What Happens When He’s Your All

12 08 2013
Photo: Stevie J and Joseline interview with the Breakfast Club

Photo: Stevie J and Joseline interview with the Breakfast Club

While watching the LHHATL reunion part 1 last week, I found myself in deep, heaving tears over the Joseline Hernandez situation with Stevie J. Normally, I just find their antics crazy and funny and ridiculous, but this time, I could no longer laugh.

There she sat, the self-proclaimed Puerto Rican Princess, and told anyone who was listening that Stevie J was her all. He was everything to her and without him, she was nothing.

And I wept for her – this woman who I’ve never met in my life. But I also wept for all the women not on reality TV who feel the exact same way about the men in their lives.

I talked about the difference between being strong and weak in your relationship a few years ago, but what I didn’t touch on at the time was how dangerous it is to make someone your all. I know it sounds romantic. I know Hollywood and the music industry have made us collectively want that type of romance with movies like Jerry Maguire and songs like Lost Without You by Robin Thicke, but the problem with someone being your all is that your happiness, strength, self-worth, everything is dependent on that person.

And whether you know it or not, that means they control everything about you because you will accept whatever and do whatever it takes to keep him or her in your life. Did you hear what she said about Stevie on that stage? Just a few of the numerous sad statements included…

Stevie doesn’t know how to treat a woman because he didn’t have a mother, and when you don’t have a mother… even with me, I have a mother, but she didn’t really teach me anything. So it’s like anything that I do in life, I have to learn on my own. And then that hurts me too because I never had nobody to teach me anything and he knows that… He does (manipulate). But I also understand that I can’t dwell on everything that he does. I gotta move on… but I do love Stevie, I do.

Or how about…

I’m trying to change him and make him become a better man, because I love him and he’s a great guy.

And finally…

I forgive Stevie. Like he say, I’m like a piece of cake for him, because there’s not one day I don’t sleep with this man. There’s not one day I don’t see this man…

Yo, even Mimi felt bad for her after hearing all that because she knew what it meant: Joseline’s everything was dependent on Stevie. She was lost without him. She was no one without him. And listen, there’s absolutely nothing romantic about that.

PS: If you enjoy reading Choices, Voices, and Sole, please consider nominating the blog for one of the categories in this year’s Black Weblog Awards. You can learn more information about the awards and the nomination process here. Also, the nomination period ends September 6, 2013. Note: Choices, Voices, and Sole was nominated in 4 categories last year by some of our most amazing readers!


I Knew You Were Trouble…

22 07 2013

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now… Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.” – Trouble, Taylor Swift

Say what you want about Taylor, she knew what the hell she was talking about when she wrote this song.


For some folks this is synonymous with bad, but I’ve never been attracted to the typical definition of a bad boy. No, no I like clean cut guys who can rock a suit just as comfortably as some basketball shorts. And I’m not into the Stringer Bell kinda dude either. I’m corny, so I tend to like guys who don’t take themselves too seriously… and you know, who aren’t into committing crimes.

None of that sounds too bad, right?

Except that I have this horrible affinity for playboys. Charmers. Smooth operators. Whatever word you want to call them, if there’s a guy around who knows how to talk a good game (and I’m attracted to him), chances are there’s trouble in my future.

I know this. It’s not a mystery to me at all. And so, along my dating journey, I’ve tried to combat this desire of mine by occasionally dating the guy who’s not at all trouble — the one who can’t charm the pants off of me with one word, the guy who’s just perfectly fine and good… and you know what happens? Disaster.

One time I even went on a date with a guy and was so utterly disappointed in the guy and the date that I immediately went home and aim-ed my ex-whatever he was (clearly this was sometime ago by the AIM reference), because I knew at least he could put a smile on my face after that horrendous evening. Well, I was right. He did put a smile on my face. And then we proceeded to getting back to doing whatever it was we were doing previously for several more months… even though I initially ended things because I sensed how much trouble he was! The man’s nickname between my friends was “crack” after all. If that doesn’t sound like trouble, I don’t know what does.

But he’s certainly not my only trouble guy experience. Over the years, there have been plenty, including but not limited to Benny, Mr. Carter, JD, Comedy Central, Jake, Cosby, and others who’s nicknames won’t work on the blog.

Each time I know the guy is trouble (when he walks in)… and yet, each time I’m still drawn in. Each time I’m sure my guy friends roll their eyes and think, there she goes again. And each time, I’m all “but he’s different!”

He’s not, though. He’s trouble just like the one right before him.

Do you have a similar problem – guys/girls you know are trouble when you first meet them, but you can’t pull away? C’mon, don’t leave me here out on this island with just Taylor.

Unanswered Prayers and Dodged Bullets

27 07 2011

There’s been recent chatter about the ideas represented in Beyonce’s song, Best I Never Had, that have confused me a bit.

