Do We Really Want Our SO to be Friends with Our Friends?

4 12 2013
They look like such great friends, but are they? Photo: http://threestepdating.com

They look like such great friends, but are they?
Photo: http://threestepdating.com

“Tell your friends to get with my friends and we could be friends. Sh*t, we could do this every weekend. Is that alright with you?” — Puffy/ Big Poppa

One deal breaker I’ve heard many guys and girls mention over the years is if they meet someone who doesn’t get along with their friends. Now, if it is one person who doesn’t like the potential significant other (SO), no sweat – but if that person doesn’t get along with anyone (!), the guy or girl eventually starts looking at him/her with the ultimate side eye.

This makes sense in some way if you think about it because unlike family, we all choose our friends and probably spend a lot of time with them. So I can see how it would be concerning and frankly, disappointing if no one in your crew was feeling ol’ boy or chickadee. Especially if you’re like me and hope that your significant other will not only be your lover, but also be one of your best friends. But, I also think we tend to take our hope for the SO and our friends further than just them getting along. We all also tend to want them to be able to be friends with our friends. For what’s better than being able to hang with your guy, your friends, his friends, and everyone is having the time of their lives, right? Not much, I’m sure.

The question though is can it truly be done? Or are we inadvertently setting these folks up for failure with an expectation that they’ll never actually be able to meet?

And do we actually really want them to be friends (like we say) or is it that we want them to all be great hang-out buddies who really enjoy each others’ company, but don’t actually engage with each other unless we are around? If we’re honest, I bet most people would say the latter. For several reasons. The two biggest probably being to a) eliminate any acts that may seem out of pocket, and b) to avoid the splitting of friends if things go wrong between the two of you.

Now, I get it. I’m just as much a victim of saying I’d love everyone to be friends as well. Along with my visions of sugar plums, I dream about laughing and joking with my guy and our friends, all in one big happy friend family. I say things like “I want him to be my best friend, but I also want him to consider my friends his as well.” I joke with my friends about situations in the future when we’ll all be married and taking couple trips together — all friends, no awkwardness surrounding anything. But, even with all that being the case, I’m still not sure it’s really possible under the true sense of the word friends. Acquaintances? Associates? People who really like each other? Yes, yes, and yes!

But friendship implies that you will also be comfortable with your SO having conversations with your girl friends without you around. That you won’t think twice when he says, “oh baby I was texting such and such today and you won’t believe what she said.” Can that happen? Sure! Some of my closer friends are actually couples in which I’m legitimately friends with both the guy and girl. But does it happen as often as we profess to want it to happen? Probably not.

What are your thoughts on the whole friends with his/her friends thing? Let’s talk. And if you do think it’s a good idea, do you think there a boundaries that need to be set in place to eliminate any chances of a situation like what happened with Tony Parker and his homie’s wife?

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4 responses

4 12 2013
29tolife

I’m down for everyone being cool, getting along and fairly comfortable with one another when everyone is all together, but not besties. It’s creepy to me. I’d never call a friend’s SO, unless a birthday or something like that is being planned and I expect the same kind of behavior of my friends and SO. And if it does end, it’s a weird thing. I’m glad I was just cool enough with most of my exes friends. Because I didn’t feel like I was losing a whole group of good friends too.

4 12 2013
dbaham

Yea, I think I agree with you. I have a few experiences where I’m friends with both because I knew both prior to them getting together and a friendship grew with them separately and now works as a group — but I do think a lot of folks may feel uncomfortable to have their friends be too close to their SO.

And yet, I can tell you from experience that when you and your SO share friends, it makes coordinating outings and such so much easier and fun for all involved. On the back end though, it was hard for me when things didn’t work out and we still saw each other because we kept those same friends.

Basically, it’s a sticky situation LOL

4 12 2013
brenda

You beat me to it. I was contemplating writing a post about how hubby does not like one of my friends but yours is way better. I have been buddy-buddy with a few of my friends SO and for one couple when my relationship with the wife soured (she was the original friend) i lost two friends PLUS it was hella awkward when he was trying to call my phone to patch things up. I would like my husband to love all of my friends and for the most part he likes them fine. The few that he has raised concerns with have actually turned out to be what he said unfortunately. I can settle with us all being able to ki-ki without major blowouts. He doesn’t need to be on the phone with my girls. Thats a negative.

4 12 2013
dbaham

Brenda! lol… you can definitely still write your post. I love to see different perspectives on topics that interest me.

It’s so awkward when that happens right? The only thing I can kind of compare it to is when you date a friend and things sour. To me, that’s always hurt more because I feel like I’ve lost two people in my life — my boyfriend/SO AND my close friend! And it sucks… same thing when things go sour with a friend’s SO that you’ve become friends with.

I don’t know how I would handle things if that happened with the folks I’m friends with now. I might just sit in a corner and cry for a bit lol

But it definitely seems to be a bit of a consensus that you all want everyone to get along, but not be too close. I just wonder how that works though? If everyone is really hanging out a lot and enjoying each others’ company, doesn’t that naturally lead to becoming real friends? Or do you think we’ve been socialized (for the most part) enough to know that a friendship with a friend’s SO just has to have boundaries. Period.

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