Casual Coital Rules

11 05 2009

I was talking to a close friend of mine the other day and we agreed that there seems to be an influx of men who do not know the rules of casual coital pleasures. Since this is the case, I figured I would take a little time to lay some rules down on wax.

Let me know if you agree, disagree, or want to add on…

1. No CUDDLING!!! Let me clarify cuddling for those who just think it’s spooning. Cuddling is any variation of your body joined with mine in a resting state. So that includes me laying on your chest, laying on your lap, your armspooning around my waist… Yeah. All that. Those things are great. They’re fantastic actually, but they’re designated for someone who is my man.

I mean really, how much more intimate can you get than laying on someone’s chest, feeling and hearing them breathe. If we’re not *there*, that’s not okay!

2. No forehead kisses! (no further explanation needed… just dont do it.)

3. No sleepovers. If you are in a situation where a sleepover has to occur, say the person doesn’t live in the same city, please don’t expect sleepover things such as cuddling. See #1 for details. Go to sleep on your side and I will go to sleep on mine. Seriously.

4. No expectations. That means if I’m busy, you can’t blast me for being busy. You can’t keep your own personal stash of condoms at my place and you don’t get to ask me why you can’t come over tonight.

5. Never, ever. Ever. Use the word Love. Now this may seem like a simple task, but I have actually had a guy in mid stroke say, “tell me you love me.” Seriously??? In mid stroke?!? I couldn’t take the foolishness…so  I promptly stopped all activities and looked at him like he’d lost his damn mind. This isn’t love sir. And how dare you try to bring me to that point for whatever sick pleasure you may get out of it.

Now for all those reading this thinking, “dag… I see why your friends have been telling you that you’re like a guy.” Let me just say that these rules are strictly for casual things. If we’re in a relationship, my man can have all that and more… but really, I think that certain things are just not slip-up person worthy. I’m not going to call my go-to person if I’m sick and need soup, he shouldnt expect me to hold him in his sleep. I’m just sayin…. lol

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14 responses

12 05 2009
countryclubbarbie

Yeah – I want you to know I woke up READY for this post, lol. So, yes, you can legitimately blame this on me (or the al-al-al-al-alcohol).

You know how I feel about the situation, so I will do nothing other than cosign (where’s my signature when I need it?).

However, I’d like to ammend #4. You are more than welcome to keep a personal stash of prophylactics in my nightstand. What you don’t get to do is ask why there are only 3 left in the box, when you brought over 6 and we only used 2. You aren’t my man, it’s none of your business. If you want to count condoms, keep them in your own damn nightstand.

Wow – that was kind of guy-like wasn’t it? Who cares? Negroes need to know!

And NO CUDDLING! I just thought that point needed to be reiterated. I’m just sayin . . .

12 05 2009
dbaham

ha aha aha thank you for the amendment lol.

And I would just like to piggyback on your reiteration: NO CUDDLING!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO…. seriously though. (and that goes for those light feathery/ rubbing touches too… none of those either)

12 05 2009
countryclubbarbie

(OK – so I feel a full on comment conversation coming, lol)

But let’s add no hair rubbing either. I already have a hair complex, so the only person running their fingers through my coif is my M-A-N. That is a privilege, not a right!

Oh – and if you’re a casual coital buddy you don’t get to leave ish at my house. I had one who asked if he could leave a pair of shorts and a t-shirt at my house. I said “no” because that encourages sleepovers. Then, I promptly offered him a pair of Voldy’s basketball shorts (it was after the break-up, don’t worry!). Besides, I barely have enough closet and drawer space as it is. You’re crazy if you think I’m giving up precious space for a cu- errr, casual coital buddy.

12 05 2009
dbaham

oooooooooooh I have 2 more! lolololol

1. No you can’t keep a parking pass for my apartment complex.

2. and no, you can’t just drop by unanounced

all of those fit under the no expectations clause… don’t assume you’re anything more than a casual affair to me, just because I’m a girl. In fact, I resent the notion… hmph… that a woman cant keep a casual thing going. If certain people would stick to the rules, things would be a lot easier. Basically it all boils down to this… if we’re doing something casual, dont expect to get boyfriend benefits… because once you start getting boyfriend benefits, guess what? It’s no longer casual! 🙂

12 05 2009
countryclubbarbie

Wait – one more!

