Are the Butterflies to be Trusted?

3 06 2013
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Photo Credit:

“How can one be down? Tell me where to start, cuz every time you smile, I feel tremors in my heart. I have but one concern – how can I get with you? ‘Til my day comes, here’s what I’m gon’ do…” – Brandy, Sittin’ Up In My Room

I was always that girl sitting around writing in my diary or notebook when I was younger. I’d write about everything I could think of – how my parents were sooo unfair, how I really wanted to go to some party, and of course, how much I liked whatever guy was on my mind at that time.

Yep, that’s right – I was all about the crush back in the day. And if you ever had a chance to look in my diary or notebook, you would have seen that I was also definitely that girl who would try out her first name with her crushes’ last names to see how it fit.

Darby Cotton

Darby Lewis

Darby Welch

Darby Boudreaux

On and on, the list would go – though usually not at the same time. I was serious about my crushes, and the fact that I was lucky enough to end up dating¹ most of them only made them that much more serious in my eyes.

The crush factor would eventually grow into what I now call the butterfly effect – that fluttering feeling that happens in your stomach when you really like someone. It can also show up in the way you’re unable to control your smile from forming when his or her name is mentioned or in the way that a mere “hi” from him can make your whole day that much brighter. I’ve had my fair share of those as an adult as well, and honestly – for the longest time, I based a lot of my relationships on whether or not I had that butterfly feeling.

If I didn’t, I learned that despite my best intentions – it probably meant the guy and I weren’t going to last very long. But if I did – oh boy! I would stick around through some of the stupidest ish imaginable, relying on just that feeling to keep me going, thinking about the next time our lips would touch or I’d get the chance to nestle in his arms. The butterflies themselves weren’t bad, but I soon realized that that thrill of having butterflies for whatever guy was around was really powerful and sometimes led me down bad paths. Who could blame me, right? There’s something so magical about liking someone so much they make you want to twirl around your living room or call your best friends up right after a date and tell them every. single. detail. There’s an excitement that can’t be duplicated when this happens – and if you’ve had it before, it’s disappointing when you don’t feel that way about someone else. It makes you want the thrill again.

But the problem with the butterflies is that they haven’t always helped me choose the best guys, either. The butterfly effect has had me dating someone for months, waiting for him to kiss me – only for him to eventually say that he was only looking for friendship at the time. It’s enticed me into dating a younger guy who lived far away from me (and who I only saw maybe 3 or 4 times in person), because when we talked, I was like a giggly high school girl, and that just wasn’t the case about the guy who was a few minutes away. And it’s led me to taking back some exes that, hindsight being 20/20, I probably should have left stay where they were at the time.

And yet, every time I meet a guy, the butterfly test still comes up. How do I feel about him? Does he make me want to lick his teeth? Do my toes curl just thinking about us kissing? Do I find myself randomly day dreaming about him or just wanting to hear his voice? And if I don’t – I find myself asking “then what?” Are the butterflies – something that grew out of a little girl’s crushes – something that I should still be using to base my relationships on? Or are they not to be trusted based on who they’ve come for in the past?

1 Of course, dating in junior high and the beginning of high school mostly just meant that was the person you talked to on the phone every night.




2 responses

3 06 2013

Someone once said to me “follow your heart but use your head.” I think that applies here. I’ve said over and over to you that I don’t think anybody wants to be with a person who doesn’t excite them. So, I think in the beginning the butterfly test is fine. However, at a certain point common sense has to factor into the equation. If he gives you butterflies but is a complete flake are you going to deal with that? If he is a liar but gives you butterflies are you cool with that? Probably not. Butterflies are probably a really good indicator at the beginning if something has potential; however, as things progress I wouldn’t use them as a relationship GPS. I do believe, however, that butterflies (or the tinglies – which is more of what I get, lol) are a MUST at the beginning. They just shouldn’t be an excuse to let a guy act stupid or to put up with foolishness. That is my two cents plus ten.

3 06 2013

The tinglies — I like that lol. And no, you’re right – but I also think it’s a lot easier to say what you won’t put up with BEFORE the butterflies come into play. If it were that easy to drop flakes and liars afterward, you’d never hear of anyone being played for the fool lol. And usually (not always), those damn butterflies are the culprit – not just for me, but for many folks.

But overall, I do agree with your two cents plus ten. Thanks for putting it in the jar haha

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