On How Your Body Heat Affects Your View of #theCuddles

11 12 2013

My friends and I tend to come up with a lot of theories on various topics. We’re not conspiracy folks or anything like that, but we do seek to find some sense of meaning in the random happenings in the world. This probably just proves how much we’re all control freaks, but whatevs — some of our theories are pretty great. And even when they’re not, we still believe them.

Case in point, one friend believes that the reason Checkers and Rally’s are the same company with different names is because 2 brothers split off from each other at one point. She didn’t read this anywhere, but she regularly says it like she knows it’s fact. It’s actually quite hilarious to watch her give the explanation and have folks believe her as if she actually researched the company.

Well, anyway, we recently we came up with another of our brilliant theories after I admitted that while cuddling with SGWMMS for the first time a couple months ago, I went through a good twenty minutes of torture that played out in my head like this — “Ohhh, this is nice! But I’m so hot. But damn it, this is nice. But I’m so HOT! But sigh, I like being wrapped up in him. SH*T, now I’m sweating. Dear God – help me!” Eventually, I just settled into “this feels nice, mmmm,” but it took a lot longer than you might expect.¹ And because I wasn’t the only person who ran hot who had this problem, thus began out two-part theory on cuddling and running hot or cold.

Part 1 — If you run hot, cuddling is a bigger deal for you than if you run cold because you are literally inconveniencing yourself to be wrapped in this person’s arms.

You see, we noticed that when talking about our different beliefs in #thecuddles, those who ran hot (as in your body is naturally warm and you like to keep your place a little on the cooler side — ie ME!) were a little less enthusiastic about cuddling. We saw it as something more intimate than the ones who ran cold. The coldies (ha!) just typically saw cuddling as something nice to do, but not necessarily the holy grail of intimacy.

This makes a bit of sense physiologically, because in order for you to enjoy something that physically makes you uncomfortable, you probably have to have a certain level of intimacy with the person you’re cuddling. Folks who run cold just kind of tended to think of the other person as an extension to their damn blanket.

Part 2 — Most people will be drawn to date/sex/cuddle with someone whose body temperature runs opposite of their own.

Through our non-scientific research, we determined that most people ended up dating/sexing/cuddling with someone whose body temperature ran opposite of them. This would explain why I, a person who runs hot, always manages to date men who run cold and love to cuddle; while my girl who runs cold and actually wants to cuddle all the time manages to be with men who run hot and see it as a bit of a physical burden.

So crazy, right? But how trippy would it be if our two-part theory is true? They do have those beds that are made for couples with different body temperatures for a reason.

Anyway, this is where you all come in. We need more people to join our non-scientific test, so we’re not just running around spouting the theory like the Checkers/Rally’s one without something to back it up. Do you find it to be true that you date/sex/cuddle with people whose body temperature normally run opposite to your body temperature? And do you match up with our theory about running hot and cold and your desire to cuddle?

Let me know. I’m so curious to find out the answers.

1 In a twisted turn of events, I actually really do enjoy cuddling with dude, but I had to train my body to not get overheated when we do so. It also doesn’t hurt if it’s a cooler night.


Why #theCuddles in the Morning is the Ultimate Set-up

16 09 2013
morning cuddles

He knows what he REALLY wants to be doing here…

The other day, my friends and I were randomly discussing #thecuddles when one of the guys mentioned that he really enjoyed doing so in the morning.

Immediately, most of the women at the table began scrunching their faces and shaking their heads no. One girl even said something like, “I don’t even really think there’s such a thing as morning cuddles. It’s all an illusion.” To be clear, it wasn’t that we were all of a sudden vehemently opposed to cuddling at a specific time of the day; it was that most of us knew the real deal — it’s the ultimate gateway drug!

Now y’all know about my love/hate relationship with cuddling and you’ve seen how my thoughts on cuddling have evolved over the years, but I was actually surprised to see that I wasn’t alone in believing that the morning cuddles was a complete set-up. Why, you ask? Well, because put quite simply… everyone who’s ever been involved in the morning cuddles knows it’s equivalent to sliding a piece of fried chicken under a man’s nose when he hasn’t had any meat in over a month.

