What Happens When He’s Your All

Photo: Stevie J and Joseline interview with the Breakfast Club

While watching the LHHATL reunion part 1 last week, I found myself in deep, heaving tears over the Joseline Hernandez situation with Stevie J. Normally, I just find their antics crazy and funny and ridiculous, but this time, I could no longer laugh.

There she sat, the self-proclaimed Puerto Rican Princess, and told anyone who was listening that Stevie J was her all. He was everything to her and without him, she was nothing.

And I wept for her – this woman who I’ve never met in my life. But I also wept for all the women not on reality TV who feel the exact same way about the men in their lives.

I talked about the difference between being strong and weak in your relationship a few years ago, but what I didn’t touch on at the time was how dangerous it is to make someone your all. I know it sounds romantic. I know Hollywood and the music industry have made us collectively want that type of romance with movies like Jerry Maguire and songs like Lost Without You by Robin Thicke, but the problem with someone being your all is that your happiness, strength, self-worth, everything is dependent on that person.

And whether you know it or not, that means they control everything about you because you will accept whatever and do whatever it takes to keep him or her in your life. Did you hear what she said about Stevie on that stage? Just a few of the numerous sad statements included…

Stevie doesn’t know how to treat a woman because he didn’t have a mother, and when you don’t have a mother… even with me, I have a mother, but she didn’t really teach me anything. So it’s like anything that I do in life, I have to learn on my own. And then that hurts me too because I never had nobody to teach me anything and he knows that… He does (manipulate). But I also understand that I can’t dwell on everything that he does. I gotta move on… but I do love Stevie, I do.

Or how about…

I’m trying to change him and make him become a better man, because I love him and he’s a great guy.

And finally…

I forgive Stevie. Like he say, I’m like a piece of cake for him, because there’s not one day I don’t sleep with this man. There’s not one day I don’t see this man…

Yo, even Mimi felt bad for her after hearing all that because she knew what it meant: Joseline’s everything was dependent on Stevie. She was lost without him. She was no one without him. And listen, there’s absolutely nothing romantic about that.

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I Knew You Were Trouble…

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now… Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.” – Trouble, Taylor Swift

Say what you want about Taylor, she knew what the hell she was talking about when she wrote this song.

Trouble.

For some folks this is synonymous with bad, but I’ve never been attracted to the typical definition of a bad boy. No, no I like clean cut guys who can rock a suit just as comfortably as some basketball shorts. And I’m not into the Stringer Bell kinda dude either. I’m corny, so I tend to like guys who don’t take themselves too seriously… and you know, who aren’t into committing crimes.

None of that sounds too bad, right?

Except that I have this horrible affinity for playboys. Charmers. Smooth operators. Whatever word you want to call them, if there’s a guy around who knows how to talk a good game (and I’m attracted to him), chances are there’s trouble in my future.

I know this. It’s not a mystery to me at all. And so, along my dating journey, I’ve tried to combat this desire of mine by occasionally dating the guy who’s not at all trouble — the one who can’t charm the pants off of me with one word, the guy who’s just perfectly fine and good… and you know what happens? Disaster.

One time I even went on a date with a guy and was so utterly disappointed in the guy and the date that I immediately went home and aim-ed my ex-whatever he was (clearly this was sometime ago by the AIM reference), because I knew at least he could put a smile on my face after that horrendous evening. Well, I was right. He did put a smile on my face. And then we proceeded to getting back to doing whatever it was we were doing previously for several more months… even though I initially ended things because I sensed how much trouble he was! The man’s nickname between my friends was “crack” after all. If that doesn’t sound like trouble, I don’t know what does.

But he’s certainly not my only trouble guy experience. Over the years, there have been plenty, including but not limited to Benny, Mr. Carter, JD, Comedy Central, Jake, Cosby, and others who’s nicknames won’t work on the blog.

Each time I know the guy is trouble (when he walks in)… and yet, each time I’m still drawn in. Each time I’m sure my guy friends roll their eyes and think, there she goes again. And each time, I’m all “but he’s different!”

He’s not, though. He’s trouble just like the one right before him.

