The Procrastinator’s Guide to Preparing for a Booty Call

The ideal, unrealistic way we get ready for a booty call… Photo: Daily Mail

Do you all remember the opening scene in Being Mary Jane where “her” dude shows up unexpectedly, and she finds herself in a mad rush to remove all the post-its from her house, take her scarf off, look like she is always a sex pot when sitting around her home, and remove any evidence of toys from plain view? If you don’t remember or just didn’t watch it — you can view that scene here. Trust me, it’s a must see ladies.

When I initially saw that scene, I knew I was going to enjoy the movie. Not because random guys show up at my house on a regular, but because I could totally relate to having to rush to prepare for my booty call (and if I could relate to that, I figured there would be more I could relate to as well). It was like someone had been watching my routine for several years! And when I talked to my girls about it, I realized I wasn’t the only one who not only waited ’til the last minute, but knew exactly what needed to be done. We could all totally recall the times when we received that text or call asking if said guy could come over and the panic of realizing we now had to clean our apartments (for me, this means throw everything into my catch-all closet), clean ourselves, do our hair, and put on our “I’m not wearing any make-up” make-up in less than 25 minutes.

I don’t think men have any indication of how crazy we all are running around our apartments trying to get ready right before they get there. Or if they do, they do a very good job of acting like they don’t.

Anyway, after laughing about the times we found ourselves in similar predicaments, one of my girls asked the most important question concerning the rush to get ready — why do we constantly wait until the last minute to do this if we think there’s even a slight possibility dude is trying to read the chapters in our book that night (ahem)? Because we’re procrastinators. And maybe sadists. At least when it comes to this act.

So I figured the best thing I could do as a fellow procrastinator is at least help those of my clan when in need. Here are a few tips for that woman who finds herself needing to get ready for the booty call, the late night hang out, or even just the dinner and a movie at your place with a guy you’re dating.

Step # 1 — Don’t wait until he’s on the way to start the process. I know, I’m contradicting myself here, but honestly, waiting until the last minute is the worst thing to do lol. It causes all kinds of knicks and stubbed toe situations. What my friends and I found out was that while we were texting or speaking to said guy, we weren’t doing anything but wasting precious time to be getting ready. We all have cell phones now, so during that 10 – 30 minute call/text conversation, use your time wisely. It could be the difference between having 30 minutes to prepare and having an hour.

Step # 2 — Clean/ groom yourself. We all have different ways of doing this, but whatever yours is, just make sure it’s complete. You can pull your hair in a pony tail or slick it down if it’s short. You can laugh about your messy apartment. You can even keep the lights down low so he doesn’t stumble upon anything embarrassing in your place. But what won’t be a good look is if you’re self-conscious because your body isn’t how you’d like him to see it. Remember I talked about feeling sexy before having sex? Step 2 ups that anty just a bit more.

Also, when I was younger, I would stupidly NOT groom whenever a guy was coming over that I liked but was attempting to avoid having sex with… thinking that if I wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t succumb to my lack of will power. Thankfully, I finally learned the error of that decision. Listen, it won’t stop you. You’ll just be uber aware of that stubble on your legs as he’s spreading them on the bed.

Step # 3 — Take down all those positive aspiration things you have floating around your place. Yes, that includes the post-it notes on your mirror, the aspirational body figure on your refrigerator, the list of goals that includes things like “stop letting him come over at 11pm.” I think this step is pretty self-explanatory.

Step # 4 — Try to straighten up your place as much as possible. Maybe you’re a neat freak, and this step won’t apply to you. To that I say, whoop di do. Here’s a cookie. But for those of us who are not neat freaks, here are my top 3 things to do to make your place look cleaner than it really is. A) Make your bed. It really does make your room look exponentially cleaner. And yes, still make your bed even if you plan on using it. B) Toss things into closets or rooms that have no need for opening. I have a catch-all closet in my bedroom that is perfect for this. Some of you may use a linen closet or a pantry. I wouldn’t suggest the coat closet in the winter though. For reasons. C) Turn off the lights! Well not all of them, but if you have a dimmer, use that thing. And if you don’t have a dimmer, just have a small light on for when he comes in.

