I have a personal plea that I have to get off of my chest, y’all.
Do you know what’s even less sexy than Rick Ross boobs on a man?
Than 50-year old men who still wear braids?
Thank over 25-year old men who think Four Loko is a viable drinking option?
Men wearing mandals.
I know, I know — some of you are thinking “but men need to let their twinkle toes breathe too!”
Nah. Nope. They Don’t.¹
I’m not saying you have to wear Timberlands in the summer, but as for me and mine, there’s no easier way for my Little Mermaid to dry up than to be in mid-scan of a guy and notice dude is rocking the latest mandals with his outfit.
Actually, that’s not true. He could rock a mandal with a slingback, which is about as quick a turn off as a tear drop tattoo for me. You’re both obviously prone to bad decision-making as far as I’m concerned.
You know why mandals are so bad? Because they just scream 60 year old man who’s said eff it. Now, at 60, you may very well feel that way. My grandpas wear mandals all the time, but they’re both 83 and are notorious non-f*ck givers.
Dude who’s 35 — you have no excuse!
When I see mandals, I immediately picture that you must also have a kango hat, a really loose fitting linen suit, and some gators in your closet somewhere. Basically, I envision you being way too comfortable at the Zanzibar.²
And that just will. not. do.
So please, fellas, this is my official plea — stahp the madness.
I’m all for you getting your pedicure or body scrub on to keep your feet looking nice — just keep that showcasing for when we’re at home and you’re walking around barefoot.
In exchange, I’ll promise to only wear my Birkenstocks at home too.
Please note — nothing in this post applies to Idris Elba. I’m aware he likes to rock a mandal every once in a while, but Idris is so damn fine that he got Taraji to open the door for his stranger arse in the middle of the night (in that upcoming movie). And I don’t know any black woman in the history of black women who open their doors for strangers.
1 Although Addidas slip-ons and flip flops are alright. I’d still much rather you wear some boat shoes or sneakers, though, for your casual look.
2 Shout out to my DC folk who got that reference!