Do you have a similar problem – guys/girls you know are trouble when you first meet them, but you can’t pull away? C’mon, don’t leave me here out on this island with just Taylor.

Unanswered Prayers and Dodged Bullets

There’s been recent chatter about the ideas represented in Beyonce’s song, Best I Never Had, that have confused me a bit.

Basically, the sentiment has been that women are silly for thinking that any man is sitting around thinking that he lost someone great when a break-up occurs, and therefore – the song is silly, because that’s the premise of the song. Yet, I would argue that the song is more about her belief that she dodged a bullet than about her belief that he missed out. Now, don’t get me wrong – she does think he’s missing out, but what person with some sort of self esteem doesn’t feel that way? Like Lil Wayne once said, ‘If I don’t think I’m the best, who will?’ Or something like that…

Anyway, let’s look at some of the lyrics to see if I’m right.

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind…

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ out

AND

I wanted you bad
I’m so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had.

That sounds like a woman saying, “thank you Lord” for not having that one work out. As much as I wanted it; it wasn’t the best thing for me. I’ve certainly felt that way. #Jake #Cosby anyone? But let’s take me out of the equation for a second, because other songs have expressed this emotion as well. Songs made by men. Popular songs made by men. Maybe we should bring in Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers to show what I mean.

She was the one that I’d wanted for all times
And each night I’d spend prayin’ that God would make her mine
And if he’d only grant me this wish I wished back then
I’d never ask for anything again…

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Some of God’s greatest gifts are all too often unanswered
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Is this not the same feeling? Am I trippin? I mean, isn’t it a human emotion to be thankful when you realize that the thing you thought you wanted wasn’t what you needed? I just feel like that can’t be something that only women feel. In fact, I’ve seen more than enough guys on Facebook talking about #dodged bullets to know that it’s not something that only women feel. But maybe I’m wrong, and I’ve completely misinterpreted the song. My theory, however, is that Beyonce’ has kind of become synonymous (for many men) with man bashing songs, so immediately the feeling is that she can’t possibly be expressing a legitimate thought that many people have. (And this is coming from someone who much prefers her “Diva” songs to her attempts at being deep.)

What do you all think? Is Beyonce’ perpetuating a silly emotion or is she just speaking a truth felt by many? And let’s talk a bit about dodged bullets. Have you ever had that “aha” moment from a past relationship?

So D-Magic, what would you like for Christmas?

Dear Santa,

I know I haven’t been the best little girl all year, but I think I’ve been much better than I was last year. That’s got to count for something, right? We’ll go with yes. 🙂

So Santa, I don’t really have a lot of wishes. I’m not going to ask for Artie to walk, because I mean, Santa Beiste already did that anyway. And I’m not going to ask for a car, because with the exceptions of when I want to go out of town, to the grocery store or to church, I’m pretty fine without one – wait, maybe I should rethink this and ask for a car. Those were a lot of exceptions lol.

But while I’m not asking for those things, some of mine may be a lil difficult… But you’re Santa, so you should be able to handle it. Plus, I don’t want to have to get Riley Freeman on you – I’d hate for it to come to that 🙂

Here are the things I’d like:

– the ability to wink. Sounds silly but ever since I told people that I couldn’t, I’ve been informed of how much I’m missing out on by having this ailment. And we know I don’t like to be left out, Santa.

– you remember that snarky email I sent to that guy last week? Can we, ummm, make sure that doesn’t get used for ammunition on his blog? Actually, it would just be great if he forgot all about it. While we’re at it – you know all the other snarky and/or embarrassing things I’ve said to men this year – we could also act like those didn’t happen. Thanks!

– oh and you remember that cute guy I met like a month and 1/2 ago, can we keep him around for a little while longer? He makes me laugh, and I like laughing.

– I would also like to institute a mandatory dancing session for all Grey’s lovers on Thursdays (unless you’re out of course) while the show is on hiatus. I did this the other day and Had. A. Blast!

– oh and you know those shrimp sliders and praline cookies that I’m making from scratch this month? Can those come out really really good? I’d like that kindly.

