Breaking Bad Habits

“This can’t go on now. I gotta move on now… But I gotta break this bad habit. Can’t take this bad habit no more.” ~ Bad Habit, Kelly Rowland

A little while ago, C Murder ran across the blog of a woman chronicling her hair horror stories. This wouldn’t be anything too new, except the lady actually went through and showed her pattern of damage she put her hair through every 3 or so years. It would go something like this: Healthy hair, decides to do something different and colors hair, continues changing colors, relaxes hair on top of color, hair damaged. She would receive the shock of the damaging hair, stop all crazy things she was doing to her hair to get it back healthy again, and 2 years later forget what she learned and start the process of damaging her hair all over again.

It was at least 20 times that this woman went through this process before she ever considered to herself, Self – you may have bad hair habits. Once she recognized this, however, she went about trying to correct those habits. But as you can imagine, if you do something long enough (and I think 20 bad experiences qualifies), its not as easy as you would think to stop it.

We do the same thing in our dating lives. We develop these horrible habits, don’t realize we’re doing it because we’re in the moment, and all the while, we’re making the exact same mistakes over and over in different ways. Like this lady, we make superficial changes and think we’re doing something. So she stops coloring her hair a different color every month, but doesn’t pick up the good practices that will keep it healthy. And the next thing you know, she’s looking up, wondering why she has split ends all over the place.

In that same manner, we do things like date someone who on the surface seems like a completely different person from the guy we were dating before, but couldn’t be more similar. Oh, the last guy was a doctor? Hmph… Well that’s it – no more doctors for me. Instead, I’ll date this nice teacher over here. That’s definitely different, right? Right?

I want you to notice that I’ve said “we” throughout this entire post because I’m no different. I certainly have bad dating practices, and while I’m a reflective person and you would think I would catch these things ahead of time… I often find myself just like the hair lady… looking up wondering what the hell happened here?!

So what do you do to break those bad habits? I suppose recognizing them earlier is one key… but gosh, it can be quite frustrating to think you’re doing things differently only to look up and notice it’s the same thing it’s always been, right? And at the end of the day, whether it’s too much color or too much relaxer or too much heat applied to her hair – this lady always came back to the same conclusion. It’s damaged.

Damaged, damaged, damaged, damaged. I thought that I should let you know. That my heart is damaged, damaged, so damaged, so damaged. And you can blame the one before. ~ Damaged, Danity Kane

So do you go to your friends and ask them to tell you honestly what they think your bad dating habits are? That could get a bit intense. Maybe you do like the hair lady did and sit down to make a list of all the men you’ve ever dated and look for patterns. I’m sure they will be there. The question is how easy is it to correct those habits once you realize what they are?

Ways to know you’re Over him…

By now, if this isn’t your first time reading this blog, you know that there are times when I reference past relationships when discussing relationshipal topics (yep, just made that word up). Heck, sometimes I may just devote an entire post to someone, like this or this or this… you get the point. But most of these people have had a pretty short shelf life (on the blog and in real life), except for two names that regularly come up on the blog and in real life. Jake and Cosby. Yeah, you know ’em well lol.

Part of the reason I’ve grown OK with discussing the fact that it’s taken me far longer than I would prefer to remove both names from my life is that I know most people have been there. And if we can’t discuss how absolutely annoying it is to want to be over someone and not quite be there amongst reading family, then when can we? Right?

But the kicker is, and what we haven’t really quite covered here, is the absolute JOY when you realize, “hey, I just might be over this sucka!” Now, let me say right here that this is the perfect time to fall into a trap with a guy such as Jake or Cosby or whoever your guy may be for you (ahem, WDC). It’s reeaaaal easy to think you’re over someone, see them again (say at a platinum wedding on Valentine’s Day in a nice tuxedo) and all of a sudden, be RIGHT back where you were before. Clearly I’ve been there and clearly, I wasn’t as over either of them as I thought. As an aside, if you have to rename someone in your mobile phonebook “SERIOUSLY, DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE” and you STILL the answer the phone, pretty good clue you’re not quite over them yet lol.

So how do you know when you actually are? Well, I’m sure there aren’t a lot of concrete reasons, but recently, I saw both my guys in different capacities and both situations showed me just how much I’ve managed to move on. Without getting into specifics, I can definitely pinpoint some ways to know that you’re over him now. Let’s go for a ride, shall we?

1. When you get drunk, you have no inclination to call him, text him, ping him, email him, Facebook him, or drunkenly tell your friends how much you love him and he’s your “solemate.” This also means that you have no inclination to “check and see” what he’s doing on Facebook or Twitter, especially when you don’t have a Twitter account. Just sayin…

2. Those feelings don’t come flooding back to you when you see him again – even if it’s been a long time since you’ve seen him. We all know how the memories can come into your head when you see someone you’re still in like/in love with. You’re walking down the street and they turn around and BAMN, they smile at you and all of a sudden, you’re all giddy and googly-eyed like this person wasn’t the same one you were just talking shit to your friends about…But when it’s over – it’s not even a concern… you see him, acknowledge him, and keep it moving.

