How Single Are You?

25 10 2013
Photo: girlsguideto.com

Photo: girlsguideto.com

Single. It’s an interesting concept for such a small word. And it can have so many different meanings when someone uses the word to describe him/herself. In fact, it really doesn’t tell you much besides that the person is not married. However, this same person could be single but dating multiple people; single but dating one person exclusively; single but screwing one or more people; single and desperately wanting to be married; single with absolutely no prospects; single but beginning a thing with someone… look — you get my point, there’s several variations available to this one word.

I didn’t really think about this too much until I was out with two of my girls earlier this year, and the topic of our current relationship statuses came up. Now, funny enough — the three of us at the time were all technically single, but represented different aspects of the word. One girl was engaged, another one single but entertaining someone that she didn’t really like all that much, and then there was me — smack dab in the midst of a flirtationship.

Anyway, at some point, my engaged friend asked us how our love lives were going because this was our chance to catch up with her since she usually resides in another country. Our responses? Basically that not much had changed since she came back in town the last time, and we were both still very much single. This declaration was followed by Engaged friend dropping several names on us and asking, “but what happened to them?” “Oh,” we both replied separately, “He’s still around, but…”

Now, how funny is that?! Two women who when asked right out about their dating situations completely ex-ed out the men who were definitely in the picture! Upon realizing this, SCurl (the other “real” single person at our table besides me) decided that no woman is ever 100% single. In fact, she noted that most of us were at least 25% not single (35% on the weekends). I countered that the same could be said for men as well, and that most people are rarely ever completely unattached to anyone. And yet… we were both quick to remind Engaged friend that those men who were still around didn’t change our single status.

So what does that mean when you meet someone and he or she says they are single? How do you know just how single they are? And more importantly, how do you determine your single status? Do you count the people who may be in your life, but you know have no long term future, towards this single title or is it more a reflection of if you’re in a relationship with someone?

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The Idea of Being Comfortable

15 10 2012

Photo: Timemanagementninja.com

About a month ago, I mentioned to you all that I’d had an ex contact me recently, wanting to get back together. After we’d gone through the awkwardness of me letting him know that I was not interested in the same, we both agreed that we could try the new awkwardness of being friends again.

Since that time, we’ve had several conversations about nothing and about everything all at the same time. And we’ve also had our fair share of what I like to call double meaning conversations. One such convo was brought up a couple weeks ago when we were talking about our careers and the different things we were striving towards.

He noted that I was doing some pretty great things right now. I casually replied that while I agreed, I was no where near accomplishing the numerous goals I have career-wise. And then he asked something that kinda hit me to my core – did I ever think I’d be comfortable with what I have?

It was a question about my career, but we both knew it wasn’t just a question about my career since he’d implied in previous conversations that my reluctance to be with him stemmed from me always wanting more. So the implication with this question was clear – did I ever plan to stop looking for more/better in a guy?

I’m sure that considering the post I wrote last week on creating a guy, many people (if they didn’t get that it was just for fun) would probably agree with him on my inability to stop looking for more. But the idea of being comfortable can be looked at in two different ways as far as I’m concerned. In one way, comfortable can mean content. Do you feel safe and happy with this guy? Does he make you feel like being vulnerable is okay, because he’s not going to take advantage of those vulnerabilities? Do you feel like you will ever get to the point that one man is enough for you? And to those questions – my answer would be a resounding yes! Of course, I want that. I think most people do, right?

But there’s another side to the word comfortable that I worry about sometimes. Sometimes I think comfortable can be synonymous with settling. With deciding that you don’t want to work anymore, so you’ll be comfortable with what you have. With figuring that this is the best things can be and so you’ll just take what’s in front of you. And in that idea of the word – I’m absolutely totally NOT okay with the idea of comfortable.

Weighing both aspects of the word and wanting to answer the explicit and implied question, I responded in the best way I knew how: that I’d never be to the point where I wasn’t striving for the best or reaching for things I’ve dreamed about since I was a kid, but that I did want to eventually get to a place where I was happy where I was and who I was with (even if that meant still growing in my craft and growing in my relationship). But that I wasn’t there on either aspect just yet.

He took my answer in stride and kind of chuckled it off, saying that he hoped I would one day be at the point where I wasn’t looking for more, and the conversation ended soon after. But days later, I was left still wondering about what my own definitions of comfortable signified for me. Was it my own hang-up that I felt like comfortable could sometimes be synonymous with settling or was that something that most people thought? And if it wasn’t, did most people agree with my first definition of the word?

So now I’m bringing it to you all. What do you think when you hear the word comfortable applied to careers or relationships? And do you feel like I do – that it can have a good or bad meaning depending on the context? Or is it that he’s right, and I have a hang-up on the word because I’m forever looking for more?