Basically, the sentiment has been that women are silly for thinking that any man is sitting around thinking that he lost someone great when a break-up occurs, and therefore – the song is silly, because that’s the premise of the song. Yet, I would argue that the song is more about her belief that she dodged a bullet than about her belief that he missed out. Now, don’t get me wrong – she does think he’s missing out, but what person with some sort of self esteem doesn’t feel that way? Like Lil Wayne once said, ‘If I don’t think I’m the best, who will?’ Or something like that…

Anyway, let’s look at some of the lyrics to see if I’m right.

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind…

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ out


I wanted you bad
I’m so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had.

That sounds like a woman saying, “thank you Lord” for not having that one work out. As much as I wanted it; it wasn’t the best thing for me. I’ve certainly felt that way. #Jake #Cosby anyone? But let’s take me out of the equation for a second, because other songs have expressed this emotion as well. Songs made by men. Popular songs made by men. Maybe we should bring in Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers to show what I mean.

She was the one that I’d wanted for all times
And each night I’d spend prayin’ that God would make her mine
And if he’d only grant me this wish I wished back then
I’d never ask for anything again…

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Some of God’s greatest gifts are all too often unanswered
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Is this not the same feeling? Am I trippin? I mean, isn’t it a human emotion to be thankful when you realize that the thing you thought you wanted wasn’t what you needed? I just feel like that can’t be something that only women feel. In fact, I’ve seen more than enough guys on Facebook talking about #dodged bullets to know that it’s not something that only women feel. But maybe I’m wrong, and I’ve completely misinterpreted the song. My theory, however, is that Beyonce’ has kind of become synonymous (for many men) with man bashing songs, so immediately the feeling is that she can’t possibly be expressing a legitimate thought that many people have. (And this is coming from someone who much prefers her “Diva” songs to her attempts at being deep.)

What do you all think? Is Beyonce’ perpetuating a silly emotion or is she just speaking a truth felt by many? And let’s talk a bit about dodged bullets. Have you ever had that “aha” moment from a past relationship?

So D-Magic, what would you like for Christmas?

13 12 2010

Dear Santa,

I know I haven’t been the best little girl all year, but I think I’ve been much better than I was last year. That’s got to count for something, right? We’ll go with yes. 🙂

So Santa, I don’t really have a lot of wishes. I’m not going to ask for Artie to walk, because I mean, Santa Beiste already did that anyway. And I’m not going to ask for a car, because with the exceptions of when I want to go out of town, to the grocery store or to church, I’m pretty fine without one – wait, maybe I should rethink this and ask for a car. Those were a lot of exceptions lol.

But while I’m not asking for those things, some of mine may be a lil difficult… But you’re Santa, so you should be able to handle it. Plus, I don’t want to have to get Riley Freeman on you – I’d hate for it to come to that 🙂

Here are the things I’d like:

– the ability to wink. Sounds silly but ever since I told people that I couldn’t, I’ve been informed of how much I’m missing out on by having this ailment. And we know I don’t like to be left out, Santa.

– you remember that snarky email I sent to that guy last week? Can we, ummm, make sure that doesn’t get used for ammunition on his blog? Actually, it would just be great if he forgot all about it. While we’re at it – you know all the other snarky and/or embarrassing things I’ve said to men this year – we could also act like those didn’t happen. Thanks!

– oh and you remember that cute guy I met like a month and 1/2 ago, can we keep him around for a little while longer? He makes me laugh, and I like laughing.

– I would also like to institute a mandatory dancing session for all Grey’s lovers on Thursdays (unless you’re out of course) while the show is on hiatus. I did this the other day and Had. A. Blast!

– oh and you know those shrimp sliders and praline cookies that I’m making from scratch this month? Can those come out really really good? I’d like that kindly.

– and last but not least, I’d really like some nice looking chap to sing the Bruno Mars song, Amazing, to me. I love that song! Maybe Darren Sharper??? I’d also kind of prefer it be someone who can actually sing… but you know, whatever works!

Anyway, I think that’s all I can think of for now (well, you know other than peace in the Middle East and a great holiday season for all my friends and family). I look forward to “opening up” all my presents heehee.


Dear readers, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask Santa? Go ahead and share… sharing is caring.

It’s REALLY not that Complicated…

7 06 2010

“It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine…” ~ Common

There are some things in life that are complicated, like Physics for instance. However, matters of the heart tend not to be as complicated as I think we make them sometimes. I know that I can certainly testify about times when the answer to my query was simpler than I thought. Questions like, how can he not like me…. “when he calls all the time” or “we have our own inside jokes?” Or “what does he mean when he says I’m not looking for a relationship, but still wants to see me consistently?” or even “how can he not want to be with me, but keep coming back to me?”

The trick is that the answer to all these questions about different men is the same. It doesn’t matter.

Your circumstances do. not. matter. If a guy says he doesn’t want to be with you (in whatever version he chooses to say it in), the rest of that other stuff immediately becomes null and void. It’s our responsibility as women to understand, process, and put into use this credo – it just doesn’t matter.

