So as I near the point of no return, ie my 30th birthday lol, a couple things have been going through my head, not the least of which is a nice little statistic that was given on the TV show, New Girl, the other day. In the episode entitled, “Eggs,” they mentioned that by the time a woman reaches 30, she’s lost about 90% of her eggs. That’s a whole lotta eggs dawg.
No. Really. 90%
So here’s the thing about that statistic: I am nowhere near ready to have anybody’s child and I am 5 months away from being 30. In fact, just a few days before that episode premiered, I was speaking with one of my girls about how I feel like I’m not grown enough to be turning 30 come May 2013. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not having one of those “oh God, I’m going to be 30 and haven’t done anything with my life” moments. Quite the contrary – I’ve done a lot. I enjoy what I do for a living and I see the continued opportunities for growth. I love the family and friends I’ve surrounded myself with. I love being able to travel wherever I want, as long as I have the money and the time available from work. But you know how you have an image in your head of what something is supposed to be? That’s how I feel about being 30.
I don’t feel like my lifestyle or my mindset fits what I feel like a 30 year old should. In my head, a 30 year-old woman should be wearing skirts and be dressed to the nine all the time (think Diahann Carroll in any of her older movies), should have a fully furnished house with husband and kids, still manage to be completely graceful and fly at all times and basically have her ish together in every way. She should feel, I don’t know – grown.
Me though? I appreciate the times I can wear my HU sweatpants, pull my hair into a ponytail, rock no make-up, and just chill on the couch in my little one bedroom apartment. I have no real obligations outside of myself and I like it that way. I enjoy my position as tia and nanny and awesome big cousin, and while there are certainly times I get my fly or graceful girl on, I would never lie to you all and say that’s something that happens 24-7. I get that these expectations might seem a bit cray cray, but the point is I’m not there.
Now, what does this all have to do with my eggs? Well, the bad part about me not wanting kids right now and not feeling like I’m grown enough to be responsible for the life of a little bitty baby is that I may not have much time to get to the point where I do feel ready. Need we forget – 90%. And as I get closer to 30, I worry that by the time I do feel ready, it may be too late. What if I don’t feel “grown” until I’m 40 (Jay Z did say 40 is the new 30); will I have 1% of my eggs left at that point???
Anyway, in the show, two of the characters make an appointment with a gynecologist to get a test that’s supposed to tell you just how many eggs you have left (this test is real, people!). But before they do, they have a funny, but telling conversation that I think somewhat explains how a lot of women like me feel:
Jess: 90% of our eggs, huh? That’s crazy. I’m panicking. Are you panicking?
CeeCee: God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess. They literally eat your body.
Jess: I’m 30. I’m single. And I just started a new job. Tonight, I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face and then I ate the bread roll. So I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don’t think I’m ready to bring new life into the world, but what if all that’s left are the weird eggs and the evil eggs?
Of course, by the end of the episode, we learn that CeeCee needs to get pregnant now if she ever wants to have a baby. What?! Do you know how much that scared the ish out of me? And subsequently several of my single and childless friends? What do you do if you’re told that you all of a sudden have to grow up right right now and take on a role you didn’t foresee yourself doing for another 4 or 5 years? Chances are, you sound like CeeCee:
CeeCee: Sadie basically just told me that if I want to have a kid, I’ve got to start right now. Right. Now. I thought I had all this time. I didn’t want to have to think about this.
Man, that resonated with me so much. Clearly, I would freak out because I’m right there with CeeCee right now. Yes, I’m turning 30 soon – but in my mind, that’s not old enough for me to be someone’s mommy. I know people who are, but me? That’s such a scary thought. Let’s just hope my 30 year old eggs cooperate and hold on for dear life until the time comes when I am.