Are You Bad in Bed? Here’s Some Advice to Change That.

7 06 2013
Does your bed still look like this after sex? Good indication. Photo Credit:

Does your bed still look like this after sex? Good indication.
Photo Credit:

Even though a recent study verified what I’ve assumed for quite some time – that sex really doesn’t burn off that many calories – I still contend that’s no excuse to go back to acting like you’re a diving board that needs to be jumped on in order to move.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one.

According iVillage, there’s 14 ways to determine if you’re not exactly putting it down in bed. I’d say there’s one perfect way to know¹, but their 14 indicators weren’t all that bad. Some of the gems?

Your pre-sex routine takes longer than the act itself.

Your sex routine has become, well, routine.

You never take the lead.

You act like it’s a favor.

You clam up when things heat up.

Those sound pretty valid to me.

But more important than discussing why what you may be doing is wrong is getting at the root of why some of these things may happen in the first place. And while I’m by no means anyone’s sex expert, my best guess would be issues around self-confidence. And that’s not just regarding looks, but also in ability, in lack of experience, in yourself in general, and yes – also, in your looks.

How do I know? Well, I used to be that girl. When I first started having sex, I was so afraid of everything. I was worried that the guy I was seeing wouldn’t like the way I looked with no clothes on, so it helped that it first happened in a dimly candlelit room. But then, I was worried that if I ever did anything with him during the day or with the lights on, he’d realize what he didn’t see before! Like, I mean, I was pure terrified.

I was also worried that my ahem, skills, might not be up to par. Have you seen some of those positions that folks have suggested you try? Listen, it’s quite daunting to tell someone to do a reverse cowboy that turns into a scissor position that flips into doggy style and finishes with a mounting bridge when they’ve never done anything ever. So instead, I just kinda laid there. That sounds like fun, right? No.

But my worries didn’t stop there. I was also  insecure about showing too much excitement and concerned that maybe he and the other men I would go on to bed were just in it for the sex, even though most of them never did anything to warrant such a concern.

And then one day, I realized something just wasn’t working. Sure, I enjoyed having sex, but I wasn’t really enjoying it like I felt I should. So I started psyching myself out, faking it until I made it, pumping myself up with affirmations until I believed every single one of them. I’d never considered myself an insecure person, but that was with my clothes on – this was a whole nother ball game. I made it a point to get comfortable with my naked body – doing things like looking at myself in the mirror and dancing around my apartment with less and less clothes on, etc… And I wrote out little notes to myself, like “Hey you sexy thang! You look great!” I know it sounds silly. I really do. But it worked!

Next, I worked to determine what I liked and didn’t like. I had the benefit of having some benevolent assistance in the matter lol, but I also took things into my own hands at times and played around with different concepts by myself. As I looked at it (and still do), if I didn’t know what gave me pleasure before I entered that bedroom (or wherever), I put myself and my partner at a pleasure disadvantage. Sure, you can leave room for exploration and experimentation, but just like with your clothes, there should be some knowledge about what your go-to move(s) is as well.

Putting those two together made it much easier for me to be more comfortable with my partner and enjoy the act for what it was, but it took me getting to a confidant place for that to happen. Now, there’s no need for my pre-sex routine to be longer than the act. I don’t need to wind this clock too much to make it go lol. And I’m certainly not clamming up when things get too heated or acting like this is a favor to him and not something for us both to enjoy.

And it’s all because I’m way more confident in me, and I’m much more willing to speak up for what I want. Without those two things, I’d probably still be having boring, bad sex. And really – who’s about that life?

So if you find yourself wondering if you’re bad in bed or you noticed that you did 10 out of the 14 things on their list, maybe it’s time to do work on yourself before hopping back in that bed. I promise those covers won’t look so pristine when your confidence is so high that you’re feeling like Xena the Warrior Princess.

1 The perfect way to know? If you both didn’t enjoy it, then it wasn’t good. Simple as that. Sex should, at all times, be a mutually beneficial act – but that’s for a separate post or podcast lol.


Does Stupid Ruin Pretty?

24 04 2013
Photo credits: Ryan Lochte - Men's Health/ Stacey Dash -

Photo credits: Ryan Lochte – Men’s Health/ Stacey Dash –

I think it’s long been theorized that women know very early on if they plan/want to have sex with someone, and that usually what stops said plans is that person messing up and saying something stupid that completely alters the sexy factor the woman had in her mind. And while this may not be completely true for all women, I think I can say that the theory holds some validity, especially amongst many of my – shall we say – more grammar-oriented friends.¹

Enter people like Ryan Lochte and Stacey Dash. I think it’s safe to say both are extremely good looking people. Yet I’ve heard, in reference to both, that they should just keep their mouths closed, because when they open it, gems like “I’m a man at night and in the morning” come spewing out. Doesn’t that just make you want to walk away and go shower the skeeve off of you? (I mean, WHAT does that mean, Ryan?!)

