Tips for My Future Husband — #20

6 11 2014
Photo: derrickjaxn.wordpress.com

Photo: derrickjaxn.wordpress.com

Get Silly with Me

Y’all remember that song, “Get Silly” from a few years ago? It was super catchy, had a fun dance, and we, of course, had no idea what they were talking about — but it was fun! So it was great.

Well, I heard it while out at a Halloween party last Friday night, and it gave me the perfect idea for my next tip for future hubby.

You see, I already talked about wanting him to laugh at my jokes, but I don’t want to just stop it there. I want us to have fun being silly with each other.

I actually found myself talking about this the other day with a bunch of girlfriends. We were out at a bar, and one of the girls wanted to know what we all thought was the most important thing in a relationship outside of trust (which is incidentally, my number 1). I said the ability to have fun with each other. But as I was describing it, and giving an example of what I meant, I realized that fun didn’t quite give the most clear description.

Why?

Well, I think you can have fun doing things like watching a movie or attending an art show or scrapbooking. But what I really meant is that I want the ability for me and my guy to enjoy those things, but also enjoy cutting the fool with each other while we’re doing them. I want that guy who’s going to be up laughing with me for hours and then when we try to figure out what the heck we were laughing about, we have no idea. I want that guy who I can lay in the bed with and just be goofy with without a care in the world. I want that guy that’s going to turn a music festival into a giggle festival. Who can keep me in stitches, not because he’s a class clown or something like that, but because we’ve cultivated a friendship that just oozes pure unadulterated fun.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are times and places for serious conversations and serious occasions. No one is trying to be silly at a funeral or something like that, right? But even at the stuffiest gala, wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re sitting next to someone who can quickly make a silly face at you (that only you can see) and then go back to proper decorum afterward? I think it would be.

In fact, I think it’s one of the biggest keys to keeping a relationship alive and thriving — just how much fun you can have with each other. And so I hope future hubby takes that into account. This future wife (me lol) just wants to spend as much time possible laughing and enjoying life (preferably with him by my side).

Advertisements




Tips for My Future Husband — #19

28 08 2014

Let’s travel together.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in Paris with some of my favorites, and while we were casually strolling down the street, eating crepes and drinking hot wine, I saw a couple in their wedding attire running down the street and kissing. It was in a very playful manner, and I believe they were taking wedding photos, but more importantly — it was the first time on the trip I’d seen an obvious couple doing obvious couple things. In fact, we’d been there for a few days at that point, but even though we were supposedly in the City of Love, it was the first time I’d noticed relationship love in the city.

Of course, from that point forward, every where I turned, I saw couples — doing couple things. Now, I wasn’t sure if those folks were making out in the plain of day on sidewalks and streets because they were so compelled by each other and the spirit of the city, they couldn’t control themselves, or if it was because they were in Paris, so they felt a need to make out in the plain of day on sidewalks and streets. Because you know — Paris.

Either way, even though it was a for a split second, seeing all those couples made me think about how it would be to experience Paris with my future boo. I quickly snapped out of it, because I mean, a) I was in Paris, and I was going to friggin’ enjoy that experience no matter who I was with; and b) I was with some of my favorites, so it wasn’t like I was lacking in the company department. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it crossed my mind. Or if I tried to say I hadn’t thought about it on other trips since then as well.

I know, I know — that’s not the feminist thing to say. I’m supposed to say something like, “I don’t need no man to travel with me!” And I don’t, and I’ve loved every single trip I’ve taken by myself and with my friends. And even when I’m married one day, I will still want to spend some time traveling on my own and/or with just my friends. But… I also want to add traveling with future hubby into the equation.

I used to feel bad about that desire. Like I was less than a woman for thinking of how that experience would be. For contemplating what we could learn from each other while out seeing the world (or even just another part of the East Coast lol). For thinking of how much fun we’d have. But I soon got over that feeling too. Maybe not as quickly as my feeling in Paris, but I eventually realized that beating myself up over something that’s a natural desire was just a waste of time. And I got further confirmation when I saw an article titled the 7 Benefits of Traveling Together as a Couple recently.

Well hot damn, I thought! I knew there was some good reasoning behind my desire.

