One of the things that has gotten a bad rap over the years is the idea of figuring out what is most important to you in a relationship. On the surface, that seems wise, right? It’s similar to how we approach interning in college — some of them are meant to show you what you want in your career and some are meant to show you what you absolute do not want. Either way, you begin to create a list in your mind of what makes you happy in a job. Over time, though, some times folks have gone too far with this concept and created lists the size of encyclopedias for relationships that no one on this Earth could possibly live up to. And thus birthed this stereotype that if you do have a list of wants, you’re looking for the perfect person or someone who doesn’t know what the word flexible means.
Yet, even with the bad reputation it’s received in the past, I tend to believe there’s a great benefit to knowing what you do and don’t want for yourself. There’s a balance, of course. I’m not saying that you become this stringent person that will only date men over 6’4 who have a graduate degree or higher and have been to at least 3 other countries.
But it’s good to take what you’ve learned from past relationships and to be able to apply it to the future, understanding what works for you and what doesn’t. For example, I’ve learned that I am most happy when me and my guy have a relationship where we support and push each other in whatever goals we’re reaching for at that moment. And I have no desire to be with a guy who puts me on a pedestal and makes me his sole goal in life.
These are things that are good for me to know going forward so I don’t waste either of our time. But I probably wouldn’t list them as most important. No, for that I’d need to dig a bit deeper.
Now, there are a lot of great qualities that could be listed as “most important” when one thinks about what they want in their future boo and/or relationship. Things like trust, for example. Or for the person to have the same belief system as you. Openness. The ability to make you laugh. Kindness. Respect. Etc… And all of those are great and very important.
But I’ve found that the most important quality I need/want in a relationship is for my guy to be one of my best friends. For me, that encompasses all the rest of those qualities and more. It means that we can laugh together about nothing, we have fun with each other, we’re always honest, we trust each other, we give unconditional support, we inspire each other, we respect each other, we’re there for each other even if we don’t necessarily agree with each other, we love each other, we don’t take ourselves too seriously, but we can have serious conversations where we learn from each other, we bring out the best in each other, we enjoy spending time with each other, we don’t expect each other to be perfect, but we know our lives our better when they include each other and so much more. If we’re best friends in the truest definition of that word, for me, all those other qualities that everyone says they want fall into place anyway.
At least that’s how it is with my best friends. We do all those things together anyway, and mean all those things to each other as well. In fact, I’ve been blessed with some pretty amazing best friends, and sue me, what I think I want more than anything right now is to eventually be able to include my guy on that list. For as one of my friends recently said, “relationships and attraction go through cycles, but if you can come back to the foundation of friendship, you can get through anything.”
What do you all think? Is there a quality that’s most important for you in a relationship? If so, what is it and why?