Stacey’s no different. I’m sure many a lesbian has been disappointed to find out her actual thoughts beyond those we assumed from her Clueless days. Heck, I’ve even heard men say things like, “I mean, I’d still bang, but she used to seem like wifey material. Now, you just want her to shut up.”

That sounds harsh… initially. But I get it. I might be willing to overlook Ryan’s incessant need to say “chyeah” if he just didn’t EVER say it around me, or really if he didn’t say anything ever at all. Then again, every time I see a promo for his new show on E!, he loses a little piece of his sexiness in my eyes. At this point, he might have to be standing right in front of me (immediately out of the pool, water dripping from his body) for us to recover from the damage he’s inflicted all from just talking.

But that made me wonder – are there things I’m willing to overlook because someone is just THAT fine? We talk about deal breakers all the time, but what about those things that could be deal breakers if it wasn’t for the fact that you really want to get with that person? For example, I’m perfectly willing to overlook the fact that Darren Sharper is old enough to be my uncle. Because trust me, I wouldn’t give one good damn about his age if we met. But, stupid? Stupid might be something a little harder to get over, at least for more than one night.

What about you all, though? Would stupid cancel out pretty for you?

1 I recognize that my friends might just be an anomaly though, since more than one has mentioned how she can’t find a man sexy if he can’t beat her in scrabble. I do not have this problem, by the way.

PDA: How Much is TOO Much?

15 06 2012


Full disclosure: I am not a public display of affection kinda girl. I will admit that there have been very rare occasions (when I was, to use a 90s word, sprung) where I’ve been caught doing PDA type things, like holding the guy’s hand or having him feed me something. But even in those instances, the moment didn’t last long before I got a little uncomfortable, noticed my surroundings, and wanted to take our activities to a more private locale.

It probably has something to do with me being a relatively private person (says the woman who regularly airs her dirty laundry on the blog, right?). I’m that person that likes to keep specific details about her relationships to herself, and I’ve always felt that when it came to the intimacy between my partner and I – it should stay between us.

So like I said, I readily admit my part in what I’m about to say, because I don’t typically like a lot of PDA. But on my way to Philly a couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure (read: sarcasm) of standing directly behind a couple that was driving me absolutely bananas. They took PDA to a whole nother level. They made cute little kissing noises non stop and kept alternating between “I love you’s” and “I love you more’s.” They kissed with their noses and play fought each other. They tickled each other and even alternated grabbing each other from behind and trying to make the other person sit on each one’s lap.

They were doing the most, y’all. For like, 40 minutes straight.

And everyone around me thought so, as well. At first, I thought it was just my PDA bias, but as I began to look around, I noticed that everyone else in line was either rolling their eyes or looking on quite disapprovingly.

And yet, like I said, it went on for at least 40 minutes. These people didn’t care that they were being glared at from different directions. As far as they were concerned, or so it seemed, they were in their own little world. And in some sense I get that. I’ve had a guy go to kiss me in public, sense my discomfort, whisper in my ear that “no one else matters. It’s just you and me right now” and totally take my inhibitions away. Never in the way they were doing it and never for 40 minutes, but maybe that was my problem and not theirs.

They were clearly in love, and there was a small part of me that felt bad for wanting to gouge my eyes out because of them. And then they almost knocked this one guy down while trying to play fight in line and I went back to my resolve that it was just too much for the environment they were in at the time.

But the whole incident made me wonder, is there such a thing as too much PDA? Or was it our fault (the outsiders subjected to the PDA) that we were so negatively affected by their public display?

I still don’t have a definitive answer for that (although I’m leaning to there being a case for too much sometimes), so maybe you can help. I will say that it’s interesting to note that the couple in question were definitely not from the United States. I can’t say for certain, but they may have had French accents, and we know that other countries tend to be a little more liberal with their love displays.

What say you? Is there such a thing as too much PDA, and if so how much is too much?

What’s Your Shoe Fantasy?

23 05 2012


“When I close my eyes, You come and take me, On and on and on, It’s so deep in my daydreams, But it’s just a sweet sweet fantasy baby…” ~ Mariah Carey/ Fantasy

Webster defines a fantasy as fancy; imagination; especially a whimsical or fanciful conception; a vagary of the imagination; whim. But what constitutes a shoe fantasy, exactly?

Well, I suppose it could be anything involving shoes in your dreams, like maybe going on a massive shopping spree (Just throw it in the bag!) or coming home to find an awesome shoe closet made just for you. Maybe it’s something even resembling Carrie in Sex and the City when Mr. Big gives her a pair of Manolo Blahniks to symbolize their union instead of an engagement ring.

It could be all of those things.

But that’s not really what I’m talking about today.