And wouldn’t you know some of the first benefits they listed were things I’d thought of as good reasons to travel with your boo-thang anyway? Things like the fact that it causes you all to get to know each other even better, you’re able to make new memories together, and you find out how you work together as a team. Add all those things to the fact that I just genuinely love traveling and exploring different cities and cultures and would love to share that joy with my guy — and I just knew I had to add this one to the tips series.

So yea, I want us to travel together before we become Mr. and Mrs. D-Magic, and I’m okay with saying that now.

Heck, before we even think about becoming Mr. and Mrs, I want us to travel together. We don’t have to wait until we have rings to go out and have fun.





Tips for My Future Husband — #18

24 04 2014
Picture me and future hubby on the floor with our "vintage" records spread out on the floor like this... LOL Photo: http://www.menshealth.co.uk/

Picture me and future hubby on the floor with our “vintage” records spread out on the floor like this… LOL
Photo: http://www.menshealth.co.uk/

Have a love for a variety of musical genres.

While I was in L.A. for my spring vacay the other week, I had the opportunity to experience the awesomeness that was the Grammy Museum. And actually, I got so caught up in the museum, I found myself 45 minutes behind my planned schedule to get ready for my next activity. How did this happen? Well because I’d mistakenly only given myself 2 1/2 hours to explore the whole museum and spent the first two hours making my way through the equivalent of one floor out of the four offered.

To be clear, I made it onto a 2nd floor (which was technically the 3rd floor since you start at the 4th and make your way down), but between what I had to skip on the 4th floor and what little I was able to see on the 3rd floor once I realized my timing error, let’s just say — on my next trip to L.A., I need to schedule at least 5 hours just to finish the damn museum.

Part of why it took me so long to get through that first floor (Floor #4) was that everything was interactive or involved some king of audio or visual component throughout the entire museum. So you could very easily find yourself in one station for 30 minutes before you looked up and realized, “oh sh*t, I’ve been at this one station for 30 minutes!”

The other reason it took me so long to get through the stations is because I’ve since realized just how much I love music. Here’s where if you know me you probably said duh. But not just certain types of music — all of it. I was at one particular station that let you start with a music genre and go from that genre to related ones by connecting them on a screen based on your choices. Well, obviously there are numerous genres available, and I found myself wanting to hear (and dance) to them all.

I’m also an observer, though. So I noticed that certain demographics were coming up to their personal screens at the station and picking some genres more than others. For example, a young Black couple came over and picked mostly urban-music related genres, things like Hip Hop, R&B, New Jack Swing, etc… Then I noticed an older White couple that looked to be from a southern state, and they were picking genres like Country, Classical Rock, and Christian. A younger group of friends? They picked Pop, Rap, and Punk Rock.

Me? Oh, I jammed to all of the ones those folks picked and more. Before I knew it, I’d gone through at least 25 genres, stopping to jam to some Jazz, Heavy Metal, Grunge, Old School Hip Hop, West Coast Hip Hop, Gospel, Contemporary Gospel, Zydeco, Swing, Folk, Blues, Bee Bop and more. Obviously, this was one of the stations that took up a bunch of my time. And the reason it did so was because after I got finished listening to and dancing to one genre, I just couldn’t tear myself away before checking out another.

Until suddenly, I became a little sad, because there I was dancing to my heart’s content for probably 50 minutes when I’d seen all these other couples and groups of people come to the station and leave within ten. Essentially after listening to 2 to 3 things. That was all they interested in, I wondered. Now, it could have been that they were just better with their time management in the museum than I was, but I took it as them being done with what they wanted to hear. And it got me to thinking about how I would hate it if I had been there with future hubby and he’d wanted to move on that quickly.

Nah, I’d like him to be just as caught up with me! Grooving to the smooth tunes of Anita Baker, snapping our fingers to a Teddy Riley produced hit, doing the Kid N Play to well, Kid N Play, using our hand microphones to belt out a Pavarotti classic, air guitarring to Joni Mitchell, putting two fingers in the air for Pac while we two-stepped and more. I’d love him to have such an eclectic appreciation for music that I’d be wowed by how much stuff he knew. And we’d spend hours just enjoying the tunes and the sounds massaging our ears.

That can probably only happen if future hubby has an appreciation for a wide variety of music like I do. So here’s hoping he will — or at least he’ll enjoy watching me love it so much, he won’t try to stop the musical party.





