The Random Pop-Up and its Implications

4 09 2014
Yep, it's absolutely like the joker popping out of a box... Photo: lessons4medicos.blogspot.com

Yep, it’s absolutely like the joker popping out of a box… Photo: lessons4medicos.blogspot.com

Girls. My girls. Has the following situation (or something similar) ever happened to you? It’s a random workday evening. You’re just coming home from the gym (and if you’re anything like me, that means it’s anywhere between 8:30 and 9:30pm). You check your phone — because that’s what most people do when they’ve been away from their mobile device for a bit — and then you see this ish:

Hey.

Sigh. Now, “hey” by itself is not a bad thing to see on your phone. I get some heys that absolutely make my day sometimes. But this one? This one is from an ex who you haven’t heard from in quite some time.

No explanation of the reappearance. No further thought. Just hey.

I’m asking (obviously) because this happened to me recently. And since this particular ex went ghost as a way to end things, I was Ray Charles to the bull sh*t, and told him as such.

I also decided to pose a similar question to the fellas on my Facebook page recently, just to get a sense of the mindset of a man who does the random pop-up.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

The status gained over 60 comments from both men and women, but the responses from the guys? Oh, the responses from the guys were classic and varied and mostly landed within one of these two categories:

A) Don’t be so quick to dismiss dude. He could be legit and you never know what could happen between you two.

B) Dude is a lame. And he just wants to see if he can hit it (either again or for the first time). He’s bored. His team has dwindled down.

Now, listen. As I mentioned to one of the guys firmly on team A, I am not at all opposed to a genuine reconnection with someone from your past (and those who really know me, know that’s true lol). In fact, I admitted that most people would probably not be offended by someone from their past reaching out and saying something like, “Hey, I know it’s been a while, but I heard something the other day that reminded me of you. Just wanted to see how you were.” But sending just “hey” implies to the other person (ie me) that you’re more like option B than the first. It implies that you’re putting a feeler out there, but you’re not committed to it.

And that (and the assumption that comes with it that any woman will still be available and/or want to still talk to you) is what I was and am offended by.

It’s funny, because I ended up having an off shoot conversation about all of this with a co-worker of mine a few days later, and of course, his first response was, “Well any guy who does is, it’s because he knows he can get back in there at any time.”

“Knows,” I asked incredulously.

“Yea, I mean c’mon, we all know that every woman has that guy who can pop back up in her life anytime and she has to think twice about ignoring him.”

“Yea,” I said, “But the problem is that every guy thinks he’s that guy, and most women only have one (if that). It’s like how no guy thinks he’s had a woman fake an orgasm on him, but most women admit to having done it at least once. The math doesn’t add up!”

And even if the math added up, it would still be some bull that you think, as a man, you can pop back up in someone’s life without any hesitation or explanation. That women are just sitting around waiting to be “re-chosen.” Please.

All of this brings me back to my original question, ladies. Has this happened to you? And if so, how did you handle it? I chose the “you can miss with the bull” route right after he tried to tell me how much he missed me and our conversation. What was your path?

Also, have you ever pulled the random pop-up on anyone? Were you successful in reigniting a relationship with him or her?

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8 responses

5 09 2014
bpcharles

Funny story. I met my husband around May and we “talked” for about two weeks. Long story short, he wasn’t trying to commit. We didn’t speak for 6 mos but I still kinda sorta really liked him. 6 months later i sent him a Myspace message. yes Myspace. And here we are.
It just so happened to work for me that one time. Lol. I’ve had old boyfriends do it and it pisses me off. I usually just ignore their calls. I had one facebook msg me.

5 09 2014
dbaham

Awww that’s cute!! And I love that it was Myspace hahaha. I have a story about an ex where we reconnected over AIM. Stories like that seem so dated, and yet they weren’t alllll that long ago lol

I’m not opposed to a reconnection. A/the guy I’m dating now is someone from my past. But…. this guy just seemed so audacious! Like, how you gonna hit me up a year after you dropped off the face of the earth and just say “hey”? I couldn’t do it. And I wouldn’t do that to someone else. But I have hit someone up before and been like, “omg, I saw this [redacted] and it totally made me think of you. What’s going on with your life these days?” So I get it.