No, today I’m talking about the kind of shoe fantasy that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear about.The kind of fantasy that makes people blush or whisper about with their closest friends off in a private corner. The kind that makes you slowly bite your lip as you remember the details. Today, I’m talking about your shoe sex fantasy.

I’m sure we all know by now that women think about sex just as much as men do. One look at the topics covered in magazines across America will certainly confirm that idea. Unfortunately, though – even in those magazines made for women and by women, you see so many topics centered around “pleasing your man” or “what drives him crazy.” But how often do we really discuss what we actually think about and what we actually want?

I’m lucky – most of my friends are quite comfortable with their sexuality and therefore have no problem speaking about it amongst each other. We talk about our desires and our hiccups, our crushes and the things we want to do to them. These conversations make it that much easier for me to confidently say that many of them have confessed to wanting to live out some fantasy while wearing their favorite pair of stilettos. What girl wouldn’t want to do something like that, right?

I mean, what’s sexier than a confident woman, strutting down the street in some heels? I know I get an extra pep in my step when I’m that woman… so think about how sexy and empowered you might feel making that same walk in front of your partner. For the ones who’ve actually been able to live out their shoe fantasy, they say it’s one of the most indulging experiences ever. And I feel like I’m inclined to believe them.

So on this hump day, let’s trade stories (anonymously). What’s your shoe sex fantasy?

PS: Those shoes in that picture – to die for, right?

The Art of Approaching a Man (Revisited) – What does a Man actually want to hear?

21 03 2012

"Hey... he was cute! Shoot - I should have said something."

The other day, I was walking in Columbia Heights and saw this man who lit-rally took my breath away. And I mean that in no exaggeration – I was walking, saw him, and stopped breathing for .5 seconds. I was blown away – something that I don’t think has ever happened to me before. I mean, I’ve met very attractive guys before. Heck, I’ve dated and hooked up with very attractive guys before – but this guy… this guy was on a whole nother level.

You know how you’ll hear guys on TV or the movies say stuff like, “the first time I looked in her eyes, she took my breath away”… and it sounds like a complete bunch of crock. This guy made me realize that it just might not be. Let me be clear though, it wasn’t a swoon – mostly because I think a swoon comes from a more intimate meeting. You hug a guy you really like and you swoon. You accidentally nestle into someone’s chest on a cold winter night – swoon. I don’t think you can swoon over a complete stranger – but then again, I didn’t think you could have your breath taken away by a complete stranger and this happened to me a few days ago, so what do I know.

Anyway, so I’m walking… I notice the guy, he takes my breath away, and then it hits me that he’s walking on the other side of the street and has headphones on so there’s absolutely no way I can smoothly get his attention and coyly say “hi,” hoping he’ll respond and take the lead from there. And then I realize, it’s probably for the best anyway – because the way I reacted initially, if he was standing or walking right past me – I probably would have stumbled all over myself and busted out with something ridiculous, like, “excuse me – are you okay, because it looks like Heaven may have dropped an angel today.”



Anyway, so because I couldn’t say anything to the guy, I texted my friends. And Mandy pants says to me – “D Magic, we’ve got to work on your aggressive skills.” Not because she expected me to sprint across the street after the guy, but because I slipped up and told her what I might have said to him had I had the chance. Either way, I agreed with her. But it’s just so darned difficult!

I’ve admitted to you guys before that I’m more of a friend of a friend type of girl, where I can spark up a convo and engage the cute single guy hanging out at my friend’s house or at happy hour. It’s the random, stranger, minding his own business, walking down the street thing I have a problem with. What do you say to someone in that situation?

I know some of the crap I’ve heard – and trust me, definitely not trying to duplicate stuff like “say girl I’m not trying own ya, just trying to phone ya.” Yea, somehow that didn’t work on me – so I don’t think it would work on a guy either. But what does work?

In a bar/ not crowded elevator/ standing in line somewhere situation – I got the “hi” and smile thing down pat. I mean, really and truly – that’s not that much different from happy hour or at your friend’s house, it’s more about psyching yourself up for it. But someone walking past – ehhhhh, I gots nothing son.

So help me out here fellas. What would you want to hear from a girl if you were in that guy’s position? Has a girl ever approached you and come off the right amount of flirty, fun, and exciting – without seeming desperate? And for my aggressive girls – give me some success stories here (but remember, it’s a guy who’s not being stationary and isn’t in a bar where it’s kind of assumed people are going to come up and talk to him).

A legitimate reason for him NOT wanting to put a ring on it?