On Being Best Friends with My Boo

24 03 2014

One of the things that has gotten a bad rap over the years is the idea of figuring out what is most important to you in a relationship. On the surface, that seems wise, right? It’s similar to how we approach interning in college — some of them are meant to show you what you want in your career and some are meant to show you what you absolute do not want. Either way, you begin to create a list in your mind of what makes you happy in a job. Over time, though, some times folks have gone too far with this concept and created lists the size of encyclopedias for relationships that no one on this Earth could possibly live up to. And thus birthed this stereotype that if you do have a list of wants, you’re looking for the perfect person or someone who doesn’t know what the word flexible means.

Yet, even with the bad reputation it’s received in the past, I tend to believe there’s a great benefit to knowing what you do and don’t want for yourself. There’s a balance, of course. I’m not saying that you become this stringent person that will only date men over 6’4 who have a graduate degree or higher and have been to at least 3 other countries.

But it’s good to take what you’ve learned from past relationships and to be able to apply it to the future, understanding what works for you and what doesn’t. For example, I’ve learned that I am most happy when me and my guy have a relationship where we support and push each other in whatever goals we’re reaching for at that moment. And I have no desire to be with a guy who puts me on a pedestal and makes me his sole goal in life.

These are things that are good for me to know going forward so I don’t waste either of our time. But I probably wouldn’t list them as most important. No, for that I’d need to dig a bit deeper.

Now, there are a lot of great qualities that could be listed as “most important” when one thinks about what they want in their future boo and/or relationship. Things like trust, for example. Or for the person to have the same belief system as you. Openness. The ability to make you laugh. Kindness. Respect. Etc… And all of those are great and very important.

But I’ve found that the most important quality I need/want in a relationship is for my guy to be one of my best friends. For me, that encompasses all the rest of those qualities and more. It means that we can laugh together about nothing, we have fun with each other, we’re always honest, we trust each other, we give unconditional support, we inspire each other, we respect each other, we’re there for each other even if we don’t necessarily agree with each other, we love each other, we don’t take ourselves too seriously, but we can have serious conversations where we learn from each other, we bring out the best in each other, we enjoy spending time with each other, we don’t expect each other to be perfect, but we know our lives our better when they include each other and so much more. If we’re best friends in the truest definition of that word, for me, all those other qualities that everyone says they want fall into place anyway.

At least that’s how it is with my best friends. We do all those things together anyway, and mean all those things to each other as well. In fact, I’ve been blessed with some pretty amazing best friends, and sue me, what I think I want more than anything right now is to eventually be able to include my guy on that list. For as one of my friends recently said, “relationships and attraction go through cycles, but if you can come back to the foundation of friendship, you can get through anything.”

What do you all think? Is there a quality that’s most important for you in a relationship? If so, what is it and why?





5 Things I Learned Actually Working Out with Someone I Like

10 03 2014
Photo: Meredith.com

Photo: Meredith.com

So this is how my life goes. I wrote a blog post about how I’d love to add working out with my future hubby as a “thing,” and a week didn’t pass by before I found myself working out with someone that I actually really like. Now, to be clear, when I wrote the blog post, I didn’t realize that I would be partaking in said activity anytime soon. I also had no previous experience of doing so.

Which meant that when it did happen, I was able to gauge in real time if I actually wanted what I’d claimed I wanted on the blog.

And because I’m me, I had several thoughts about the act.

Here are five of those thoughts:

1: Working out with a guy in general (especially someone who is active) is pretty dam intense.

This is something that should probably be intuitive, but until I physically worked out with a guy, and did all of the same stuff he did (well 90% of the stuff he did), I didn’t realize just how much more he could do physically than I could. This meant that our workout was at least 30X more intense than my most intense workouts previously. (As an aside – I justify this by saying I had been sick right before and hadn’t worked out in over a week, so I had to adjust, but the reality is that that ish was hard!)

2. While I don’t normally consider myself to be very competitive, I had a very real feeling of “I can’t let him think that I can’t do anything he can do.”

