Even though a recent study verified what I’ve assumed for quite some time – that sex really doesn’t burn off that many calories – I still contend that’s no excuse to go back to acting like you’re a diving board that needs to be jumped on in order to move.
Thankfully, I’m not the only one.
According iVillage, there’s 14 ways to determine if you’re not exactly putting it down in bed. I’d say there’s one perfect way to know¹, but their 14 indicators weren’t all that bad. Some of the gems?
Your pre-sex routine takes longer than the act itself.
Your sex routine has become, well, routine.
You never take the lead.
You act like it’s a favor.
You clam up when things heat up.
Those sound pretty valid to me.
But more important than discussing why what you may be doing is wrong is getting at the root of why some of these things may happen in the first place. And while I’m by no means anyone’s sex expert, my best guess would be issues around self-confidence. And that’s not just regarding looks, but also in ability, in lack of experience, in yourself in general, and yes – also, in your looks.
How do I know? Well, I used to be that girl. When I first started having sex, I was so afraid of everything. I was worried that the guy I was seeing wouldn’t like the way I looked with no clothes on, so it helped that it first happened in a dimly candlelit room. But then, I was worried that if I ever did anything with him during the day or with the lights on, he’d realize what he didn’t see before! Like, I mean, I was pure terrified.
I was also worried that my ahem, skills, might not be up to par. Have you seen some of those positions that folks have suggested you try? Listen, it’s quite daunting to tell someone to do a reverse cowboy that turns into a scissor position that flips into doggy style and finishes with a mounting bridge when they’ve never done anything ever. So instead, I just kinda laid there. That sounds like fun, right? No.
But my worries didn’t stop there. I was also insecure about showing too much excitement and concerned that maybe he and the other men I would go on to bed were just in it for the sex, even though most of them never did anything to warrant such a concern.
And then one day, I realized something just wasn’t working. Sure, I enjoyed having sex, but I wasn’t really enjoying it like I felt I should. So I started psyching myself out, faking it until I made it, pumping myself up with affirmations until I believed every single one of them. I’d never considered myself an insecure person, but that was with my clothes on – this was a whole nother ball game. I made it a point to get comfortable with my naked body – doing things like looking at myself in the mirror and dancing around my apartment with less and less clothes on, etc… And I wrote out little notes to myself, like “Hey you sexy thang! You look great!” I know it sounds silly. I really do. But it worked!
Next, I worked to determine what I liked and didn’t like. I had the benefit of having some benevolent assistance in the matter lol, but I also took things into my own hands at times and played around with different concepts by myself. As I looked at it (and still do), if I didn’t know what gave me pleasure before I entered that bedroom (or wherever), I put myself and my partner at a pleasure disadvantage. Sure, you can leave room for exploration and experimentation, but just like with your clothes, there should be some knowledge about what your go-to move(s) is as well.
Putting those two together made it much easier for me to be more comfortable with my partner and enjoy the act for what it was, but it took me getting to a confidant place for that to happen. Now, there’s no need for my pre-sex routine to be longer than the act. I don’t need to wind this clock too much to make it go lol. And I’m certainly not clamming up when things get too heated or acting like this is a favor to him and not something for us both to enjoy.
And it’s all because I’m way more confident in me, and I’m much more willing to speak up for what I want. Without those two things, I’d probably still be having boring, bad sex. And really – who’s about that life?
So if you find yourself wondering if you’re bad in bed or you noticed that you did 10 out of the 14 things on their list, maybe it’s time to do work on yourself before hopping back in that bed. I promise those covers won’t look so pristine when your confidence is so high that you’re feeling like Xena the Warrior Princess.
1 The perfect way to know? If you both didn’t enjoy it, then it wasn’t good. Simple as that. Sex should, at all times, be a mutually beneficial act – but that’s for a separate post or podcast lol.