1 06 2011

There’s a scene in the Lifetime movie, Marry Me, where Lucy Lu’s character asks the guy she’s on a date with why things didn’t work out with the last girl he dated. Simply put, he tells her that it didn’t work out because he wouldn’t take it to the next level. “She wasn’t the one,” he says. When asked how he knew, his response – “C’mon, you just know.”‘

This is a sentiment I’ve heard my guy friends express before and I’ve heard just as many of my girls scoff at. I know you’ve heard it before – the idea that a guy can usually point out whether you’re Ms. Right Now (for him) or Ms. Right (for him) fairly soon into any kind of dating relationship. The season premiere of Queen Latifah’s new show, Single Girls, also briefly discussed this concept, and actually, we have as well on the blog(although, for the life of me – I can’t find it right now. I’ll update the post when I do). Up until recently though, I didn’t fully understand how someone could so easily make that distinction. But now I’m starting to get what a man means when he says he ended things with someone because he didn’t see a future with her (I think ha ha).

Unfortunately, the reality is that as much fun as you may have with someone, as much as you may enjoy spending time with him/her – there comes a point where we all contemplate whether or not this person has the things you need in a lifetime partner. It can be as simple as the fact that you don’t share future goals (maybe you don’t want kids and he does) or as seemingly vague as recognizing that he has an interesting lack of passion for much of anything, but whatever it is – when you realize it, its hits you like a brick. ‘Wow, this can never go any further than where it is now,’ you think.

First Lady, Michelle Obama, recently spoke about what helped her to know that President Obama was a keeper. In a CNN article, she was quoted as saying, “I knew he was a special person. And it had nothing to do with his education, it had nothing to with potential.” In fact, what she saw in him had nothing to do with the things that people make lists about… nothing to do with how much money he makes or what school he went to or whether or not he had any kids before meeting her. It had everything to do with just knowing there was something about him, or as she says, “It was those kind of values that made me think, you don’t meet people like that often.”

It seems so simple, but it was her eureka moment, or in honor of Oprah retiring her show last week, her ‘aha’ moment. Here stood this man who may not have been rich, but he had passion and sympathy. She saw the way he spoke about his family, she saw how much he cared for his community and how much determination he had to do something about what he saw as wrong, and I can only image that she thought to herself at some point ‘if this man loves that strongly, how awesome would it be if I were someone he loved.’

For the men who are wondering, yes – that’s how we think. We spend a day with a guy and his family and notice how great he is with the kids and think ‘my goodness, he’ll make a great dad and husband.’ But typically for us, that moment comes so much later. And honestly, we either have the positive moment or we decide that we don’t like him. Rarely will you hear a woman say, “oh, I like him. I like spending time with him, but ehhhh I can only see this going so far.” But if we’re truly honest, there’s plenty of opportunities for those moments – we just tend not to realize them. How many times have you been spending time with a guy and you realize he’s fun and funny, but I don’t think I would ever want to bring him home to my parents? Or if things went sour in a week, I’d be alright. That right there is a clue – he’s Mr. Right Now.

So what may come off as crass initially when a guy admits that he only sees you as Ms. Right Now is really just that guy recognizing that moment and being honest. I think if a lot more of us were honest and spent less time trying to turn Mr. Right Now’s into Mr. Right’s, we’d be a lot happier and wouldn’t be expecting rings from guys who have no intention of putting them on our fingers.

The Beauty of In-like

10 03 2011

We’ve talked about crushes. We’ve talked about love. Heck – we’ve even discussed the numerous categories that men can fulfill in your life, but have we actually talked about the act of being in-like on here? Have we?

I don’t think we have… and since apparently, I am (two times over, eeeeek!), I figure now’s as good a time as any. Now, I’m not going to get into specifics, but needless to say – I am enjoying this liking phenomenon. 

So, yes… I. am. in-like. And it’s something that I think we (the generic ‘we’) don’t talk about that often. We don’t give it its due diligence, which is kind of sad when you think about it. I mean, really – so many people are so interested in being in love that they totally miss out on the goodness of being in-like.

Things like:

– the first time you realized that you smile whenever anyone says his name

– the first time you realize you might just be pissing on trees when it comes to other girls liking him too

– that giggly feeling you get when he calls

– that high school girl feeling you get when you see him and he bear hugs you and you stand there smelling his scent for juuuuust a second (I know that’s not just me)

– that awesome sensation the first time you hold hands and he interlocks his fingers with yours

I could name more, but I’ll stop there. All those things are a product of being in-like. They’re more serious than having a crush, but not so serious as the act of being in love. You have a connection with this person – but it hasn’t gotten to the point where you’re having to factor them into your decisions.

It’s a beautiful, very uncomplicated time… if you appreciate it for what it’s worth. If you don’t rush through it, trying to get to some mystical goal and you don’t hurry past those first rushes of companionship; if you let the flashbacks of him moving the hair out of your face not get complicated by thoughts of where is this going… it can be a really beautiful thing.

I’m trying to do that now – see the beauty of being in-like. Won’t you join me. Tell me – what are some things you think can be added to the benefits of being in-like?