Do you remember those commercials where the girl is saying, “anything you can do, I can do better?” They were so catchy right? Yeah, well that was totally me that night. He did his sprint at 6 on the treadmill, so did I… never mind that I’d never gone over 4 before. Ain’t nobody got time for looking like a punk! He put his incline on 15, welp – so did I! He did three rotations on the weight machines – so did I! You see where I’m going here. I literally was not going to let him out do me in effort that night, and I’m not sure I’d ever had that feeling in the gym before.

3. All that said, and despite the fact that there were times I thought I was going to die, it was actually very encouraging working with him.

Okay, listen – there were definitely times I started thinking about what I was going to leave people in my will. No joking. BUT, every time that happened, you know what else happened? I had this guy on my right yelling out “you’re doing so well!” or “You look great Darbs, keep up the good work” or “You got this! Let’s just do 5 more minutes.” It was fantastic! And he didn’t do it so much that it became annoying, but it was right when I needed it every single time.

4. Seeing a guy that you like get all sweaty and push hard and jump/run around – that ish is so damn sexy!

Picture this: super attractive guy, sweat dripping down his body, muscles moving and shaping underneath his clothes. Just you and him working out in the gym. And every once in awhile, he positions your body for different work outs. Mmmmhmmm, I’m just going to stop there.

5. I was absolutely motivated afterward to get even better.

You know what else happened that I didn’t foresee? After that workout, I was totally like, I won’t let this be so hard the next time. In fact, since then I’ve made a point to work out at least just as hard 4 or 5 times a week. And it’s been great! I still don’t like the act of working out, but it makes my inner Xena Warrior Princess feel that much better when I know I’ve beasted in the gym. And I know that when we workout again, he may not have to encourage me as much because I’ll be that much readier to go.

Have any of you ever worked out with someone you were interested in or dating/seeing?

How did it go for you?





Tips for My Future Husband — #17

24 02 2014
Okay, maybe not this hardcore though... Have you seen this couple on Facebook?? My goodness!

Okay, maybe not this hardcore though… Have you seen this couple on Facebook?? My goodness!

Work out with me

I’ve been reading this book called The People Factor lately. It was something my pastor suggested as good reading one Sunday, and based on his descriptions of it, I was compelled to check it out.

Well, I’m immensely glad I did. In fact, some of my closest friends will attest that I’ve been regularly taking photos of pages and texting it to them, like “mannn, this is so good!” Anyway, the book basically talks about the divine importance of relationships in our lives — how God intended for us to be communal beings and therefore, how one of the most important things we can do in life is to get our relationships right.

What’s crazy is that this idea fell right in line with one of my main goals I wrote down in my homework assignment earlier this year — building on the relationships that better me and having the discernment and courage to let go of the ones that don’t.

What does all this seriousness have to do with wanting to work out with my future hubby? Everything actually!

Because if, as Van Moody says, the right relationships are like a perfectly run machine moving you on your path through their support and investment in your future, then that means if I’m working to build a healthier lifestyle for myself, I want my partner to be included in that.

Now, let me get real here for a second. I am not one of those people that enjoys working out. I love how I feel after a workout, and on the occasions when friends join me, I like the quality time we’re spending together doing something productive. But the actual act of working out? Nah, I’m not really a fan. I do it, more so now and consistentlier (made that up!) than before because I have goals that require it, and I want to be alive and healthy to see other plans come into fruition. But, I’ve never been that person that gets up and says, “You know what I really want to do today over anything else? Work out!”

Yea, that’s not me.

But you see, that’s why you have the machine of support. The man who pushes you to keep going when your arms are tired from lifting weights. The guy who encourages you simply by being there to run 10 more minutes on that treadmill. The one who kisses you afterward, both of you sweaty and worn out, and reminds you that you’re like Xena the Warrior Princess with your fierce intention to leave your best on that gym floor.

Yep, I want future hubby to be involved in all of that. Because of the machine and all.

And then I want us to go home and throw our sweaty, sexy selves in the shower to get clean. Or dirtier. Take your pick.





New Year. New Homework Assignments.

6 01 2014
Me on New Year's Eve!!

Me on New Year’s Eve!!

Happy New Year lovelies!!

I hope everyone has been having a great new year so far. I’ve missed you all! Jump down into the comments (after you read this post) and tell me what you’ve been up to lately. I can’t wait to hear how your holidays went.