Anyway, I think those are the top 4 steps to getting ready for a visit in a rush. Any crucial steps you all think I missed?

#ThatAwkwardMoment when a Sex Song Plays at the Wrong Time

Photo: healthwatchman.com

At the end of a date a couple years ago, I found myself in a very awkward situation. The guy and I were making random chit chat as he drove me home from the restaurant, and the next thing I knew Freak Me by Silkk came on the radio. I’m sure if someone else had been able to see into that car, they would have probably cracked up laughing at the sight.

There we both sat trying to act like we didn’t hear this extremely sexual song playing on the radio while we continued our conversation about whether or not guys and girls could be truly platonic and how to know when a guy likes you.

Talk about awkward.

I mean, have you heard the lyrics to even just the chorus of Freak Me lately?

“Let me lick you up and down till you say stop; Let me play with your body, baby, make you real hot; Let me do all the things you want me to do; Cause tonight, baby, I wanna get freaky with you.”

Considering this was the third or fourth date with this guy and we’d yet to even kiss, I’m pretty sure I was dying inside the whole time the song played. Oh and did I mention that it wasn’t playing lightly in the background? It was definitely on loud enough for us both to hear it, acknowledge it, and then act like it wasn’t quite possibly the worst song to serve as the background to our conversation. And he never turned the radio down or off.

Remembering this moment made me think of other moments when sex songs have served to turn what would have been a perfectly okay situation into #teamawkward. For example, in college I remember having a meeting with my executive team for the Howard University Association of Black Journalists in my room one afternoon and hearing the distinct sounds of Imagine That by R. Kelly coming from someone’s window in the dorm. Another time I was visiting a friend in her dorm room, and as we were both whining about our loved lives, we heard her suite-mate start blaring R. Kelly and Biggie’s classically inappropriate song, F**king You Tonight. And then we heard ummm, other sounds begin to join the song.

What can you possibly do in those situations except let the song play and try not to crack up laughing at how awfully awkward things have just now become? Or in the case of my date, continue on with the conversation as if neither of you hears the new soundtrack to your thoughts.

What do you all think? How would you handle a musically awkward situation? And have you ever encountered such problems before? I’d love to hear what other songs have made it into the awkward conversation hall of fame.

Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake!!!!

Photo Credit: Flickr.com

Guess what folks?! It’s May!! – which means we’re now officially in my birthday month, and I’ll be 30 before you know it.

I think usually this time starts to be one of reflection for a lot of people. I’ve seen folks freak out and start feeling like they haven’t achieved anything and thinking they are so far behind what they expected at 30. I’ve also seen people get really introspective about their beliefs and their actions.

Me? I’ve started thinking about all the fun ish I want to do that I haven’t done just yet.

You know, like come home to a naked man, sitting there with a cake on top of him… waiting for me to blow the candles out (ahem).

TMI? Okay, well then this post isn’t the one for you lol. Stop right here and come back on Friday. I won’t feel bad……………… Still here? Wonderful!!

So what brought about this new, crazy fun bucket list of ideas? Well, while recording the next podcast (wooot!), it came up that I’d never had a one night stand before. Really??? – my friends who’ve known me for ten years asked rhetorically and incredulously. Really. So they, kind of jokingly, gave me an assignment. And even though it was a joke – it got me to thinking, why not take it on as a real assignment?!

I mean, I’m about to be 30! It’s time to celebrate!

Funny enough, for the past year, I’ve been slightly stressing over the fact that I didn’t feel almost 30. Don’t get me wrong – I love my life, my bills definitely remind me that I’m grown every month, and I’ve lived a lot of great and fabulous moments so far. But when I thought of 30 — it just seemed like I should feel wiser or more adult. That I shouldn’t still be thoroughly enjoying the time I spend with my hair in a high ponytail, Howard/Georgetown sweats on, dancing around my place without a care in the world. Or getting giddy anytime I think about wearing my perfect date dress for that perfect date. Or hell, creating drunken hashtags with a certain friend who shall not be named.