You know how it goes. You wake up in the morning and before you can roll over or get out of bed to brush your teeth, you notice that your boo has wrapped his arms around you, scooched up very close behind you, conveniently cupped your butt near his package, and is kissing you on your neck and whispering “good morning babe” in your ear. For a split second, you may lay there, basking in this cuddle glory, loving the fact that your dude loves him some you. But all it takes is that one “poke” and a well-timed wiggle of the booty, and you know damn well it’ll be on like donkey kong. Or as one girl said, “sweatpants don’t have any power against the penis.”

Anyway, while no one (well, most sane people) has any qualms with a little morning sex, it just seemed a bit disingenuous to us ladies in the conversation for folks to act like they wanted to cuddle when all they really wanted to do was use cuddling as foreplay. Because let’s be real here – if you can lay there, practically naked, entwined around your boo-thang, and not want to do other things, well – you’re a better person than I am.

Now, if you want morning sex, that’s perfectly fine. I will never be the person to say morning nookie is a bad thing. But using cuddling as a way to broach it? Not okay. Just kindly start using your lips for things other than talking, and I’m pretty sure any man or woman who spent the night with you in your bed will follow suit.

What do you all think? Are morning cuddles always a set-up for something more or have you actually had the occasion where you and your boo lay there together and nothing went down?

If I Lay Here…

29 07 2013
Photo Credit:  Sunny Day Snuggling by pettyartist via http://pettyartist.deviantart.com

Photo Credit: Sunny Day Snuggling by pettyartist via http://pettyartist.deviantart.com

“If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” – Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

There’s so many things to love about being single. You don’t really have to answer to anyone. You can flirt endlessly without feeling guilty. You can come home at 5am and not wonder if your significant other is displeased. You can meet and date several people at one time if you please or you can just lead your life doing whatever the heck you want.

In a life full of choices, if you’re single (with no kids), the only person whose life your choices really directly effect is you.

It’s great!

It’s simple.

It’s freeing.


When you want to lay with someone and just forget the world, yea that’s not really an option.

Now, maybe this is just me. I’m willing to admit that possibility. But sometimes, in those quiet moments, after I’ve come home from all the parties or happy hours, after I’ve flirted with all the boys (and had my milkshake bring them to the yard), sometimes I just want to come home and lay in someone’s arms and lose myself in that moment.

Truthfully, it’s a feeling I’d forgotten for the past few months actually. But I remembered it when I re-heard Chasing Cars recently, a song that was once synonymous with one of my favorite shows ever. I hadn’t heard it in awhile and hadn’t felt the feelings it describes in awhile, but as soon as I listened – it hit me.

There’s something so comforting about being able to lay in someone’s arms and forget about your troubles, your obligations, your ambitions, your everything. To just be in that moment, without a care in the world. To trust him so much that you’re willing to let all your cares be put to the side just because you’re with him. I think I’d forgotten just how important that simple act can be in someone’s life because my girls and I have been having so much fun lately. We’ve been living the life, partying it up, and having a great effin time being 30.

It’s been fun.

It’s been simple.

It’s been great.

It’s been filled with all kinds of perks.

But being able to let down your guard with one person, have them envelope you, rub your hair, and lay with you in simple silence just isn’t one of them.

#theCuddles Part 2 – Really, People???

24 06 2013
Photo Credit: marchtomastery.com

Photo Credit: marchtomastery.com

(Some) People will do anything to keep from feeling lonely.

This past weekend I learned that this includes paying someone to come over and cuddle with them. Like, literally – paying to have a stranger come to your home and wrap her arms around you for a specified portion of time. What part of the game is that, y’all?