3. That chemistry you two used to have? You know the one that made folks so uncomfortable because they felt like they were in your boudoir? It’s completely and utterly gone.

4. You can hug him (to keep up appearances since everyone else hugged him) and not feel some type of way. It’s also a pretty clear sign when you can talk about or to that person without disgust forming on your face lol, because disgust still means you care, which leads me to…

5. Last but not least, any anger or disgust that you had for him has turned into something more disengaged. Someone wise used to say that hate is just another version of love. It sounds crazy when you first hear it, but when you think about it. It actually makes sense. In order for you to hate someone, you have to feel passionately enough about them to incite that type of reaction. The opposite of love is actually indifference. If you get to the point where you are indifferent to that person… you’re definitely over him/her.

Did I miss anything, dear readers? And what are some times when you knew you’d finally gotten over someone?

The Trials of the Hopelessly Pessimistic Romantic

Sometimes I think my romantic ideals are what make me such a pessimist when it comes to relationships.

Let me explain – before you go immediately thinking I’m crazy. Typically, you have the people who are either hopelessly romantic or hopelessly pessimistic. They either have crazy knight-in-shining armor fantasies or they believe that love is a physiological fallacy caused by some DNA wiring or whatever. (Not sure if that actually makes sense to all the science people out there, but that’s how it reads to me when I see pessimists attempt to dispense their wisdom on wax.)

For me, though, strangely I don’t have either and yet I also kind of fall into both. What I think happens is that I’ve listened to so many guy friends and male family members who love to talk about the logicality of men (pretty sure I totally made that word up). You know the things they say? There’s no such thing as being too busy; if a man is really interested in you – he’ll make it work. Let a man show you whether he likes you through his actions: has it been a week since you heard from him? Pretty much means you’re not a priority and should move on. Guys know early on what category you’ll probably end up in: friend, ms. Right now, or ms. Maybe she could be something. Exceptions happen, but don’t assume you’re the exception.

And somewhere along the line, I’ve heard these things so many times, I believe them. Seriously. I believe them wholeheartedly…

Until I meet a guy who captures my entire attention. Entire is the key point here because for me that’s a rare occasion. There are guys I tend to be attracted to and then once I get to know them, eh – not so much anymore. Then there are guys who are cool enough, but don’t make me think about them when I’m not around them. And of course you have the ones who don’t get your attention at all. So once it does happen, when a guy gets my full attention, even though I know those other things, I find myself falling right into the traps of stereotypical girldom. And I mean really stereotypical girldom – things like seeing if his last name matches my first name and getting all giggly when I see his name pop up on my phone, in my email, Facebook, whatever. Hey – don’t judge.

And what happens is that my writer and reader and lover of romantic comedies brain starts taking the great conversation me and the guy had and making it more than it probably ever meant. I revert right back to those hopeless romantic ideals of laughing and having more great conversations with him and soon enough, I’ve created a situation in my head that the guy’s actual actions can never live up to. And when they don’t (because reality can never live up to fantasy), the pessimist comes out and I’m instantly disappointed.

What should happen before the disappointment is a nice firm reality check, sometimes provided by those same male friends and family members of before or (gasp) maybe even by the woman (me). “So what that you felt like you knew him forever on that date. If he hasn’t made concrete plans with you for a second one and its been 2 weeks – you should know that that situation isn’t going anywhere.” <— Yes, that kind of reality check.

What I actually do at this point, instead of what I should do, is say the logical thing in my head, but all the while secretly hope that I’m wrong in my heart.

What kind of fuckery is that?

Am I the only one who does this craziness?

More importantly, what’s the best way to not end up in that situation. I’ve tried what I thought was the alternative (not getting too excited out about anything prematurely) and found that it made me cold and turned me into a woman who didn’t enjoy the exciting things that come with possibility. Where’s the fun in that? I mean – who doesn’t like getting a smile on their face because the guy they like wants to see them? And what’s a greater simple dating joy than realizing the person you wanted to call is the one that actually did?

What say you, readers? Any advice for a hopelessly pessimistic romantic – or am I destined to continue the cycle of excitement and disappointment which eventually leads to the feeling of eh? Maybe I’ll go back to my wait and see approach – falling from cloud 2.5 is a lot easier than falling from cloud 250.