But I do all of that! And I love doing all of that! And I realized a few weeks ago, after talking to said friend, that my 30 may be different from what I expected – but in many ways, it’s still very 30. So while the idea of kids and a husband still scare the bejeesis out of me (for now, that is), there’s other things that I’m very adult about. I have my own apartment, I have a great job, I have plenty of travel plans, and my little sisters insist that I remind them of Martha Stewart on a regular basis. And even if none of those things were the case, I’d still just be an even different form of 30. But 30 nonetheless.

So okay – I’ll take it. I’m Martha Stewart with more than a few tats and an appreciation for a good glass of Hennessy and Coke. And I feel like the real fun is just beginning.

To help with that fun – I’ve now got a temporary, not at all completed, crazy bucket list of things I can’t wait to try! Feel free to make any suggestions in the comments section if you can think of more.

– I’m serious about that man and the cake.
– Also, naked Saturdays whenever my future husband does come in the picture are a definite must.
– Be a part of a flash mob dance
– Vegas baby!
– Actually do one of my Tuesday night amateur specials.
– Lay out on a yacht while singing “I’m on a boat!”
– Have a one night stand.

Listen… it’s about. to. go. down. 30 is so not ready for me.

Guide to Asking Inappropriate Questions

Photo Credit: leebankruptcy.com

A couple weeks ago, a discussion began in the comments section about the right time to ask inappropriate questions. And since then, I’ve been trying to come up with a better answer than – “not on the first date.”

The reason that answer is wrong is because nothing is ever black and white, so maybe the chemistry you and the other person have makes it okay to bring up what would normally be inappropriate dinner conversation. Maybe it’s you all’s first date, but you’ve known each other for years? Maybe the date lasts a whole day and then feels more like 3 dates in one than a typical first date. Heck, maaaaybe… you just like inappropriate questions and you’ve been waiting for someone to go there on a first date, to no avail!

So anyway, as you can see – I’m not a fan of making an absolute statement in this case (even though I really want to say “not on a first date”). I will say, though, that asking inappropriate questions is a little like the definition of porn. You may not be able to pinpoint exactly the best time, but if you’re sane, you’ll probably notice it when it happens.

Since I couldn’t pinpoint a guide of when to ask inappropriate questions, I figured the next best thing was when NOT to ask them. That’s more important anyway, right? If you miss the opportunity, that’s fine, it’ll come up again – but if you aim too soon? Chances are you won’t see that person in this lifetime or next.

Here’s a few questions I’d suggest asking yourself before just coming out and asking someone “what that mouf do, tho?”

Have you all spoken about under-the-surface topics before?
Meaning, if your conversations have thus far been all about the weather and your respective jobs, right now’s probably not the right time.

Does he or she seem the like the kind of person who would find it funny or get really, really offended?
Chances are if you don’t know the answer to this, it’s not the right time yet.

Have you kissed/made out/joked about making out before?
If not, pump those brakes brotha or sista!

Are you in public/could you potentially embarrass him or her with this question? Some folks are more willing to discuss inappropriate things in private than public, so loud-capping someone with a question about their freak status probably isn’t the way to go.

What do you all think? And have you ever experienced someone jumping way too soon into the inappropriate question arena? Funny enough, I think my friends and I are pretty inappropriate at times, and yet, I’d be willing to bet we’ve all had someone go too far too fast. Not sure why that is, but maybe these few questions will help stop at least one person from making that mistake again.

Fool Proof Dating Fails: What You Should Never Do on a Date

Yea, this guy? Don’t be him…
Photo Credit: http://www.urbancusp.com

Oh, dating. It can be a glorious and thrilling occasion. But, for many, it can also be a time of confusion on what to do and what not to do when trying to make a good impression.

Well, since everyone always talks about what you should do on a date, I’d like to talk about a few things you definitely should never, ever, ever do. You know, because I’ve had way more hilarious encounters with the latter. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard things like “don’t discuss religion or politics” and “don’t be late,” but, this won’t be that kinda list. I have some waaaay better don’ts than that!

Like?

Men: Don’t order more than you can pay. Matter of fact, don’t go to a restaurant you don’t know you can afford.