– and last but not least, I’d really like some nice looking chap to sing the Bruno Mars song, Amazing, to me. I love that song! Maybe Darren Sharper??? I’d also kind of prefer it be someone who can actually sing… but you know, whatever works!

Anyway, I think that’s all I can think of for now (well, you know other than peace in the Middle East and a great holiday season for all my friends and family). I look forward to “opening up” all my presents heehee.

Sincerely,
D-Magic

Dear readers, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask Santa? Go ahead and share… sharing is caring.

It’s REALLY not that Complicated…

“It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine…” ~ Common

There are some things in life that are complicated, like Physics for instance. However, matters of the heart tend not to be as complicated as I think we make them sometimes. I know that I can certainly testify about times when the answer to my query was simpler than I thought. Questions like, how can he not like me…. “when he calls all the time” or “we have our own inside jokes?” Or “what does he mean when he says I’m not looking for a relationship, but still wants to see me consistently?” or even “how can he not want to be with me, but keep coming back to me?”

The trick is that the answer to all these questions about different men is the same. It doesn’t matter.

Your circumstances do. not. matter. If a guy says he doesn’t want to be with you (in whatever version he chooses to say it in), the rest of that other stuff immediately becomes null and void. It’s our responsibility as women to understand, process, and put into use this credo – it just doesn’t matter.

Now, I know this may be easier said than done for several reasons. Hell, I’m writing this post because as much as I know this to be true, I’ve found myself second guessing this fact sometimes in my own personal relationships. It starts off small – you make one excuse for the guy, something as simple as “oh, he just forgot to call because he was studying last night,” and suddenly you’ve strayed away from what you know to be true – people make time for who and what they want to make time for.

Next thing you know you’re saying stuff like, “well…. but he introduced me to his parents,” or “but he knows my number by heart,” or “but we have such a connection and a great time when we’re together,” and you’ve turned all those “but” statements into possible beliefs that he does like you – but he’s scared or he’s not ready or he just thinks he’ll hurt you, or whatever else you come up with —> and we literally forget the thing that we know: it’s just not that complicated.

But because of those beliefs, we hang on. We hang on to the slightest hope that we’re right. And even if we are right, that may be somehow he does actually like you but something is stopping him, the important part of that sentence is that he has made his choice not to move – NOT to be with you.

You have to make yours.

Let’s not be fooled by what may come off as indecision. It doesn’t take a lifetime to realize you like someone or you want to be with them. So if a guy is not clear about his feelings with you – then the truth must be told – you’re not it for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there aren’t gray situations. But I find that too often, we think that something is gray when it’s not. The problem is that its easy to see the signs in someone else’s relationship – but when it comes to our own, we go blind. Hell, Nivea (yes, I’m using Nivea as an example) sang a song called Complicated, in which she talks about how love doesn’t have to complicated and she’s so happy that she now she gets that. And then just a few years later, she divorced her husband to be with Wayne again, and we all saw how that worked out.

Listen, this is no “He’s Just Not that Into You” post. While that book does make some good points, it tends to generalize and compartmentalize situations. This is just a reminder for what we already know… A reminder to you, to me, to all my girls out there reading this post —> When a man likes you, I mean really likes you, he’ll show you, he’ll tell you, and he won’t take the chance of letting you slip away no matter the circumstances. More importantly, you won’t have any questions or but statements regarding his feelings; you’ll just know. And there’s nothing complicated about that.

Such a Huge EGO

“It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it wont fit… it’s too much, it’s too tough, he talk like this cuz he can back it up.”

So on my Honey blog, I briefly talked about how I love the song, Ego. It was a shorter post, but here I can elaborate.  So let me start here where I ended there (yeah, that means you still have to read it lol).

I. Love. This. Song.

Mainly because I can so relate to looooving a man’s ego, whether Beyonce is talking about his orange aura or his penis – I’ve loved them both (although, between me and you, she’s soooo talking about his penis).

Even more so than the original song, however – I loooove the remix. And I’m not alone.

