It’s REALLY not that Complicated…

7 06 2010

“It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine…” ~ Common

There are some things in life that are complicated, like Physics for instance. However, matters of the heart tend not to be as complicated as I think we make them sometimes. I know that I can certainly testify about times when the answer to my query was simpler than I thought. Questions like, how can he not like me…. “when he calls all the time” or “we have our own inside jokes?” Or “what does he mean when he says I’m not looking for a relationship, but still wants to see me consistently?” or even “how can he not want to be with me, but keep coming back to me?”

The trick is that the answer to all these questions about different men is the same. It doesn’t matter.

Your circumstances do. not. matter. If a guy says he doesn’t want to be with you (in whatever version he chooses to say it in), the rest of that other stuff immediately becomes null and void. It’s our responsibility as women to understand, process, and put into use this credo – it just doesn’t matter.

Now, I know this may be easier said than done for several reasons. Hell, I’m writing this post because as much as I know this to be true, I’ve found myself second guessing this fact sometimes in my own personal relationships. It starts off small – you make one excuse for the guy, something as simple as “oh, he just forgot to call because he was studying last night,” and suddenly you’ve strayed away from what you know to be true – people make time for who and what they want to make time for.

Next thing you know you’re saying stuff like, “well…. but he introduced me to his parents,” or “but he knows my number by heart,” or “but we have such a connection and a great time when we’re together,” and you’ve turned all those “but” statements into possible beliefs that he does like you – but he’s scared or he’s not ready or he just thinks he’ll hurt you, or whatever else you come up with —> and we literally forget the thing that we know: it’s just not that complicated.

But because of those beliefs, we hang on. We hang on to the slightest hope that we’re right. And even if we are right, that may be somehow he does actually like you but something is stopping him, the important part of that sentence is that he has made his choice not to move – NOT to be with you.

You have to make yours.

Let’s not be fooled by what may come off as indecision. It doesn’t take a lifetime to realize you like someone or you want to be with them. So if a guy is not clear about his feelings with you – then the truth must be told – you’re not it for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there aren’t gray situations. But I find that too often, we think that something is gray when it’s not. The problem is that its easy to see the signs in someone else’s relationship – but when it comes to our own, we go blind. Hell, Nivea (yes, I’m using Nivea as an example) sang a song called Complicated, in which she talks about how love doesn’t have to complicated and she’s so happy that she now she gets that. And then just a few years later, she divorced her husband to be with Wayne again, and we all saw how that worked out.

Listen, this is no “He’s Just Not that Into You” post. While that book does make some good points, it tends to generalize and compartmentalize situations. This is just a reminder for what we already know… A reminder to you, to me, to all my girls out there reading this post —> When a man likes you, I mean really likes you, he’ll show you, he’ll tell you, and he won’t take the chance of letting you slip away no matter the circumstances. More importantly, you won’t have any questions or but statements regarding his feelings; you’ll just know. And there’s nothing complicated about that.

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1 07 2010
How to get UN-caught up… « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] caught up on some dumb ish by men. In a nutshell, it goes back to what I talked about previously on It’s Really Not that Complicated, that we as women find ways to believe in the small thing a guy does that fits in line with what we […]

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