This seems obvious enough, and yet – I went on a date with a guy who was obviously trying to impress me, but clearly didn’t realize he couldn’t actually afford the restaurant he took me to. Crazy part? He suggested it! Crazier part? I ended up having to fork over $50 on a date that was supposed to be his treat. Hmmm…

Ladies: Don’t dress for the wrong date.

I get wanting to dress to impress, but nothing looks crazier than a woman in a bandaid dress and heels on her way to Dave and Busters. (I’ve seen it.) That is just sooo not a good look! And such a waste, because (and I’m just guessing here) there’s no way the guy is thinking anything close to “I want to take her on a second date after this.”

Men: Don’t ask crazy questions. These can include, but are not limited to:¹

Why are you single?
Are you a freak?
Do you believe in vampires? (Because I am one.)
How does your p*ssy taste?
So what are the chances of me coming over tonight?
Do you think you could fall in love with me?
— note, only one of these is a question I haven’t actually been asked or one of my friends hasn’t actually been asked. I’ll let you decide which one.

Both: Don’t take several calls or spend most of your time checking your phone.

A. It’s just rude to do unless you’ve already told the other person about a specific reason you’re waiting on a call. B. It totally gives off the impression you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s not exactly the impression you want to give off if you actually want to see that person again, right? Right.

Well, that’s all my tips for today, but what other foolish things have you all seen or encountered that folks should definitely never, ever, ever do on a date?

Happy April Fools everyone! Hope you’re enjoying your day 🙂

1 I recognize women ask crazy questions as well, but I’ll let the men who read the blog offer those examples lol

The Girl Talk Podcast – New and Improved!!

I know it’s been a few months since I posted a new podcast episode, but I have great news!! (You knew there had to be a reason it’s been gone so long, right??) Well, I’m happy to announce that in the coming months, I’ll be premiering a new and improved version of the podcast that will feature two of your faves as standing guests. I’m so excited to show off our revised structure and look forward to discussing those thrilling, and sometimes controversial topics we like to cover when talking with our girls.

So be on the lookout! And in the meantime, Girl Talk is now available on Itunes as well as the regular stream from Podomatic on the blog. Be sure to check out any old episodes you may have missed and tell a friend!

Also, Choices, Voices, and Sole just got it’s own Facebook page! Click on the link or venture over to the sidebar and press the little “Like It” button. Can’t wait to see you on there!

Smooches!

The Sex Diet: Is this for real??

Photo: Fitness19.com

I know it’s January and lots of folks are working on trimming down for the new year, so it was only fitting that a recent Cosmo article discussed a new trendy thing called the Sex Diet.

For those who don’t know the specifics, the diet was coined by Dr. Oz and basically attempts to substitute the highs one gets from consuming carbs with the desire/highs you get from having sex or interacting in a sexy manner. Essentially, more sex, less carbohydrates. Sounds enticing, right? But does it work?

In the Cosmo article, their writer chronicles her experience in a week of trying to survive on the diet. Cliff notes version? It was hard. Sometimes it worked, but other times, she would have sex and still want to eat the bad thing right after. Guess you can call that a double whammy. Either way, the results were quite mixed.

And this was for a woman who’s married and works for Cosmopolitan Magazine. Meaning not only does she have access to penis anytime she wants, but she is more than likely quite open with any desires she may have. You can’t exactly be a prude and work for Cosmo, right?

Right.

But if her results were mixed and she could seemingly engage in sexual activities anytime she wanted to in an attempt to curb her carb appetite, what does a single woman like me do? I suppose you could have sex with yourself, but I have a feeling, she’d/I’d still want that chunkey monkey ice cream afterward.

Here’s where my guy friends would say that no woman is ever truly single and that if any woman told a guy that she wanted to have sex every time she thought about eating some Texas Toast garlic bread, she’d have no problem getting volunteers. Silly silly men those guy friends of mine. That logic completely disregards the fact that available peen doesn’t necessarily equate to peen you want. Shocker, I know… that a woman wouldn’t just want to bone any ol’ random bama in DC so she can lose a few lbs. The nerve of her for being choosey! (<– sarcastic font)

Anyway, despite the clear lack of foresight about how truly single women could practice this diet, it still seems intriguing. At the very least, even if it doesn’t work, you got more bow chicka wow wow action in, right? That’s never a bad thing… as long as it’s good. So what do you think, ladies? Would you try it?