Blonde Moments

I’ve been really loopy and absentminded lately. REALLY loopy and absentminded. For the past month – I’m not joking guys. Things that  I would normally have no problem with, I’m forgetting 20 seconds later. My mom calls, I’m busy so I say I’ll call her right back and 2 days later, I realize – oh shit! I never called my mom back… And this is on accident, not on purpose lol

I’ve been spelling simple things wrong like ‘I have know idea…’ Yes, I actually wrote that to someone. ME!! I’m a full fledged member of the grammar police and if something doesn’t get fixed soon – they’re going to take my badge from me. These people are mean. Trust me, they’ll really do it.

I even had dinner with 2 of my very naturally blonde friends the other day and literally said to them, “Please don’t mind me. I’ve been having a lot of blonde moments lately.” Ummm who does that?! Good thing they both have a great sense of humor, because it would have been in their rights to punch me in the shin – not the face, it wasn’t that serious lol

But these are only a few examples out of over a month of loopiness, forgetfulness, and GASP possibly even some flakiness. And its really been starting to get to me. I mean, yes I’ll be 27 in like a month 1/2 (EEK!) but that’s not like ‘lose your f-ing brain’ old. So it’s not old age.

Well, the other day, Mandy Pants suggested this theory – “I think I know what the problem is, but you’re not going to like it,” she said. By the by, you should never ever ever start off a conversation like that with one of your friends. That’s what you call torture.

“Okay,” I said. “I can handle it, what do you think the problem is?”

“What did you give up a little over a month ago for Lent,” she asked.

“Ummm a couple things.”

“Right, but what could make a person start to lose their mind?”

GASP – sex!

I looked at her at first with one of those looks that said ‘girl, you are crazy’ but she stood her ground and gave me the ‘I’m so serious’ look and I think I may have caved. What if she’s right, I thought? How crazy would that be?

I mean, I’ve read the reports that talk about how consistent sex can be beneficial to your health and your mindset, but I’d never read anything that spoke to the opposite. But one might conclude that if A=B, B would necessarily equal A, and she just might be right. And if she is, what the hell does that mean for me? I’m not going to be okay until I get some good nook?!? REALLY?

What do you guys think? Could she be right or is my mind just playing tricks on me? da da da da da….

Steve Madden: Lost and Found

Okay, so for some reason these shoes look white in the picture, but they’re not… they are Grey. And sooooo cute! I saw them like a month or so ago at this Christmas Party I went to with Diamond Princess and S Curl. As soon as I saw them, I was like… oh I’ve got to have those. So I asked the lady where she got them from… “Steve Madden,” she says. Great. So I look up Steve Madden a couple days later… no shoes! Aghhhhhhhhhhh, what was I going to do? I needed those shoes…

Well, dear readers… the shoes have been FOUND. At Marshalls, of all places… and for only $30!!!!!! They come in grey and red patent leather AND the insole has a little padding!!! 3 1/2 inch sole, but for those who dont think they can walk in a heel with a lot of height, the thickness of the heel should make it a little easier. If you dont have a Marshalls around you, you can also find the Steve Madden IMPEREALs on Zappos, but they’re selling them for $89.

I’m not a playa, I just CRUSH a lot…

“How can one be down?
Tell me where to start
Cause every time you smile
I feel tremors in my heart
I have but one concern
How can I get with you?
Till my day comes here’s what I’m gonna do

Be sittin up in my room
Back here thinking ’bout you
I must confess I’m a mess for you
Be sittin up in my room
Back here thinking ’bout you
I’m just a mess with a thang for you”

 

How important is the crush? Well, I know that the idea of this person becomes less appealing as we get older, but I think he or she could quite possibly be one of the most important people in one’s life.

Think back to the last time you had a crush on someone. I’ll give some of you old fogies some time……………………………. Okay, you got that memory in your mind? How did you feel when you had your crush? Were you silly like me, wanting to make sure everything you did, said and wore were damn near perfect so he’d have to notice you? Did your heart flutter and stomach turn whenever he smiled at you and said hey? Were you writing your first name with his last name to see how it looked and sounded? (Yes, guys… We really do do that! Lol)

Or were those all just me? Nah, couldn’t be. I know, I just know that person had you sprung. Had you walking around humming shit like, Brandy and LL Cool J’s Crush on you.

And then one day, someone told you that you were too old to have a crush. Or told you some craziness like crushes are called crushes because they crush your heart when it doesn’t work out… And you stopped. You forgot about the good things that went with having a crush on someone. The sweet innocence involved in liking someone so much that didn’t necessarily have anything much to do with sex. You forgot how it brought a smile to your face when you saw that person walking around or how you damn near glowed when your friends would tease you about him or her.

Well, I’m here to tell you: STOP THAT. You’re never too old to have a crush because crushes are the most innocent category of guy there is and if you’ve lost the ability to have one, I think that’s kinda sad. So the next time you see that cutie in the office, instead of just saying “he could get it,” why don’t you say what you really mean but are too afraid to admit. I have a crush on him/her. It’s therapeutic… I promise.

