Waiting with Bated Breath

26 11 2014

You’d think I would be done getting to this point.

I thought I was.

I thought I was cynical enough that I wouldn’t be surprised or heartbroken. And yet, there I was Monday evening, waiting, knowing full well the result — that they would decide not to indict Darren Wilson for killing Michael Brown, for slaughtering him in the streets and letting his body lay on the ground for 4.5 hours.

How could you not know the result, right? All the tea leaves were there. They kept putting off the announcement like a man avoiding a conversation with his girl when he knows he’s wrong. They called for the National Guard to assist them. They waited 50-11 days to let us know the decision. You don’t do all that to say, “yes, there will be a trial.”

Still, I waited.

I waited with less than 1% of hope that this country would surprise me. I waited knowing differently, but hopeful. Past the initial 6pm est promise and past 9pm est.

And when I walked into my place at 9:29pm and turned on MSNBC, I wasn’t shocked to see Bob McCulloch saying what I already know he would say. I was exhausted. And hurt.

Tired of letting that 1% of hope shatter my whole heart. Hurt because I know to so many people Michael Brown might as well have been an animal. They certainly don’t see him as a human being, as an American, as a frightened child knowing he was about to die by the hands of a man sworn to protect him.

Exhausted because Michael Brown is but one of many. He, as his own person, shouldn’t be forgotten in the midst of people working to create and support the movement. But he is certainly not alone.

My heart breaks for his family and his friends. My heart aches for the mothers and fathers who fear for their sons. I weep for the soul of this country and its citizens. But I still am not shocked. I’m not surprised there are those who don’t get the anguish; they’ve never had to worry about their son, daughter, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, love one walking out the door and being killed just because of who they are.

I’m not shocked that ABC reportedly paid that officer (I refuse to type his name anymore) $500,000 to tell his side of the story. I am not surprised.

I am exhausted.

I am filled with sorrow.

I am trying to pray my way out of these feelings, but I am not not hopeful that will change. I am not hopeful this country will change.

They took away my 1% Monday evening.

It’s all gone.

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4 responses

26 11 2014
bpcharles

Ugh. Girl. I almost threw something at the television, I was so pissed. And just like you said, I knew what the Prosecutor was going to say. All we really can do is pray.

26 11 2014
dbaham

You know what’s crazy? I wasn’t even angry. I’m too tired of it all to be angry. But I do agree, prayer is the only thing that will get us all through this. Well, that and remembering to be thankful for the time we have on this earth with people in our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving Brenda! Hope it’s a great one!

30 11 2014
JaneDoe

There definitely needs to be talk for young men and those that are “protecting and serving” these areas. And it all starts with respect on both sides which I believe a lot are lacking.

Prayer changes things and we all have to start with ourselves and how we choose to react.

1 12 2014
dbaham

Prayer definitely changes things. I was reminded of that at church this weekend.

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