What I’m Not Ready REALLY Means…

7 03 2012

Have you seen the movie “He’s just not that into you”? I know, I know – I’ll let the few men who read this blog get their proverbial grown out right now… got it? Ok – now let’s move on.

At the beginning of the movie, we’re shown a little girl getting pushed by a little boy and then told that she’s made out of dog poo. Her mom, in her ever present wisdom, tells the little girl that the reason the boy pushed her and called her names was because he liked her and didn’t know how to express those feelings. What’s shown next is a montage of clips of women of all different backgrounds and in all different countries, spouting the same things to their friends when they’re older – stuff like, He likes you too much. He probably just lost your number. He’s intimidated by your professional success. It’s because he’s just getting out of a serious relationship. No wait, it’s because he’s never had a serious relationship. Over and over, the women give excuses for why the man is choosing to not make a serious move with the woman.

And so the narrator asks finally : why do we say this stuff to each other? Is it possible because we’re too scared and it’s too hard to say the one obvious truth, that’s staring everyone in the face?  He’s just not that into you.

What does this have to do with what the phrase, “I’m not ready” means? Everything. Because even though “I’m not ready” can have many variations, it all basically boils down to one thing – “I don’t want you.” (at least not in the way that I think you want me to want you, because I mean I’d still smash, but that’s about it.)

And yet so many women (me included) respond just like in the movie and refuse to see what’s staring us right in our faces. We, really in essence, take it at face value. Therefore, what we hear is that if you’re not ready, it has more to do with timing than it has to do with me. You’re not ready because you have a lot going on. Or you’re not ready because you just got out of a relationship. Or you’re not ready because for whatever reason – you just aren’t interested in being serious with anyone right now. And so we wait.

We wait, and whether we realize it or not… we wait with anticipation that the guy’s readiness will soon come. All the while not admitting that it was a faulty premise to begin with. You see the thing is that we all know that when a guy wants to be with a woman, he just does it. You hang around enough guys and you’ll hear that statement more than enough times. You certainly won’t need a book or a movie to tell you.

Except that it’s so much harder to apply those tenets to your own life. When it comes to our own lives, we find a world of excuses. When really, the truth is still the truth – if he wanted you, nothing could stop him but you. And if he’s not pursuing you, it’s not bad timing. It’s you. He doesn’t like you enough to put in the effort… and that’s what “I’m not ready” really means.

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10 responses

7 03 2012
Eme's mommie

Interesting point…so it doesn’t really matter the reason because the point remains the same..its him…not you and he is not that into you…Just for kicks…Is it the same for women or is this a men only observation. Are women too emotional to be capable of “she’s not that into you” or not?

7 03 2012
V.I.P.

I just had this convo with my BFF yesterday. I’ve been on the side of hearing “I’m not ready” quite a few times and she is the one that actually explained the POV of the person that’s not ready. I think the points you made in this blog are pretty accurate and on point in terms of waiting around thinking the change is gonna come.

7 03 2012
dbaham

You know what? You bring up a very good question. I think it’s probably gender neutral – but I also think you find less women using the statement “I’m not ready” when they’re not as interested in a guy as they’d want to be. All that to say, I don’t think women are too emotional for it at all actually and I’ve heard women say it before (and I’ve probably said it myself, albeit as a means of ending a relationship not stringing one along).

I just think that most people aren’t ready for big changes in their life, but you get ready when something is worth the trouble. If someone is saying I’m not ready for a relationship right now, it just means they don’t think you’re the person that’s worth it enough for them to get ready. And that could be man or woman.

7 03 2012
dbaham

Thanks V.I.P. Care to share some of the things your BFF mentioned from the other side?

I will say this in the meantime, I don’t think that when people say “I’m not ready,” they’re trying to come up with an excuse. I think in your head it’s a nice way of letting someone down and you may even believe it to be true – but there’s a small part of you that knows if it were someone else, your response would probably be different.

2 02 2013
lissa

This is a very interesting article. I think the term “I’m not ready” can mean many different things. I’ve used that line when a guy was pressuring me sexually and I didn’t want to be pressured although I really liked the guy. It all came down to experience. In all, I think the term can have many different meanings.

4 02 2013
dbaham

Thanks for the comment, Lissa! You’re definitely right about the phrase having several different meanings. This post attempted to speak mostly to when it’s used in the context of someone saying he or she is not ready for a relationship, specifically.

18 05 2013
Ajasha Long

Wow! I love this. You were straight forward

22 05 2013
dbaham

Thanks!!!

3 12 2013
maris

It could also mean he wants to get know you better. Than maybe date you later

4 12 2013
dbaham

That’s very possible, but in my experience, if that’s the case – that’s what he’ll say. And he’ll make it clear to you as well. Usually the only time a person is vague is when they’re saying something they don’t think you want to hear.

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