This post is dedicated to all of my past crushes, especially “sigh- mi helado” (and yes, it was ALWAYS pronounced with the sigh before the phrase lol) who turned into Jon Jon and “the touch, the feel of Cotton”: my first junior high crush who I later went a few dates with only to find out he was better as a crush.

But here’s the great thing: there’s nothing wrong with finding out someone is best as a crush. That’s all some people are meant to be… and sometimes that’s all you need.

How Will I Know…

How will I know
(Don’t trust the feeling)
How will I know…
How will I know if he’s thinking of me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you cuz you know about these things

Whitney Houston asked that longstanding question in the 80s, but she hasn’t been the only to one sing about the dilemna. Before her, they sang that “it was in his kiss” that you would be able to tell if a guy liked you, and since the 80s, there’ve been numerous articles written in women’s magazines everywhere.

I mean really, take a look one day and you’ll notice that the question is probably mentioned in every women’s magazine on the newsstand every single month. From Cosmo to Seventeen, there’s never a shortage of places claiming they know juuuust the trick to tell if a guy likes you. And yet, if you talked to any of my guy friends, they’d tell you its pretty easy and simple.

Well how can this be? If something is so easy and simple to understand, why have women spent decades trying to understand it and come up short? Is it because we spend too much time making excuses for the guys who really don’t like us that we can’t tell when a guy really does? Is it as simple as saying women and men just typically don’t understand each other and that’s why what one sees as simple, the other sees as complex?

OR is it that there really is no set way to know? I know I’ve fallen victim to using the most rigid telltale signs given by my guy friends before, only to find out that I never even gave the guy a chance. So what do yall think? Is there really a set way to know if he likes you???

Here are some I’ve heard in my couple decades on this earth:

– it’s in his kiss. Made famous by the song, but clearly you can see how this could be a flawed approach in sooooo many ways now.

– body language: a guy will let you know by doing certain things like positioning his body completely towards you in a fully open manner, or keeping his eyes on you when talking to a group of friends, or inadvertently having body parts pointed towards you (not that, nasty!) such as his elbow or knee or foot.

– if he likes you, he will call you every chance he gets and try to see you as often as possible/ you make time for what you want to make time for and this is showing he wants to make time for you in his life (my guy friends)

Eh, I don’t know. Lol… Maybe we should stick with “he likes me, he likes me not.” That’s simpler than any of the rest of those lol

Top 10 things that DRIVE me cuh-razy (in a good way)

 

1. When a guy can pick me uo without any struggle. ie: I had a guy who once picked me up (out of nowhere. didnt see it coming), sat me down on the kitchen counter and kissed me all in one fell swoop. Sigh, how dreamy is that?! No. Really.

2. The forehead kiss: I know, I know. it’s endearing, it’s intimate, it’s kinda cliche after The Best Man movie, but the intimacy involved in it is what makes it so sexy to me! That and the fact that I start wanting him to make his way down…

3. Lightly rubbing my spot: I won’t reveal where that is on here, but it’s not a nasty place (so go ahead and get your mind out of the gutta), but the rub of it is like a combo of relaxing, thrilling, and intensity. It’s the triple threat!

4. Playing in my hair: This can be in many different ways; the endearing rub/stroke of the hair as I lay my head on you, the cute and fun feeling of a guy thinking he can do your hair, and the grab of the hair (use your imagination.)

5. The walk up behind me thing: Don’t really have a name for it, but every girl knows exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s that he comes behind you and wraps his arms around your waist or kisses you on your neck like the Erykah Badu song, but whatever he does… I’m probably going to melt. Instantly.

6. Engage in something small and slight to others in a crowded room of people, but letting me know your thinking of me or jonesing for me: Long one, right? But it’s so simple(I just couldnt think of a simple name for it lol)… some examples are a passionate look we may share that reads I want you NOW or a quick grab of the hand as we walk past each other.

7. The lean in/over: something about it is just so enticing… maybe its the feeling that you’re blocking everyone else out of our space right now… Like, it’s just me and you baby, me and you lol

8. Whispering in my ear: Whew!!! I dont know what it is about that, but I like it… what can I say? But your breath can’t stink obviously.

9. Kissing: I spoke about the forehead kiss earlier because it warranted its own number, but kissing in general us a turn on. It’s also an indicator of how anything else physical may turn out. I firmly believe that if we can’t connect when kissing, we won’t connect in any other way… You could say it’s the window to your….. chemistry soul???

10. The NOOK: Lying in his nook… for me, there’s probably no better place to be than in the nook. It’s comforting, it’s intimate, it’s sexy, and it makes you feel safe (AND it tends to incorporate many of the other nine with it). I mean, what else can give you all those things in one?!?!?!?!!?

Look at that, I made it to 10 without mentioning the watermelon… oop, guess I didnt, since I just mentioned it. whatever. It should be here too lol