“I got a big ego, (hahaha), I’m such a big ego, (hahaha), I got a big, (hahaha), Ego, She love my big, (hahaha), Ego, So stroke my big, (hahaha), Ego, I like to joke around a little bit but here we go…”

Don’t believe me? Well, let me tell you – I know at least two people who can’t seem to get enough of the remix. I will not put them out there and say who they are, real or fake names, but trust me – they love it. How do I know? Because every chance they get, they find some way to throw it in conversation – like, “Mr. So and So came over yesterday… ha ha ha… he’s got a big ego… ha ha ha… I love his big ego…. ha ha ha” or “I want to see you… ha ha ha… so does my ego… ha ha ha…” – you get the point.

Now, it’s possible that these 2 and all the other thousands of fans of the remix just enjoy the silliness of the concept. Highly plausible – might even be part of the reason. Heck, I think it’s funny too (granted, not as funny as them – but funny nonetheless). However, I think it’s something more.

I think the reason Kanye’s verse works so well is the same reason Beyonce’s song became a big hit – people like talking

look at Beyonce - she knows what she's saying!

dirty, but being able to conceal it in some manner. I mean, it would be completely inappropriate to tell someone that they should stroke your penis, you might even get slapped or hung up on – but say “ego” and suddenly it becomes funny, dirty enough to be intriguing, but still clean enough to make a respectable girl feel okay with the content.

Which leads me to my theory  – and really the point of this whole post: I think everyone likes a little smudge on their clothes sometimes. Seriously – think about it. Even the good girl likes the chance to be naughty sometimes and the quickest way to do it is use some coy, not so subtle analogy for the sexual organs – and talk about stroking and/or licking them.

What say you, dear readers? Do you agree????

Helloooooooo Luva!

*Anyone who watches Sex and the City will know exactly how that title should be said and accentuated.

Ironically, even though these shoes are Jessica Simpson shoes, I could actually see them fitting right in with the women of SATC. The Jessica Simpson Hellos can be found at Dillard’s Department store and have a cushiony footbed, leather upper and synthetic outsole. $89.00

Never Ever

“If that boy dont love you by now, he will never ever, never ever love you.”

You know what’s funny, up until this song, I was definitely feeling like my boy Mike about Ciara when he said she needed to find her voice in music. I’m not saying she’s found it yet, but she’s certainly helped me with another topic for the blog and hey, thats always a plus in my book. lol

It’s an interesting concept, really. And not one that I can say I’m unfamiliar with. Let me get a little personal with yall. There once was this boy that I loved, only problem was that I felt he cared for me… clearly not the same, right? Anyway, we got into an interesting conversation one night, where I basically told him something very similar to Ciara’s chant in this song… that he hadnt fallen in love with me by then, so I knew he never would. This same boy looked at me as if I was crazy. Afterall, how could I tell him what feelings he would have and how his would grow.

But really, as I told him and I believe Ciara means the same thing in this song, it’s not whether his feelings would grow, it’s that I had finally decided to stop waiting and realized whatever his feelings would be, they wouldnt be good enough for me. He would never ever love me like I wanted him to. I bring this topic up because it seems to be prevalent in our discussions lately these days, with Ciara’s song and now with He’s Just Not THAT into You opening this weekend. (Side note: every woman, and I mean every woman, should either read the book or movie at some point in your life. Yes, it doesnt allow for grey situations, but it will stop you from giving those lame excuses women give about men all the time.)

In the movie (and book), they give examples of when you should just resign yourself to the fact that a relationship between you and the guy isnt going to happen. If he isnt calling, if he isnt asking you out (ie pursuing you), and if he’s married… chances are you’re not the one for him. Really, more accurately their point is that if the rule is 9 out of 10 times you’re not the one for him, expect to be the rule and not the exception.

That’s a hard stance for a lot of us to take. Women these days are being told to be more aggressive and go for theirs. Heck, I’ve even lauded the benefits of women come hithering men instead of the other way around lol. But I dont think thats what the book, the movie, or the song means. I think they’re all trying to say the same thing: if the signs point to him giving you so-called mixed messages or you dont understand where you stand with this man, the reality is that you do. One of my cousins told me a couple years ago (after the situation I talked about above) that if a man wants you, he’s going to make damn sure that no one has the opportunity to be with you, but him. And no excuse possible will stop that (unless you dont want him back, of course lol). Oh, but if he really doesnt want you… he will never ever want you, and you should move on.

