Argue with Me… #SoIKnowItsReal???

28 10 2014

There’s a scene in one of my favorite shows, Grey’s Anatomy, where Meredith and Derek get into a really heated argument. Because Meredith isn’t used to being in a relationship, she assumes that the argument is an indicator that she and Derek have broken up. So when Derek shows up at her door like normal, she’s super confused. She’s all like, “didn’t we have a heated argument today?” He says yes. She says (and I’m paraphrasing the rest because I don’t remember it verbatim), “I thought that meant we broke up.” He says, “No, it just means I didn’t like you at that moment. But we’re in a relationship. We’re going to disagree. Couples argue, Meredith. We’re a couple.”

Oop. He got her straight!

But actually, full disclosure, he got me straight too.

You see, I found myself in a similar situation earlier this year. I got into a heated “discussion” with a guy I’m dating, and before I realized what I was doing, I’d assumed that meant we were done. I was sending angry memes to my friends (because I don’t put them on social media lol) like the one that says “I tripped and fell into some feelings. I’m okay now. I brushed that shit off.”

I was all “if this is too complicated for you, just say it. Just say it!”

I mean, I was really done y’all.

And then we talked again, and I realized — wait, this dude still thinks we’re dating. I mean, I was really sitting there like, “but didn’t we just have this horrible row, how could he still think we’re dating?” And that’s when it hit me — I’d fallen into that same trap Meredith had fallen into. The one that would have you believe if you disagree, that automatically means you’re over.

Really, when you think about it, it’s kind of easy to think that. At least I can see how it happened for me. You see, for the past several years, I’ve been involved in relationships or dating situations that never lasted past the 6 month mark. Why that is the case is for another post, but what I realized about those relationships is that there was no sense of investment there. So of course if we got into a really bad argument, it was easy to just end it.

And that’s exactly what happened.

Maybe it didn’t end in that specific fight, but if it didn’t, it was pretty soon thereafter.

Which brings me back to the fight earlier this year. Because of all those other experiences, I believed the same thing was happening then too. And like Meredith, I had to reconfigure my mindset to allow for disagreements that don’t mean the end. Because Derek was right, couples do argue.

It’s like this saying I used to hear growing up – you know you’re in a real relationship when you have your first fight and you make it through it. Now I understand. Of course, you shouldn’t fight all the time. And it shouldn’t be with the intent to hurt the other person, but disagreements are bound to happen between two individuals who have their own beliefs and their own experiences.

It’s just a matter of how you react to the fight that tells you whether or not you think the relationship is worth continuing.

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Ever Thine. Ever Mine. Ever Ours.

10 06 2014
Photo: Flickr.com

Photo: Flickr.com

“My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved. I can live only wholly with you or not at all. Be calm my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Oh continue to love me; never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.” ~ Beethoven

Every once in a while, the hopeless romantic in me sprouts up, and I get these thoughts of romantic gestures that would surely sweep me up in a balloon of ecstasy if they were to come from my future beloved. Such was the case when I remembered recently how much I loved the notion of writing little love letters to your partner when I saw it in the original Sex and the City movie (the good one).

We all remember the scene, right? (Well, if you saw the movie, of course.) Carrie and Big are laying in bed together, and she’s reading a book entitled  “Love Letters of Great Men: Volume 1.” She goes on to explain to him that it’s research for her new book, one that will be about what to do once you’ve found love, since her last one was all about finding love. And then comes the moment when she begins to read some of the letters. First there’s one from Napoleon, which Big jokingly dismisses as being due to his height. Then she reads an excerpt from Beethoven. And as the music begins to swell, you can just tell this is supposed to be a pivotal moment in their storyline. “Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours,” she reads, pausing slightly after every two words. Spoiler alert, the moment absolutely becomes very important for them.

But before it does, still in that moment, Carrie turns to Big and asks him if he’s ever written her a love letter. I’m sure she knows the answer, because I mean, who writes love letters these days, right? But her question made me think about just how lovely it would be to get something like that from someone I’m in love with. Not someone I’m just dating — because that’s simply too much for that situation — but someone I’m hopelessly, madly, irresistibly, passionately, undeniably in love with? Yea, I’d absolutely swoon to find a note from him while getting dressed one day. Or to go through my mail and while sifting through bills and coupons, come upon a surprise handwritten letter from him. Or to find it in my email like Carrie does.

I’m guessing part of the allure for me would be that it does seem like such an old school way to profess your love for someone. It has vintage power in it. And it’s also very intentional. It could be the writer in me (it probably is), but I always feel like putting pen to paper or taking the time to type something out elicits a certain amount of purposefulness behind your action. Sure, I can tell you I love you, but if I write a love letter…. then you really #knowitsreal. No?

Anyway, that’s my hypothetical hopelessly romantic gesture that I’d love to have happen one day. Do you all have any?? And is this basically the old school equivalent of the Aaliyah Four Page Letter? Because I don’t want that; I want Voltaire type stuff lol.