What a day yesterday was…

27 05 2009

I take–2 steps forward
I take–2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract
And you know–it ain’t fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
Cuz opposites attract

I remember this song by Paula Abdul like it was yesterday. And what’s mc skat catamazing is that as soon as the events of yesterday started pouring in, it was the first thing I thought of… on a day when women all over were celebrating (and hopefully more than just women, actually) because of President Obama’s nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, the day also became a day when the California courts upheld the Proposition 8 law brought up last fall that made gay marriage illegal in Cali.

2 steps forward… 2 steps back.

Now, I guess what I’m about to say will be seen as controversial, but really, we had the perfect chance today to show what supposedly makes America so great. It’s a country where a woman of Latino descent (who just happens to be a Yale and Princeton graduate, and oh yeah, is EXTREMELY qualified for the position) finally has the opportunity to serve on our Supreme Court. If confirmed, she will be only the third woman to serve on the Court. Great day indeed.

But today also showed how much our country still has to grow. Because while we may be a country that could have 2 women Supreme Court justices by the end of the year, we’re also a country that can’t seem to process the idea of 2 people of the same sex getting married. I won’t get into ideological beliefs on here, but it seems to me that when so many people are struggling to find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, when two people actually find that… maybe we shouldn’t take that from them?

I know, I know… marriage is a religious ceremony, right? And people are concerned that by letting 2 women or 2 men get married, we are desecrating the nature of marriage… but it’s funny how this same outrage is not given to shows like “Who wants to marry a millionare” and “Bachelor/Bachelorette,” shows predicated on the fact that you can marry someone without truly being in love with them as long as you can get a certain amount of fame and fortune for it.

I dont know, it just seems odd to me. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything we do here in America. We are definitely a complex nation… and one that for now believes, only opposites should attract.





Defining WORDS

2 12 2008

A couple years ago, one of my friends sent me an email defining 7 words/actions that women typically used. His reasoning behind the email: to see if I agreed with them, because he thought they were true and wanted emailto spread the word to other non-suspecting men friends who’d been burned by not knowing the deal.

When I read it, immediately I fell out laughing… because it was SO TRUE.

So guys, if you’ve never received this email before… here you go. I’m doing a little pay it forward… now, if you have some nice details into the male mind that you’d like to send my way as a gesture of your appreciation, I’d readily accept them lol.

Words/Actions Women Use:

FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

5-minutesFIVE MINUTES – If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in “Fine”

GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.

LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing” woman-thinking

THAT’S OKAY -This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Girls, what do you think? Are they true???





Yesterday

24 11 2008
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Have you ever had to do something that you don’t want to do… but you know you MUST do? I’m at that point right now…

I started this post a couple months ago, when I thought I needed to say goodbye to a certain person. Agapenin. Okay it was Jake, again. Yes, I said again and yes I get how you’re probably looking right now, so just stop.

Anyway, I stopped writing it (actually I got about as far as “right now” in the first sentence and stopped writing it), partly because I realized that the closure I sought wouldn’t come from writing the post and partly because I realized that closure was already there; I just had to acknowledge it. So I acknowledged it and moved on…

But then I came across this post again, right in the midst of dealing with some other things and realized/ remembered what I really needed to say goodbye to: my fears. I’d briefly cracked the surface of that earlier in the summer when CCB and I embarked on our heralded 9 things in 09 list and were getting numerous sermons hitting us with the same theme: let go of your fears.

But you know, its like the song says, it can be hard to say goodbye sometimes, even to something that’s bad because mostly… you’ve grown comfortable with it.

So this is now a new post. A post about the things I recognize I need to say goodbye to in my life. Maybe yours is a fear of getting chopped and screwed and maybe you can join me in evoking the powerful one-finger come hither move to help you with this fear… Or maybe its something entirely unrelated to shoes, heart-and-soulpolitics, or relationships; that’s ok! Still, you know, feel free to pour out your heart and soul in my comment section lol… Nah I’m playing (about the heart and soul part, not the commenting part.) It won’t be that hard.

So in no special order, I say goodbye to:
1. My fear that no man will ever live up to my expectations, thus finding myself perpetually in a state of disappointment…

2. My fear of showing my vulnerabilities to others…

3. My fear of commitment; I know that sounds strange, but it’s true lol

4. Being scared of lions, tigers, and bears… lol… no, really!

So what about y’all? What are some things you need to say goodbye to……





“I Won’t Settle…”

11 08 2008

 

I’ve heard this line many times from many of my friends. Sometimes it’s “I’m not settling for such and such” or “I refuse to settle,” or any other variation… but the general belief remains the same: said friend feels like by dating a particular person or type of person, they are dating below what they deserve.

 

Sometimes this is in reference to physical traits. We’ve all been there before. If you think you’re at least a 7 (regardless of if you really are or not), chances are you don’t necessarily want to date someone that you consider a 3.5 (regardless of if they think they are or not). Hence, the claim, “I won’t settle.”