PSA: Street Heckling is a Lose Lose for Everyone

Photo: blog.bitterstiletto.com

“I’m not a prude, I just want some respect… no, my first name aint baby. It’s Janet. Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.” ~ Janet Jackson, Nasty Boys

By now, most women are used to hearing the “say ma” and “hey baby” comments when we walk down the street. We’re probably even used to the whistling and the “psst psst” noises. We don’t like them, but we’re used to them.

If you live in major city like I do, you might even be used to hearing the proverbial “why don’t you smile little lady” question, as if you’re supposed to walk down the street grinning like a Cheshire cat all day long. (No seriously, I love to laugh – but that question is just stupid.)

But you never get used to the ones that attempt to make personal and sexual statements about you. And you certainly never get used to anyone trying to follow or touch you in the process of heckling.

The other day, I experienced two out of those three while running to another building in DC in an attempt to handle some 9 to 5 business before the office closed at 5pm. I stepped off the train at 4:52pm and while I was looking to make sure I went in the right direction to get to my destination, I was immediately approached by this guy who had it on his mind that he was going to say every lewd comment under the sun to me. He walked up to me (and continued following me while I made my way to the building) and started mentioning how I was “just like he liked ’em: thick and bright.” And how he had all kinds of sexual acts he wished he could do to me if I just gave him the chance. If you’re wondering – yes, he was about to start listing them.

Now, this was not the first time some random dude in DC thought it was a good idea to comment on the fact that “I was just like he liked ’em.” I talked about the most memorable one in one of the Girl Talk podcasts (a guy on the train who told me he liked ’em thick and light skinned and if it were up to him, he’d have me bent over in a thong and heels all day long), but there have been more than a few occasions where men have made similar comments. And yes, I’m usually more upset about the denial of my chocolatiness than the assertion of my thickness.

Anyway, that day, I wasn’t having it. It was now 4:54pm and I needed to get to that office before they closed at 5. I took off my sun glasses, turned to him and gave that man the meanest stare I could conjure up. I never said a word, but I didn’t need to – he got the hint. I was neither in the mood for his shenanigans nor was I okay with them. I’d just finished running through the Metro like OJ in the 80’s, but with a bum toe. And if I’d had the time, he might have gotten more than a 5 second stare down from me. [Yes, when I’m pissed, I think I’m more gangsta than I really am – moving on…]

Luckily, he backed off.

Now, I’m not naive enough to think that my death scare frightened that man off, although it was pretty epic. More importantly, I think that he got the hint that I was not going to turn around and find his words amusing. I wasn’t going to laugh or giggle or give him any kind of positive reaction. Thing is – I don’t think any woman ever does.

And this is what amazes me about the heckling thing anyway. It’s definitely not new, as evidenced by Janet Jackson’s song from the 1980s. And yet, I’ve never heard anyone say “oh, I met my boo when she was walking down the street, and I told her I wanted to phone her, not own her. She turned around and the rest was history.” That ish doesn’t happen.

All heckling does is make the woman either angry, creeped out, or scared (depending on the level of heckling involved). And then the man doesn’t end up with a phone number or a possible date – he ends up with a death stare or finds himself at the end of a curse out by said woman or maybe even in handcuffs if he really went too far.

Who’s winning here?

If you answered no one, please go ahead and give yourself a cookie. You’re right – no one is winning. So why does it constantly happen? Why are women subjected to this kind of thing on a daily basis and what are men getting out of doing it? It seems to me like most men would understand that you have a greater chance of getting a woman’s positive attention by walking up to her, saying hi and introducing yourself.

So what causes so many men to venture into this lose lose opportunity? Any theories? Cuz I’d really like to know.

