There’s a scene in the Lifetime movie, Marry Me, where Lucy Lu’s character asks the guy she’s on a date with why things didn’t work out with the last girl he dated. Simply put, he tells her that it didn’t work out because he wouldn’t take it to the next level. “She wasn’t the one,” he says. When asked how he knew, his response – “C’mon, you just know.”‘
This is a sentiment I’ve heard my guy friends express before and I’ve heard just as many of my girls scoff at. I know you’ve heard it before – the idea that a guy can usually point out whether you’re Ms. Right Now (for him) or Ms. Right (for him) fairly soon into any kind of dating relationship. The season premiere of Queen Latifah’s new show, Single Girls, also briefly discussed this concept, and actually, we have as well on the blog(although, for the life of me – I can’t find it right now. I’ll update the post when I do). Up until recently though, I didn’t fully understand how someone could so easily make that distinction. But now I’m starting to get what a man means when he says he ended things with someone because he didn’t see a future with her (I think ha ha).
Unfortunately, the reality is that as much fun as you may have with someone, as much as you may enjoy spending time with him/her – there comes a point where we all contemplate whether or not this person has the things you need in a lifetime partner. It can be as simple as the fact that you don’t share future goals (maybe you don’t want kids and he does) or as seemingly vague as recognizing that he has an interesting lack of passion for much of anything, but whatever it is – when you realize it, its hits you like a brick. ‘Wow, this can never go any further than where it is now,’ you think.
First Lady, Michelle Obama, recently spoke about what helped her to know that President Obama was a keeper. In a CNN article, she was quoted as saying, “I knew he was a special person. And it had nothing to do with his education, it had nothing to with potential.” In fact, what she saw in him had nothing to do with the things that people make lists about… nothing to do with how much money he makes or what school he went to or whether or not he had any kids before meeting her. It had everything to do with just knowing there was something about him, or as she says, “It was those kind of values that made me think, you don’t meet people like that often.”
It seems so simple, but it was her eureka moment, or in honor of Oprah retiring her show last week, her ‘aha’ moment. Here stood this man who may not have been rich, but he had passion and sympathy. She saw the way he spoke about his family, she saw how much he cared for his community and how much determination he had to do something about what he saw as wrong, and I can only image that she thought to herself at some point ‘if this man loves that strongly, how awesome would it be if I were someone he loved.’
For the men who are wondering, yes – that’s how we think. We spend a day with a guy and his family and notice how great he is with the kids and think ‘my goodness, he’ll make a great dad and husband.’ But typically for us, that moment comes so much later. And honestly, we either have the positive moment or we decide that we don’t like him. Rarely will you hear a woman say, “oh, I like him. I like spending time with him, but ehhhh I can only see this going so far.” But if we’re truly honest, there’s plenty of opportunities for those moments – we just tend not to realize them. How many times have you been spending time with a guy and you realize he’s fun and funny, but I don’t think I would ever want to bring him home to my parents? Or if things went sour in a week, I’d be alright. That right there is a clue – he’s Mr. Right Now.
So what may come off as crass initially when a guy admits that he only sees you as Ms. Right Now is really just that guy recognizing that moment and being honest. I think if a lot more of us were honest and spent less time trying to turn Mr. Right Now’s into Mr. Right’s, we’d be a lot happier and wouldn’t be expecting rings from guys who have no intention of putting them on our fingers.