Revisiting My Love Languages

31 01 2014
I'm trying to strengthen folks' hearts out here... get it? hahah... okay, nevermind. Photo: www.personal.psu.edu

I’m trying to strengthen folks’ hearts out here… get it? hahah… okay, nevermind. Photo: http://www.personal.psu.edu

A few years back, I did a post about my experience in taking the famed Love Languages test. And if you’ve never heard about the Love Languages — it’s basically a theory that most people express or feel love in one of five ways: through Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and/or Receiving Gifts. Now, the story of my experience went like this — I’d gone to Richmond to spend time with two of my favorite girls, and in the midst of us talking about a host of different things, we all decided it would be fun to take two of the Love Languages tests: on couples and on friends/families. What I didn’t say at the time was that in March 2011, I was still kind of dealing with the fact that things did not work out with Jake or the blogger and had basically regressed back to cutting off my emotions when it came to dating. In fact, if you randomly have a bunch of time on your hands, go back to that time period on my blog. You’ll notice that all the posts are very generic. Mostly because I didn’t want to talk about what was going on with me… like at all.

Well, fast forward back to the test and crazy enough (or not really), my results were drastically different for the way I felt loved from my friends/family and the way I felt love from guys I dated. In fact, my highest love language in a relationship was Words of Affirmation and my highest for friends/family was Quality Time.

To wit:

I found out that what I value and give regarding appreciation and love is different amongst my family/friends and my partner. For example, while physical touch is very important to me in a couple relationship, it’s not as important with my family and friends.

On the surface, that may seem a bit strange, but in reality – it makes sense. I’ve spoken before about the importance of cuddling, holding hands and things like rubbing my hair/head in a relationship. Yet, when it comes to my family and friends, friends most especially, I tend to equate physical touch with sadder times. Like when a friend goes to give you a hug because you look like you’re about to cry. Because I don’t like crying, and a hug in that moment would only spur on the crying, the physical touch becomes something I steer away from.

However, Quality Time is essential to my family/friend relationships.

How depressing is that excerpt? I mean, gosh. I basically admitted I didn’t want anyone to touch me!!

Well recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about both of our dating situations, and I casually made the statement that I think time spent together has gotten to be something that’s so much more meaningful for me with everyone. And that’s so true — I’ve grown to appreciate the time I spend with people so much more in my older years (ha!). In dating, with my friends, and especially with my family. Don’t get me wrong — I still like my “me time” where I can dance the night away, but I also really cherish the time I get to spend with the people I care about and who I’ve chosen to keep in my life.

Now this could be for a variety of reasons, but my best guess is that it’s a combination of not having a whole lot of free time and so therefore growing to understand that if I want to spend the free time I have with you, it must mean I really like you and coming to grips with the fact that tomorrow really isn’t promised for any of us. I’ve mentioned to you all that I have a dear friend who battles her disease constantly, but she’s not my only reminder. My time spent with my grandparents this Christmas was a reminder. The time I spend skype-ing with my nieces and nephew or with my godchildren — those are reminders. Just being in the presence of my friends when I’ve had a long week — that’s a reminder. Oh and this… yeah, it’s a reminder too.

So after our talk over some very good pizza and wine, I randomly decided to go home and take the test again. Something kept eating at me and made me want to see if I’d changed as much as I thought I had in the last 3 years. And wouldn’t you know it — I took the tests and got completely different answers! This time, and clearly this is no shocker after the last few paragraphs, my highest love language was quality time with physical touch following not too far behind it and actually the same two but switched were my answers for friends/family. So while I wasn’t shocked by my answers, it definitely showed me how far I’d grown… no longer needing words to validate my relationships (nttawt), but appreciating the time I spend with folks. And no longer being afraid of the vulnerability that comes with physical touch, even to the point of actually wanting it!

Well, I’ll be…!!

Anyway, have any of you ever taken any of the tests? If so, were you surprised by your results? And have you ever tried taking it again years later? I’d be willing to bet your answers might change like mine did.

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3 responses

26 03 2014
Tearing Off the Mask | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] I mean, heck, I didn’t even want anyone to hug me, remember? When I think about that fact now, it blows my mind just to know how closed off I’d let myself become. […]

20 05 2014
The Sanctity of Time | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] I recently re-took the Love Languages test and found that my top languages had switched so that now quality time and physical touch lead the pack by miles. This is no coincidence, because what I’m learning (through watching friends battle […]

18 11 2014
What’s Hugs Got to Do with It | Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] I really believe in the power of hugs now y’all. Annnnnnnd physical touch became one of my top love languages! Who would have […]

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