What do you guys think? Is this the rule when it comes to dating? Or just a bunch of poppy cock in the long line of poppy cock out there?

Let’s Roll*

“Let’s roll,” he said, with all the confidence of a man who was used to this type of thing. I mean, I wasn’t trippin, but he really did seem like the prospect of this one night stand was absolutely no sweat off his back. Like he did this every night or something.

“Okay, get it together,” I told myself. “This is something you’ve wanted for awhile now with this guy,” or at least I said I did.

I looked up at him, hand stretched out, waiting for me to get out of my seat and go with him. And yet it took me minutes, probably hours to actually take his hand. Okay. it was probably more like seconds, but in those seconds, I contemplated so many things.

What if its not worth it, I thought. Wait, what if he thinks I’m no good afterwards. Okay, that’s wasn’t really an option, but you never know.

I didn’t stop there. What if he secretly had a camera waiting to film our encounter and I would forever be known as a real video girl to his friends? And would he think of me as a whore after?

I just couldn’t stop myself. On and on I thought, as I fidgeted in my chair and knocked together my new Jessica Simpson booties that had given me the confidence to even be in this position in the first place. “Okay,” I said aloud, halfway to him and halfway to myself as an indicator that my feet should start moving and force my body to get out of the seat.

I looked back at him, and when he smiled at me with his beautiful straight white teeth, I knew I’d made the right decision for me. Giving him my hand, I allowed him to help me up from the plush brown leather couch that had engulfed me in its presence.

He gestured to his boy and we walked to the closet where my coat hang… so that we could leave and go to his place. I slid my coat on, looked at him one more time to reassure myself, then looked at my girl who was cheesing at my opportunity. Right, I remembered… I wanted this.

The moments in the car seemed endless. He’d strategically put on some Shai to set the mood right, but I kept thinking how I probably needed more than some shoe courage to pull this feat off. I needed some liquid courage asap, and I wasn’t too sure I would get any before the deed would begin.

Soon after these thoughts ran through my head, we pulled into his driveway, and for a moment, I was good. He looked my way, winked and said, “you’re okay, right?” “Yeah, I’m good,” I replied, sort of convincing myself. “Alright then.” And with that, he turned the car off, opened his door and jumped out, and before I knew it, he was on my side of the car, opening my passenger door. Was my jump off a gentleman as well?

We walked to the front door of his house and as soon as we’d entered the foyer, he turned to me with that same confidence he’d had before we left. “Take your clothes off,” he said, half whispering but still with a sense of command. Well, that gentleman question got answered pretty quickly.

I looked down at my clothes underneath my coat. I stood there in front of him with a white tank top, suspenders, skinny jeans, and heels… And he was asking, no wait, telling me to take everything off. Before we’d even reached the couch. Before I even got a tour of the house. Damn lol.

“Take off your clothes,” he said a little louder this time and walked closer to me, as if the reason I hadn’t started before was because I didn’t hear him.

“I..I… Don’t know if I can do this.” I began fidgeting again… these damn heels, I thought. What once gave me such confidence earlier in the night was now prohibiting me from making a break and running outside to get away from this awkward situation. Note to self, 4 inch heels are not the thing to wear when you’re not sure of what your actions will be later on that night.

We both stood in silence for minutes that felt like hours, but were actually probably seconds again. I fidgeted, he looked dumb struck, and then he broke the silence with one word… “okay.” With that, he’d ended the awkward moment as he walked back to his front door and gestured me back towards the car. I stared at those damn shoes the whole ride back to my friends house. I would never live this one down.

* Just another attempt at strengthening my short story skills….

To Wear or Not to Wear…

that is the question!

These boot thingies that Rihanna wore recently are ummmm, interesting to say the least. But if you’re interested in them, Nine West has their own the version. TheRocket is currently on sale at $59.99 and comes in black, brown, and grey leather and features a 1/2 inch heel.