Jeepers Creepers (aka MUST have white teeth!)

4 09 2008

Okay guys, here’s the thing… I have this cuh-razy fascination with straight white teeth! Like. No. Joke. It’s something about it them. I know what you’re thinking, who doesnt like straight white teeth, right? But see, thats the thing… it’s not an overlooked preference for me… it’s a necessity. And the more I’ve come to think about things I want in men, the more I know that straight white teeth is almost becoming a deal breaker.

Case in point: I met this guy last week. Cute. Nice. Swag was a little less than a trillion, but for a random possible date, he was definitely a strong possibility. So, I did what any single gal would do in my position when he asked for my number. I gave it to him.

And then he smiled. Ohhhhh he smiled. Let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight. I dont think that it was the most hideous thing by far, but I literally cannnot tell you ANYTHING that he said that day because my brain could no longer focus on anything but his teeth. How not straight they were. How the bottom front row kind of jumbled together. How they were (GASP) horror of all horros, not quiiiiiiiiite white???? I actually wondered if I could ask for my number back without getting clocked upside the head (I mean, this is DC yall).

Anyway, as a few days went by, I debated on whether or not something like this should be a deal breaker  for me. I mean, maybe he could be going to the dentist the very next day or something, right? And who knows, maybe in some sick weird karmic world, I was destined to be with a man who would slice me open while eating watermelon (OUCH!)… but then, I remembered awww heck naw! I can demand straight white teeth… I have them myself, so I think at the least, the man should as well!

Plus, c’mon ladies… how many more things can make you melt other than a great smile from a guy with beautiful straight white teeth??? A Black man with that… (of course just my preference, not necessarily yours) is like the sprinkles on top of the icing on the cake. I’m getting all giddy just thinking about it! Dont judge me. I told yall I had it bad.

But I always have. CCB’s thing is swag + athletes, and while I do enjoy a swaggerific man who can command the room when he walks in, for me… part of that command is those 2 lips gathered up in the most precious smile, lighting up the room with his STRAIGHT WHITE TEETH (SWT). lol. I could go down the list of guys I’ve been with (the serious list… anything else might take too long and yall would get bored lol. no. really.)

“Jon Jon”: gorgeous smile. He could make me un-angry (yeah I made it up) with him just by smiling. I was sprung off of that smile from the moment we met…. SWT for him = check

“BJ”:  this was one of his greatest qualities… say what you want about the man, he had a killer smile. SWT for him = check

“Jake”: he’s ALWAYS smiling… well, when not in a serious business mode… and his smile is so captivating! Makes me want to just lick his teeth! lol SWT= check

Montana: gorgeous dark skin guy with bright SWT = check

Down and down the list, you’d see that NEVER have I EVER dated anyone without it. And for some reason, I hadnt caught that until this guy. So I say all that to say, I urge you to take a second to think about some inadvertent deal breakers that you may have (and then post them in the comment section here of course! 🙂 )… you’d be surprised at how easily they start to pile up. Once you’ve done that… stick to them PLEASE!

Or you might end up like me, being called 8 TIMES in one night by the jeepers creepers with crooked yellow teeth out to get YOU! AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

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15 responses

4 09 2008
countryclubbarbie

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother hates you at this very moment because I am dying from laughing so hard so early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sliced open while eating watermelon = I hate you!
BJ = I hate you!
2 lips gathered in the most precious smile = I hate you!
Never have I ever = I hate you!
Title: Jeeper Creepers = I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 09 2008
countryclubbarbie

Oh yeah, my deal breaker is definitely smelling bad. I had this conversation with Denny the other night. Not just B.O. but anything stinky – i.e. cheap cologne. B/c if you’re cologne smells bad, that means you’re not really into taking care of yourself. So fellas, step your game up, throw away that bottle of Stetson and go get some CK Obsession and a bottle of degree deodorant!

4 09 2008
dbaham

HA HA HA AH… always glad to keep you entertained!!!

And I would definitely have to concur on the smelly cologne… bathing in a scent is just NEVER a good thing. We discussed the essential points this weekend. lol… Behind the ears, wrists, a squirt “here” and a squirt “there” LOL… for guys, I’m thinking neck, and the last 2! maybe????

4 09 2008
countryclubbarbie

Yeah, it would be questionable if a guy squirted his wrists or behind his ears.

4 09 2008
Veronica

Okay, wait, hold on… slice me open while eating watermelon? Really? REALLY?! You’re out of order. Lmao!

So, deal-breakers, huh? Hmmm… Now that I’m sitting here REALLY thinking about it, I realized that I’ll write a dude off based on how he’s dressed. Not that he has to be in Brooks Brothers or anything, but he has to look like he has a job and some responsibilities in life. Meaning a white tee and baggy jeans just won’t do… unless maybe he’s carrying some kind of bag indicating he, in fact, is actually on his way somewhere.

Also — and I hate to say it — but if he isn’t quite articulate… bets are off. And now I’m kinda queasy writing that (god forbid, I’m ‘elitist’), but my life revolves around words — written and otherwise. So if I can’t quite grasp what’s coming out of your mouth… or you can’t comprehend what’s coming out of mine… it’s not going to work. Sorry. :-/

4 09 2008
dbaham

HA HA HA HA…. I dont even have words to respond to you telling me I’m out of order… cuz I was. But it’s a TRUE concern!!!!! LOL

I kinda sorta feel you on the dressed up thing… BUT sometimes, a FOINE guy in a tank top and some basketball shorts! WHOOO!

and dont you feel bad about your word requirement… like you said, words are your life, can you really be expected to like dudes like Creepa on Gs to Gents???