Now, you may remember that I have a love-hate relationship with cuddling. But despite the fact that I typically ran away from even the thought of cuddling with someone I didn’t have strong feelings for, I have recently begun to have a bit of a change of heart on the matter. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped running from a lot of my feelings within the past year or so, but the truth is (and get ready for a shocker) – I actually really enjoy cuddling.

I think it can be something really amazing between two people. It’s relaxing. It has restorative power after a long day of work. Heck, it can even be quite sexy if done with the right person.

But y’all – you will never get me to change my belief that it’s still intimate as all hell. I know that may not be the case for everyone, but it is for me.¹ To me, there is something uniquely intimate about allowing someone to wrap his or her arms around you or lay on your chest, breathing your breaths, falling into synch with your cadence of inhale and exhale. And while I have somewhat relaxed my standards on who I cuddle with nowadays, there’s no way I can condone paying for a stranger to come to your home and perform this intimate as hell act with you.

The company that provides the service speaks highly about the “simple restorative pleasure of touch” and even uses this lovely line –> “Though science has unquestionably supported the psychological and physical benefits of non-sexual touch, Americans distinctly lack it.” when seeking to make its case for the okay-ness of the service.

But for real, y’all? It’s just not. I can understand how they get clients though, because cuddling can be really enjoyable. And they are right about the healing powers of touch. In fact, I just learned that a hospital in Kentucky gets volunteers to come and hold many of the premature babies throughout the day, because doctors have found that it helps them heal faster when they have a human connection holding them and rocking them throughout the day. But… but, those babies are not grown-ups with options to actually meet people and create real life intimate partnerships.

I mean, is this what we’ve come to as a generation? We’re so hard up to experience intimacy with people that folks are really out here paying to fake it? I know there’s been lots of talk out lately about how we seem to have lost a lot of the human connections with people, because we spend so much time on our computers, on social media, on the phone, watching TV, etc… but there just has to be a better way than this.


1 For example, some people may think that kissing is a more intimate act.

#theCuddles – Have I… CHANGED?

9 11 2012

Photo: licentiouss.tumblr.com

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, then you pretty much know that for the longest time I’ve repelled at even the thought of cuddling. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, but more that I liked it too much; and therefore, I didn’t want to share something so intimate with most of the men I was dating/chexing (we won’t get into that being a reflection of those relationships).

I even, famously amongst my friends, threw a guy off me in the middle of the night because he’d called himself cuddling without my expressed permission, and I’d started having the worst panic attack EVER. Like sweating, body on fire, heart racing, “you have GOT to get your arms from around me immediately or I might throw-up” type of panic attack. I think the cuddling lasted for about 30 minutes before the panic attack happened, and that whole 30 minutes felt like pure torture. You can imagine that didn’t go over well.

Well, folks… I think something has, I don’t know, changed. You see, for some reason, I’m not as staunchly opposed to it as I was before. I still think it can be intimate as all hell, but I think maybe I’m not as afraid of that intimacy as I once was? I don’t know what the reason is though, honestly.

What I do know is that the last guy I dated (for more than one date) was someone who I wasn’t necessarily completely and wholeheartedly into. That sounds horrible, I know. Don’t judge me. But even with that, we cuddled all the time! And we were together for like 5 months. That’s a lot of freakin’ cuddling! You would think he would have gotten the same treatment as the panic attack guy – but no! He went in for #thecuddles, and amazingly, I didn’t recoil.

Even before him, one winter night last year, I found myself drunkenly nestling with this other guy for like, a good period of time. Sure, I tried to make excuses, like – “he was just trying to keep me warm” or “nestling is not cuddling.” But, let’s be real – nestling is cuddling’s first cousin. They’re not all that different, and they look a whole helluva lot alike. Anyway, while I was definitely attracted to this guy, we weren’t even dating, and I nestled in his arms. Talk about a huge difference in my perspective.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Most recently, there was an incident during the storm that really lead me to start thinking that maybe my position on #thecuddles had changed. There I was, hanging with my sis and her bffs (we were storm buddies, hunkering down, watching TV, preparing for the worst but praying for the best) and texting with a guy I’d met recently. The texting wasn’t the problem. The problem was that at one point, he jokingly said he wished he could be with me and that storms (not hurricanes, obviously) were perfect cuddling weather. Did I set him straight that that word shouldn’t even be uttered right now when we have yet to go on a 1st date? I didn’t. Did I mention to him that cuddling with someone who’s not my man makes my stomach curl? Again, nope, I didn’t. All I said was, ‘you’re right. It definitely can be.’ And then….. I added a winky face emoticon.