PS: Thanks to some of my amazing readers, Choices, Voices, and Sole was nominated in 4 categories for the Black Weblog Awards. Please take a moment to head over to their page to vote for yours truly in the following categories: Best Writing in a Blog, Best Personal Blog, Best Blog Post Series (for the Shoe Stories) and Best Sex or Relationship Blog. You can vote here –> Black Weblog Awards voting page. Semi-finalist voting ends October 1, 2012.

Top 10 things I think Joe Biden is probably thinking right now…

I got a lot of thoughts in this head of mine, son. A lot.

A long time ago, I used to do some posts in which I’d theorize what some important political figures were probably thinking at the time. Since we’re full on in election season now, I figured I’d bring it on back. So let’s jump right in…

Here are the top 10 things I think Joe Biden is probably thinking right now (if we could listen into his thoughts):

1. Speaking after Romney at the NAACP convention? Talk about perfect timing. #winning!!!

2. Listen, I know a lot of people think I’m the fun-loving, say whatever I want nutcase of the administration, but really, I’m very intelligent and informed. I just choose not to give a BLEEP what others think.

3. Could you turn down this smile? I think not. Voters – remember that.

4. Did you see this commercial we just put out? Don’t tell me you think that guy sings better than my guy.

5. Despite the Republicans trying to hate on me and my main man, Barack – I still think the signing of the new health care legislation was a “big f$cking deal!” Hate on haters.

6. WHY do people think I make funny faces all the time? Do I? Hmmm. I guess I need to go practice looking dead inside in the mirror.

7. Y’all know Barack (ahem, the President) is having a birthday party at his house in Chicago for his 51st birthday right? You know it’s about. to. go. down. Right? Tag me (on Facebook)! Do people still say that?

8. I know it may seem like I’m harping on the fact that Mitt Romney has invested more money over seas than in America when I’m talking about him on the campaign trail. And I am. But it’s true, so that makes it okay. #Boom

9. Why am I using hastags when talking to myself? I don’t know. These things just happen sometimes.

10. Some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like me, some of them try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like me, some of them try rhyme but they can’t rhyme like me, some of them try to rhyme but they can’t… cuz I’m the miggety miggety miggety mack daddy…. Oops, probably shouldn’t let people know I’m rapping that. Well in that case…. Vote Obama/Biden this November!

Morning Nook

Oh Cosmo.

You can be a riot sometimes (like when you suggest that I do things sexually that will get me punched dead in my face). But other times, you’re soooo on point, like when you helped me realize the benefits of developing a signature move. This time, I’m going with the latter.

Let me start by saying that I’ve never understood this idea that men are more geared up for morning fun. Maybe it’s because my first time happened in the morning (was that (TMI? Oh wells…you guys know more personal things than that about me lol) Or maybe it’s because my friends think I’m like a guy sometimes, but I feel like morning nook should be one of those induspitable facts.

You know, like:
– George Washington was the first president of the United States.
– Thomas Jefferson liked him some chocolatey goodness.
– Martin was a bit of a whor-ah.
– All men should actively and frequently eat watermelon… It would make the world a happier place.

In that same list should be:
– Morning nook is absolutely shucking fantastic!

And Cosmo seems to agree with me. In their most recent magazine (the one w Lea Michelle on the cover), they espoused the benefits of some morning goodness – basically that it starts your day on the right foot. But the thing that struck me was the sentence highlighted (by them, not me). “Men often open their eyes raring to go, but we need some encouragement.” The hell WE do!

Who are these women? No, seriously… WHO are they? Because I’ve got to say, if you think a kiss to wake you up will have you walking in the office like the guy on the male enhancement commercials, imagine what a little rssfeed will do for ya. But don’t just trust me, Cosmo says all I need to say – “the act gives you a boost of endorphins that lasts for hours.” Hours… people; and you don’t have to drink that nasty 5 hour energy stuff (clearly won’t be having them advertise on here lol)

So no, the best part of waking is NOT Folgers in your cup… but maybe it should be a little frisky romp in the boudoir. Try it out and let me know what you think. For my girls who’ve already gotten busy before breakfast – what do you think is stopping other women? Is it just that they don’t know?