It’s none of your business who I spend my time with when I’m not with you. If you ask me who I’m out with, I’m going to tell you the truth (why lie?). If you don’t like my answer, keep it to yourself. Just because you don’t want to pay for my dinner, doesn’t mean somebody else doesn’t. And, at the end of the day – he’ll probably end up with the boyfriend benefits. And you’ll end up with your condom box.

Unless you leave it in my night stand. Then he’ll end up with that too.

12 05 2009
dbaham

oooooooooooh dagger!!!!!!! LMAO!

11 09 2009
Chance Jackson

That’s why you dont have casual relationships OR casual sex. If you’re going to have someone in your life, great, have them, but if their not your “one” then I say it’s not good to do so to have any of that. Not even the casualty of any relationship related act. Think of how the significant other would feel if they had someone who was in a “casual relationship” or have “casual sex.” I say no.

11 09 2009
Chance Jackson

another thing. you’re playing with emotions. why would anybody want to do that to themselves or another? there wont be a “no-strings attached” sort of thing. It’s either you or them. there is no such thing as “casual”

11 09 2009
countryclubbarbie

The whole point of a casual coital relationship is NOT to play with emotions. Which is why there are rules involved. It takes two to tango or coital or cut or whatever you want to call it. And at the beginning, if we establish that this is going to be a “casual” thing and not a “relationship” thing then I can only assume that you are going to keep it casual – no feelings, no emotions, no expectations. I’m not playing with your emotions if I establish up from that this isn’t going towards Relationshipville. If a man stays involved in the situation hoping to change my mind that’s on him, not me.

Furthermore, we’re not talking about having a significant other AND having a casual relationship on the side. That is cheating. I think we all can agree to that. However, if I’m between significant others (which I am right now) and I have a casual coital buddy (which I may or may not have right now – lol) I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. And neither does Mr. Sunday. And he knows the rules . . .

11 09 2009
dbaham

@ Chance – thanks for commenting! It’s nice to hear a different perspective and it definitely promotes dialogue between the readers (and me) about the different topics – so get to reading some other posts and comment on those too! lol

Buuuuuuuut for this one, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. As CCB said, I’m not sure if you took this post as casual coital rules aside from your relationship or not, but if you did – please read https://gotsole.wordpress.com/2008/08/26/deal-breaker/ and you’ll see how much I dont agree with cheating.

However, I am a firm believer that when you are not in a committed relationship, you can do a couple things: you can a) seek out another committed relationship or b) do your own thang for awhile. If there are women (or men for that matter) who choose option B, who am I to tell them option B does not include dating and occassionally (or sometimes not occassionally) sexing casually? As long as we’re all adults – we all agree upon the terms from the beginning – we all use protection – I say go for it! … if thats your thing.

If it’s not, then really the rules don’t apply to you. The reason I wrote the rules down is because I was finding through personal and friend experiences that there were some guys who claimed they wanted causal relationships with us, but they didnt want casual committments from us. You know what they wanted? The ability for them to be casual but for us to be sitting around at home waiting on their behinds to pick up the phone – let me tell what you is NOT about to happen.

No sir-ree!

So really, the rules were set to say, “hey, if you wanna play the casual game – then let’s play it.” But every sports game I know of has rules and if you break those rules, there are fines, deductions, suspensions, sometimes even expulsions from the league. And so that I (nor my friends) have to penalize anyone unfairly, I was so gracious as to let the world know what the rules were.

As Oprah said, “Once you know better, you can do better.”

Thanks again for commenting! 🙂

19 07 2012
Jujubee

No hugs, no holding hands, no hugs from behind and no making breakfast for me!!!! Please respect those rules. No emotional convisations, no unrelated calls, no involving other people… Just keep it between us. No asking my plans, no begging. Mkay

20 07 2012
dbaham

Totes agree on everything you said Jujubee!! Thanks for commenting!

12 09 2012
The Practice of Practice Dating « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] won’t repel from his cuddly arms. (Y’all know my cuddle aversion has been real at times, especially when it involves guys who are not my boyfriend.) And you know what happened with that guy? He turned out to be a major jerk who not only […]

4 11 2012
The importance of kissing and other not completely s3xual activities that tell you how someone has s3x « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] big on kissing. Really. Kind of the opposite of how I feel about cuddling. But trust me, I’ve had some bad experiences. With one guy, I thought I was going to need a […]

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