3 07 2012
Jack Handy

Well, this is not where I intended to land, but after wasting some of my life reading this drivel, I might as well spend a little more…

Watch some more Hollywood princesses – or should I say barbies! Not a single remark on personality.

Yes, hygiene is important, and I’m not insisting you settle for yellow, crooked teeth, but this article and comments imply much more than a set of teeth. I’ve found women have become as bad as the dbag shallow men you’ve always complained about. I know, men started it, but I didn’t personally, and I don’t tollerate this attitude.

I dress nice, wear a high-end cologne (and not too much) and have decent teeth. Not for you – that’s my style. I continue the trend when in a long relationship. I’m even edumacated and have all my hair in my mid 30s. Oh, I’m 6′ tall which seems to be vital – thank dad for that!

Alas, it doesn’t seem to be enough. Still single and end up dating women like you, so in many cases, it’s my choice to remain that way. This princess syndrome is out of control. Perhaps my job, house and car are all part of your never-ending list of deal breakers too? My personality’s fine, as I’m always told I’m a great friend, just not good looking enough to be a reality TV star which little girls like you melt over .

I don’t demand perfect or fake (yuck) breasts and all that other crap. Is your hair your true color? How’s that wonderbra working for you? Wearing any spanx? Too short? Get out the 6″ heels. I’m surprised men even recognize you ladies the first time they see you in the morning.

Perhaps I should be more of a dbag, get all tatted up and strut around all swaggarific. Maybe I’ll go the other way and become more metrosexual. That’s what the ladies seem to like when I look around. It sounds like us men either have to be rough bad boys or be freakin’ prettier than you!

If you think I’m going to work 60 hours a week outside the bathroom so you can stay home and embalm yourselves to keep your looks up whilst cheating on the next flawless man that comes around, keep dreaming!

Speaking of which, are all of you still single? 90% of the population holding out for the best 1%. No wonder mariage rates are down and divorce rates up…he had great clothes and teeth when I married him…how was I supposed to know he was a lying dbag? It not like I was paying attention to his personality, I was watching his manly, grunting insecure swagger! His corvette is nice, I should have known he had a small penis. That 150K CEO job…who’d have thought he’d be a corrupt, secretary-banging slime ball all those late nights at work!

FYI, those pictures you posted – Hollywood models. Probably dumber than a brick. Airbrushed too. Not real! The sooner you stop living in a fantasy, the sooner you might find a guy who actually makes YOU smile, and God help you if YOUR teeth ain’t perfect.

One quote I’ll twist around and agree on. NEVER would I EVER even think about dating a princess like you, regardless of what you look like. And please, I don’t even want to imagine how long your ‘list’ is.

Keep trying though…if you’re all faked up or part of the top 1%, you’ll find someone just as shallow as you someday! Problem is, you’ll be a single mother in your 40s and the men in those pictures won’t give you the time of day!

On a side note, since someone actually mentioned words as important…drop the text and gangsta speak already. It sounds like you’re in high school. THAT is a deal breaker for me!

These are my thoughts, not yours,
JH

5 07 2012
erika

I stopped reading that comment (aka drivel) after “tollerate.”

This princess can spell.

5 07 2012
dbaham

I’m not sure where to begin in responding to your essay, JH. Oh right, I’ll begin with common sense.

First of all, anyone with a 3rd grade reading level could tell that the post was written in jest. But even if you couldn’t understand that, and even if it wasn’t, it’s MY opinion on MY blog. If you want to write a diatribe on shallow sensibilities, please do so on your blog.

Second – You make a lot of assumptions in your blog post response. You assume that no men want “these princesses” you chose to be a big bad man towards and attempt to attack over the internet, but you couldn’t be wronger if you tried. You also assumed that the things we said we wanted in a man, we don’t already bring to the table. Well, again you’re very very wrong.

Third – Why are you so angry?? Do you need a hug? I feel like you do. It won’t be from me, but maybe those friends who tell you that your “personality is fine” can provide you with some much needed comfort.

Either way, maybe you should check yourself before you get online and try to check people you know nothing about. This blog isn’t for all that. It’s to promote legitimate discussion amongst various groups of people and every once in a while, to do so with laughter. You’re not welcome here if you don’t get that.

But thanks for commenting 🙂

5 07 2012
Veronica

Which one of you didnt return Jack’s text messages?

Not I. David would have a fit if someone eIse were texting me… actually, if it was Jack, David would probably fall out laughing.

5 04 2013
A New Kind of Deal Breaker? | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] never acknowledged it. And I don’t mean deal breaker in the “I’d like him to have straight white teeth, but as long as they’re not jaws-looking I’m ok” sense of the phrase “deal […]

16 04 2013
nike free 7.0

Excellent post but I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this topic?
I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Appreciate it!

17 06 2013
A High-pitched Voice, Twirling of My Hair, and Other Ways to Tell I Really Like Someone | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] in my pitch isn’t my only tell. Usually if I really like someone, I also start thinking about licking his teeth and will have to stop myself from staring at his lips. Or I’ll find myself dancing around to […]

5 07 2013
Are Basketball Shorts = Sundresses in the Summer? | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] never been much sexier to me than a well-dressed man. Well, straight white teeth – but y’all know that’s like my irrational fascination that I’ll probably never get over. […]

26 03 2015
Perceived Sexiness vs. What’s Really Sexy | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] showed me that I can perceive sexiness as fulfilling all of these physical preferences I like (straight white teeth, great smile, broad shoulders, etc…), and a guy can do all the perceived sexy acts I like […]

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