 

Sometimes it’s in reference to personalities. Many a friend has proclaimed that they would not settle for someone who had no swag or didn’t command the room when he or she walked in… or even as simple as they wouldn’t settle for someone who didn’t make them laugh. Again, “I won’t settle.”

 

Often times, though, I’ve found that it’s about the situation. And I think it typically says more about us than it does about that person. I’ve found myself saying stuff like, “I’m not going to settle for what he can give me” or “I’m not settling for anything less than such and such.” In this case, I have drawn a line about some aspect that I consider a deal breaker. In either case though, that aspect has less to do with that person or more to do with me and what I expect in a relationship (and my thought process of whether or not he can live up to that expectation).

 

I have a friend who tells me all the time that she will not settle for someone who is less than 6 feet tall. Now, I agree that we should all have certain standards, but I also like to think that some things are less deal breakers than others and juuuust maybe, height might be one of those less important things. That’s usually what I tell her, in fact. But more and more I’m realizing, when you think about it, who am I to tell her what she should feel settling encompasses?

 

This brings up 2 issues: what is settling/ can it be defined without being too personal AND how do you know when you’re simply using it as an excuse to be too picky?

 

The first issue, I think, is a little easier to tackle. Once you decide for yourself what your deal breakers are in a relationship, anything less than that would by definition be settling. You can decide, whether said explicitly or not, that unless certain standards are met by a person, you will consider them insufficient for dating you. You might not get that many dates like that, but if quality is more important than quantity for you, then hey, that could probably work out. The tricky part becomes at what point do you decide, well this person has EVERYTHING else I say I want in a mate except for one thing, but I’m still going to take that chance on them.

 

Often though, probably too often, I think that we draw lines in the sand and never allow ourselves to look at the situation and make that determination before announcing that we’re “settling”. And I think this is when we have the problem with the 2nd issue… using the idea of settling as an excuse. You know the deal. Your friends start talking to you, telling you he or she is not good enough or you shouldn’t settle or maybe it’s not even your friends, and it’s you… but either way, you’re letting the idea of settling hinder any chances you have to find that person.

 

And really the only person you’re hurting is yourself. Which is kinda stupid… since the idea of not settling is an attempt to not hurt yourself. So what do you do? And how do you know if the settling you speak of is real or all in your head? Do you agree we use the idea as an excuse or is it a legitimate concept that needs to be taken seriously by all thinking of proceeding into a relationship? Thoughts?

 

Signed,

 

Someone who won’t settle for a cheater J





The T-word

4 08 2008

 

“I need someone who’s going to be there for me no matter what happens, someone who truly loves me… someone I can trust”. … Made of Honor (the movie)

 

Trust is one of those words that just kind of gets thrown around a lot. It’s sort of like love, in that no one can really explain why they do or don’t trust someone (you can give examples, but that’s not explaining); you just pretty much know when it’s there and when it isn’t.

 

It’s also a word that varies in importance for people. For me, trust is one of the MOST important things I need to be in any relationship with someone, friend or partner. It’s not something that I do easily, which is why if you know me, you know that it takes a while for me to say that I really trust someone. But in an instant, it can be taken away. The slightest infraction, whether it be that you said you would do something and didn’t come through or whatever, will probably cause me to look at you differently.

 

And that has nothing to do with forgiveness. I can forgive your infraction, but I may never really open myself to you in the same way ever again. Like I said, it’s really important to me.

 

Anyway, over the years, I’ve realized some very interesting things about trust and people. One thing I’ve realized is that trust in people varies… and sometimes that can be unfair to folks. For example, fair or not, I expect my really close friends to be there whenever I need them. I expect any man in a relationship with me to have a sense of reliability. Yet, for some of my friends, I have grown to trust that in fact, they won’t be there. I know I can’t go to them on matters that are really important to me, and for me, that affects the type of relationship we have. Yet, I still consider them friends. The opposite doesn’t work with men, for me. Once I have decided that I don’t trust you… all bets are off.

 

My pastor once did a sermon on “dying things that aren’t dead.” And while I won’t get into the specifics of that sermon, for me that dying thing was my lack of trust in people. I thought that taking time to myself, being by myself, and just all out using that time as reflection, I had gotten to the point where trust wouldn’t be so big of an issue. But I’ve learned in recent months… that’s not the case. It’s the reason I’ve lost friends and it’s the reason I’ve given up on relationships. Not so much because that person was necessarily untrustworthy or that they were a liar, but that for whatever reason, I didn’t trust them to be there for me like I would be for them. And it’s rare that you come back from that.

 

To me, trust is something that is almost interchangeable with love… for I can’t love you if I don’t trust you and if I can’t trust you, I don’t love you. They go together. And part of me thinks they always will… so in that case, what do you do? If trust for me is rare and I’m cautious with it, then that means I’m cautious with love… and everyone says that’s the complete opposite of what you should be with love, right?

 

What do you think? Is trust the end all be all for you? And if its not, then what is YOUR deal breaker?