I also think it depends on the context in which you ended. Like there are some dudes who, even though I may wonder if all is well with them, I’ll probably never reach out to because I know they were really hurt by our break up. I feel like in that same way, if you were a shitty person and that caused our break up, you should think twice about hitting me up too lol.

5 09 2014
bpcharles

Myspace. AIM. How old are we?? Lol. I agree with you, if you were a generally shitty person, don’t reach out. That’s why I ignored one of my exes b/c we ended on bad terms.

5 09 2014
dbaham

hahahaha right!?!! Not that old! LOL

And good for you. I should have ignored this fool too lol

6 09 2014
JaneDoe

I’ve had it happen to me and I’ve actually done it before as well. When the guy contacted me, I knew the guy must have been on a “break” with his on again and off again girlfriend. When we met, it was during one of their “off again” eras and I was caught in the midst of it. I wouldn’t play the fool again. I politely went online to my cell phone account and blocked his number. There was nothing more for us to talk about.

I reached out to a guy that I had great chemistry with but was instructed to walk away from. After praying, I knew that he wasn’t the right guy for me and it would be nothing more than a temporary relationship to pass the time and that’s not what I was interested in. Instead of explaining that to him, I simply disappeared. He didn’t reach out to find out why, but 5 months later, I sent him a text apologizing for just leaving without explanation.

I did miss him as a friend and still had feelings for him. It was good that I did let go because shortly after he got an amazing offer for a job on the other side of the country that he wouldn’t turn down. That would have been heartbreaking for me. I don’t regret walking away because I did it out of obedience, but I could have gone about it better. I know how it feels to have someone walk away without explanation.

10 09 2014
dbaham

Thanks so much for commenting!

You bring up a great point about the different reasons in which someone can decide to reach back out to a person. It could be habit like with the first guy or genuinely missing the person in your life and wanting to make amends about the way in which you left things like in your second scenario.

But I think we tend to know by the way the person reaches out which category they fall into. You sent the guy an apology. To me, that shows sincerity.

Also, I completely understand the struggle of obeying God when you’re being told to let someone go. It can be so hard! But I’m glad you were able to see and understand why at a later date. And I’m glad that you recognized you could have handled it better and acknowledged that.

Was the guy understanding?

11 09 2014
JaneDoe

To be honest, obeying was not hard to do this time around. I’ve had too many times when I didn’t listen to God when He said “Walk away” and the associations/relationships ended horribly. They led to some of the worst time of my life and had me on the verge of suicide once. To me, there was no “What If” because God wasn’t a part of the “What If” because He had already told me “no”.

However, I did feel that I could have handled it better. Once I sent the text, he called me maybe 3 minutes later, but I didn’t answer. I wasn’t playing games, but I knew that there was no way he would understand unless I spoke to him in person. He joked a little about not forgiving me, and to be honest I don’t know if he has. When we did see each other after the apology he did speak and every time we tried to talk someone would interrupt. I tried calling him and I couldn’t get through and he tried calling me and for some odd reason I was never in a position to talk. I believe that maybe we weren’t meant to reconnect on that level, but maybe he needed the apology. And it some ways I needed to do it as well because I wasn’t content hurting a true friend. I think it brought closure to us both. Yes, at times I miss him. But the memories will have to suffice.

15 09 2014
dbaham

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I can say that I’m definitely at a point where obedience is easier for me as well, but that wasn’t always the case. I can be a little hard headed lol. But I’m glad to hear how your walk has helped you.

I think you’re right though. You both probably needed for you to give the apology for different reasons. And now it’s not something weighing on your heart. I would assume that probably helps in moving on as well.

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