__________________________________________________

Late last year, my church began a series of sermons to help everyone get ready for the new year. The series was entitled, “Everything’s gotta go,” and while there were a lot of gems that came from it, one of the homework assignments that stuck with me was one where you were to write down what your goals were for the new year and beyond. Now, in this writing — you not only had to say what you wanted to accomplish/achieve/complete, etc…. but you also had to list out specifics of how you would go about doing this.

So for example, you couldn’t just say “1: Get a promotion.” You had to give a date by which you were seeking to achieve that promotion and list out specific plans you would do (with dates as well) to help you get to that goal. Such as, maybe — “1: Present my boss with at least 3 new detailed initiatives by May 2014. 2: Manage at least 4 projects by September 2014. 3: Attend at least 3 training sessions by November 2014.”

The reverend listed several reasons for writing everything down, but I’ll just give you the top three here:

Writing stuff down actualizes what you are seeking to do. It makes it more real. It puts some depth behind what’s in your thoughts, and it forces you to look at what you want to do in black and white.

Writing specific details gives you a chance to see if what you are attempting to do makes any sense. For example, in your mind — you could say, I’m going to lose 40 pounds in a month. But when you sit down and write out how you plan to lose those pounds, what you plan to do as far as eating and working out, and how many pounds you should realistically lose in a healthy way in a month — chances are you’ll quickly find out that 40 is quite ambitious. That sound far fetched? Well, how about this example — “I’m going to become debt free, but I also plan to buy this outfit for NYE, this outfit for MLK weekend, this one for Valentine’s Day… without saving any money or paying off my debt in the process.” Basically, it shows you where your goals and plans do and don’t match up.

Writing your goals and desires down shows God that you are moving in your faith. Most Christians believe that faith requires action. Well, the simplest first action is to write down and plan for what you believe is coming to pass in your life.

Now, the kicker was that you were not to just write down these desires and goals about one part of your life (which I think a lot of us do). No, no — you were to write about every facet of your life, and to give the same time and attention to every single one of them. I broke my categories down into the following — Career (books), Career (non-books), Finances, Health/Wellness/Family, and Love Life — but I’m sure others broke theirs down differently. And while I really did get a lot of good out of this exercise (and I absolutely encourage you to try it if you don’t already do so), I was also compelled at times to go a bit further in my list.

For example, in my books category — I not only wrote down the steps I planned to take to get an agent, but exactly what I want in that agent. Now, these were not specifics about who that agent would/should be, but mostly they were about how he or she would care about my book (s) and take care in getting me a book deal. And then I realized, if I was going to do that about my book(s), I should be just as detailed about what I want in my love life as well, especially if I’m saying that it’s just as important to me as my career. And so I took the time to write down a list of things I want in a potential partnership with future Mr. D-Magic, just as I’d done about my future agent.

Let’s be clear, this list is not like the tongue-in-cheek Tips for My Future Husband series I do here on the blog. Neither is it a list of deal breakers or things I’m looking for in a man. It is what I’ve learned over the years makes me happy in a relationship. It’s not complete, but it is a first look at what I am saying I want to eventually achieve in any future relationship I enter.

So here’s what I wrote —

What I want in my future relationship:

–> A great friendship foundation

–> To be filled with prayer

–> A relationship that includes lots of laughs and one where we can (and want to!) hang out and drink and have a great time with each other

–> A relationship that allows both parties to be open, honest, and vulnerable

–> To be filled with respect for each others’ passions/skills/ambitions

–> Supportive of each other

–> One in which a certain amount of independent fierceness is allowed for each person, but where both of us soaring only creates an even greater bond/appreciation/respect for each other

–> Great chemistry

–> Great sexual chemistry

–> Serves as a place of comfort and peace for both parties

Your list may not look anything like my list, but it helped for me to see my future relationship goals in black and white. Now, when I’m dating folks (if I feel we are getting serious), I can look back at this list and see if I’m following what I saw I want. Makes no sense to date a guy for 6 months who I can’t laugh with if I say I want a relationship filled with lots of laughter, right? Right.

Obviously, you can see that this list is not extensive, and it doesn’t need to be, but it’s honest and true. And it helps set my path. And really, I think that’s what all those new year, new list, new homework assignments are meant to do.

What about you all? Do you have any goals that you’re working on in the new year? And do you engage in list-making/vision boarding etc when attempting to set your path?