted by his request, but thankfully the train was now only a minute away. Saved by the incoming train, I thought.

“I don’t know. I mean, it doesn’t really sound like you’re looking for a friend,” I finally said.

“I’m not. But I’d be willing to be your friend. If that’s what you wanted.”

I looked around again and noticed the lights flickering on the platform, signalling that the train was imminent.

“Hmmmm… I don’t know. I just don’t know,” I said, hesitating, but also beginning to pack my things back into my purse to be ready for when they train came. This guy had no way of knowing, but I’d just recently ended things with someone and just wasn’t in the right place to try and date again. But he was cute… I was torn!

“Come on,” he said — smiling brighter than I’d seen him smile the whole time. “You don’t have to think too hard. How about I just give you my name and number and you can decide later if it’s something you want to use.”

“Okay,” I said. “I could do that.”

He quickly scribbled his name and number down on a piece of scratch paper he found in his wallet and handed it to me as the doors to the train opened.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll think about using it.”

“That’s all I ask for,” he said, smiling like a guy who knew he’d just given himself a chance.

“Wait — what’s your name,” he called out right before the doors closed. “I don’t want to just know of you as the pretty girl with the blue shoes.”

“Darby,” I said, giving him a slight smile.

“Okay, Darby. I look forward to hearing from you.”

Let’s Be Clear — On Robin Thicke’s Attempts to “Get Her Back”

1 07 2014

I get it. I do. He wants his girl back.

But yooooooooo — I don’t think this is working like he’s hoping for it to.

Now, maybe it is. We don’t know the intricacies of their relationship. So maybe I’m wrong, and Paula is putty in his hands now — but something tells me that’s not the case.

And while I’m all for being open and honest with your partner, all of his recent antics just remind me of another “famous” instance where a guy tried to make a grand showing to his girl, when he would have had a better chance doing something private and genuine and sincere. Do you all remember the disaster that was rapper, Joe Buddens, proposing to his ex in Times Square and having her say no in front of their families, friends, and the camera crew? Yea… not a good look.

You know why? Because she didn’t want a grand gesture. She wanted to see him consistently put in effort to be there for her and to be considerate of her. The grand gesture (in that instance and in this Paula Patton instance) just comes off looking like desperation and manipulation, but not at all sincere.

I mean, let’s think about this for a second. If it’s true that part of why she wanted a separation was because she felt he was embarrassing her, does it really make sense to then use what may be real text messages between them about the failure of their marriage on his music video? How is that not even more embarrassing? She probably feels like she can’t even leave the house right now without being asked questions about Robin getting her back! That doesn’t seem to be taking away the embarrassing factor at all.

And if those text messages are real, it says something that her response to “I wrote a whole album for you,” was “I don’t care.”

Ouch. On a hundred thousand trillion.

That text message alone would make me rethink my strategy. And yet, there was Robin Thicke on the BET Awards this Sunday replaying the same shtick he’s been doing since last year. The same shtick that by most accounts hasn’t actually gotten her back.

What I find most interesting though is the response from the public. For the most part, it seems like there’s a bit of a divide on if this is working. Some are with me and think that his approach is completely off base. But I’ve seen some women pitying him and some guys truly confused about what more Paula could possibly want. I’ve heard them say things like, “he’s publicly embarrassing himself for her! Isn’t that enough to show how much he loves her!” And to that, all I can say is that if it were me — I wouldn’t believe a word he was saying because it comes off as him trying to persuade the public, instead of getting into the dirty details with his partner. And anytime a woman doesn’t feel you’re being genuine, you have a long way to go to winning her heart or winning it back.

What do you all think? How would you feel if your beau was trying to get you back in this kind of manner? Would you find it sweet and enduring or manipulating and not effective?