Now, I know this may be easier said than done for several reasons. Hell, I’m writing this post because as much as I know this to be true, I’ve found myself second guessing this fact sometimes in my own personal relationships. It starts off small – you make one excuse for the guy, something as simple as “oh, he just forgot to call because he was studying last night,” and suddenly you’ve strayed away from what you know to be true – people make time for who and what they want to make time for.

Next thing you know you’re saying stuff like, “well…. but he introduced me to his parents,” or “but he knows my number by heart,” or “but we have such a connection and a great time when we’re together,” and you’ve turned all those “but” statements into possible beliefs that he does like you – but he’s scared or he’s not ready or he just thinks he’ll hurt you, or whatever else you come up with —> and we literally forget the thing that we know: it’s just not that complicated.

But because of those beliefs, we hang on. We hang on to the slightest hope that we’re right. And even if we are right, that may be somehow he does actually like you but something is stopping him, the important part of that sentence is that he has made his choice not to move – NOT to be with you.

You have to make yours.

Let’s not be fooled by what may come off as indecision. It doesn’t take a lifetime to realize you like someone or you want to be with them. So if a guy is not clear about his feelings with you – then the truth must be told – you’re not it for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there aren’t gray situations. But I find that too often, we think that something is gray when it’s not. The problem is that its easy to see the signs in someone else’s relationship – but when it comes to our own, we go blind. Hell, Nivea (yes, I’m using Nivea as an example) sang a song called Complicated, in which she talks about how love doesn’t have to complicated and she’s so happy that she now she gets that. And then just a few years later, she divorced her husband to be with Wayne again, and we all saw how that worked out.

Listen, this is no “He’s Just Not that Into You” post. While that book does make some good points, it tends to generalize and compartmentalize situations. This is just a reminder for what we already know… A reminder to you, to me, to all my girls out there reading this post —> When a man likes you, I mean really likes you, he’ll show you, he’ll tell you, and he won’t take the chance of letting you slip away no matter the circumstances. More importantly, you won’t have any questions or but statements regarding his feelings; you’ll just know. And there’s nothing complicated about that.

Such a Huge EGO

17 09 2009

“It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it wont fit… it’s too much, it’s too tough, he talk like this cuz he can back it up.”

So on my Honey blog, I briefly talked about how I love the song, Ego. It was a shorter post, but here I can elaborate.  So let me start here where I ended there (yeah, that means you still have to read it lol).

I. Love. This. Song.

Mainly because I can so relate to looooving a man’s ego, whether Beyonce is talking about his orange aura or his penis – I’ve loved them both (although, between me and you, she’s soooo talking about his penis).

Even more so than the original song, however – I loooove the remix. And I’m not alone.

“I got a big ego, (hahaha), I’m such a big ego, (hahaha), I got a big, (hahaha), Ego, She love my big, (hahaha), Ego, So stroke my big, (hahaha), Ego, I like to joke around a little bit but here we go…”

Don’t believe me? Well, let me tell you – I know at least two people who can’t seem to get enough of the remix. I will not put them out there and say who they are, real or fake names, but trust me – they love it. How do I know? Because every chance they get, they find some way to throw it in conversation – like, “Mr. So and So came over yesterday… ha ha ha… he’s got a big ego… ha ha ha… I love his big ego…. ha ha ha” or “I want to see you… ha ha ha… so does my ego… ha ha ha…” – you get the point.

Now, it’s possible that these 2 and all the other thousands of fans of the remix just enjoy the silliness of the concept. Highly plausible – might even be part of the reason. Heck, I think it’s funny too (granted, not as funny as them – but funny nonetheless). However, I think it’s something more.

I think the reason Kanye’s verse works so well is the same reason Beyonce’s song became a big hit – people like talking

look at Beyonce - she knows what she's saying!

look at Beyonce - she knows what she's saying!

dirty, but being able to conceal it in some manner. I mean, it would be completely inappropriate to tell someone that they should stroke your penis, you might even get slapped or hung up on – but say “ego” and suddenly it becomes funny, dirty enough to be intriguing, but still clean enough to make a respectable girl feel okay with the content.

Which leads me to my theory  – and really the point of this whole post: I think everyone likes a little smudge on their clothes sometimes. Seriously – think about it. Even the good girl likes the chance to be naughty sometimes and the quickest way to do it is use some coy, not so subtle analogy for the sexual organs – and talk about stroking and/or licking them.

What say you, dear readers? Do you agree????

Helloooooooo Luva!

25 03 2009


*Anyone who watches Sex and the City will know exactly how that title should be said and accentuated.

Ironically, even though these shoes are Jessica Simpson shoes, I could actually see them fitting right in with the women of SATC. The Jessica Simpson Hellos can be found at Dillard’s Department store and have a cushiony footbed, leather upper and synthetic outsole. $89.00