I’ve lost my juju, ladies and gentlemen. It’s completely gone.

Now, I don’t think I’m just going to magically start cuddling with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but I do wonder what it means that I’ve softened my standards on it. There was a time (post college dating) when the only men I willingly cuddled with were Jake and Cosby. Now, I’m talking about the prospect with a man who I’ve seen in person once. Something just feels off about that.

Any theories folks? Am I losing my mind or is this a good thing? Also, is there anything that you were once strongly opposed to but now see in a different light? Let’s discuss. I may need your help getting through this one.

PS: Four more years! #FORWARD #YESSSSS #HowardWave <— Can you tell I’m still happy?!?!?!

Is Your Cuddling Style a Physical Preference or Something Deeper?

26 10 2011

The other day, C – Murder and I were having a conversation about cuddling. No, not about how I feel about cuddling. Everyone pretty much knows that by now… I think. No, we were talking about the different cuddling styles and what they say about the men who use them.

I mean, let’s face it – most men have a cuddling preference, whether they admit it to their boys or not. For instance, I’ve dated guys who strictly implore the front to front cuddle. While others have liked the ever popular spoon position. And even with those folks who like to switch it up every once in a while – chances are if you sat down and thought about it, there’s one way they tend to use more than the others.

So why is this?

Is it simply a matter of preference for what portion of your mate’s body you’d like pressed against yours or is it something deeper? I tend to think that while we may believe it’s the former, it’s probably the latter (as is most things in life). But I could be wrong. For example, I dated this one guy who took the spooning position to another level. He not only would wrap his arms around me (tightly), but he liked to intertwine his legs, feet, and hands with mine as well.  We were so tightly wrapped together that if someone were to look at us in this position, there couldn’t possibly have been any part of our bodies not joined together.

At the time, I thought that was special to me and to us. I mean, my feet were always cold and his were always warm, so that was kismet – right? (gag here…) BUT now when I think about it, chances are that was just his thing. He liked to intertwine – probably with all the ladies he was with. So it’s possible that was just his physical preference.

On the opposite end of that spectrum, there’s the lazy cuddler. Now, y‘all know I don’t go around cuddling with just anyone, so the lazy cuddler annoys me to no end. You know who he is. The guy who lays on his back, places you to his side, facing him with his arm outstretched and barely puts his hand on your shoulder.

What, sir?!?!

For all this we could just sleep on separate sides of the bed, buddy! I definitely don’t need or want your pity cuddle. Heck, I probably didn’t want to cuddle either. (Sorry for the rant.)

Anyway, between the lazy cuddler and the extra cuddler, we can see that men have some form of preferences. But we still haven’t solved whether it’s purely physical or indicative of their feelings for the person they’re cuddling. Cosmo says it’s the latter in their web article entitled “What His Cuddling Body Language Reveals.” Here are a few excerpts:

He pulls you onto his chest: While this dude may present himself as a tough guy, he’s really a big softie. “By bringing you close to his heart, he’s symbolically showing you that he’s attached,” explains communication expert Audrey Nelson, PhD, author of You Don’t Say. “Holding you against a masculine part of his body — his chest — is also his way of letting you know he can protect you.”


He spoons you: “He’s a really physical person who enjoys the feeling of your form against his, and he may have a high sex drive as well,” says Nelson. “But while he truly enjoys the contact of cuddling, he might not be as comfortable expressing himself emotionally.” Expect him to show you his affection with his gestures and actions, rather than with words…

They continue to go through some of the more popular styles, analyzing what each one means through their series on body language. And a large part of me thinks they may be on to something here. Could it be that the spooner holds you so tight because he wants to express his feelings, but can’t? Or that the front to front cuddler (ie your head on his chest) is showing you his softer side while still trying to protect you? And it’s all happening unconsciously?

Maybe. Maybe not. What do you all think? Does a man’s cuddling preferences say more about him than even he realizes? And how come when I searched for input into this concept, Cosmo was one of the few places I saw admit that men like to cuddle? If you look at AskMen.com, they’d make you believe it was just the women, but I know for a fact that’s not true. Every guy I’ve ever slept with was a cuddler – whether I wanted to or not.

I Mean, if You’re Going to Cuddle…

24 01 2011

I’ve been pretty clear on my thoughts about cuddling on this blog; it’s not something that I prefer, mostly because I think it’s about as intimate of an activity as one can do. But just so we’re clear (because I think some people were beginning to think this), I’m not anti-cuddling. I’m anti-cuddling with people who I’m not emotionally attached to. I looooove cuddling when it’s with someone I really like or love… there’s a slight, but important difference there.

Either way, even I recognize that there are times and situations that call for a nice, good cuddle. When that happens, whether you’re doing something simple like watching TV or comforting someone after a long hard day at work or congratulating someone… you need to be versed in the different types of cuddling you can offer. And if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, wait – there’s different types of cuddling??; ummmm… well, just keep reading further.

Here are a few basic styles that are good to have in your repertoire:

The Spoon

This is probably one of the more popular ways to cuddle, and it can be done in different variations. Of course, there’s the typical form, in which the woman and man are curled up in the fetal position, with the man holding the woman from behind; but it can also be done with your legs extended and with the woman behind the man. To me, especially in it’s most typical version, this form of cuddling is very endearing, but can also be quite sexual. I’m sure most men can testify that when laying with their woman, with her backside in prime position, their thoughts are not always the most pure thoughts in the world. Added bonus: you get to play footsie in this position!

The Forward Embrace

This is actually a fan favorite of mine, in both variations. The first version is what you see in the picture above… two people sitting down, with one person’s legs wrapped around the other and they’re embracing each other. You can be fun and spunky in this position, laughing and joking around, but it can also be extremely sensual and passionate since you’re facing each other. You have the added bonus of being able to look into each others’ eyes; something you’re not able to do in the spooning position. The second version is almost like a variation of the spoon: you’re laying down and holding each other, but you’re facing each other. This one is extremely intimate and I would suggest that if you’re going to cuddle with someone you don’t have feelings for, you don’t pick this one to do. Actually, if you’re going to subject yourself to something like that – the spoon is the way to go. Trust me. I’ve been in a position where a guy hijacked a cuddle out of me, and I was so happy it was the spoon, because we weren’t facing each other and it was enough of a barrier so that I couldn’t feel him breathe… leading me to the next version.

The Breath Taker

Have you ever laid your head on a man’s chest and literally, you can feel his breaths becoming your breaths? Yeah – that’s why I call this one the Breath Taker, because in laying in this position, the person who’s laying on the other person’s chest tends to instinctively begin breathing just like the other person. I mean, how personal is that, right? I’ve taken on your breath cadence! You can’t just do that with everybody lol.

The Chair

Last but not least, there’s the chair. I can think of two different ways to be in the chair. The first of which is when you’re sitting between the guy’s legs with your back against his chest as if he’s your chair. In this position, you have the perfect opportunity to feel like you’re being enveloped because he should be able to wrap his arms completely around you. The other way is if you’re laying your head or your legs on his lap, again making him your chair. That position gives way to prime opportunities for rubbing, such as rubbing your hair (I’m a fan of a good hair rub when you’ve had a bad day.) or massaging your legs and feet.

Those are the ones I can think of today. Are there any others that I missed? And do you guys have a particular style that you’re more fond of than others? Share, why don’t you…