A couple weekends ago, I had a very interesting conversation with Pimp C about dating and the ways that we (by we, I mean, women) go about dating. Our consensus was that there are two basic philosophies one can follow when dating: 1) date multiple people at one time and let nature take its course in showing you who or if any of them should stick around for a longer amount of time*, or 2) date only one person at a time, giving that person your fully, undivided attention.
That’s not the interesting part, though.
What we discussed and learned about ourselves was that even in times when we claimed we were following the first philosophy, our desire was really and truly in following the second. For example, you could be dating three guys at one time, but if you call two of them “distractions” and one of them, “your baby”… chances are, you’re physically following the first philosophy, but mentally and emotionally following the second. In this situation, the other 2 guys don’t realistically have a chance in your eyes, they’re just mechanisms to keep you from falling for the one you really want too soon. And thus, you’re not actually letting nature take its course in showing you who should stick around.
I can admit that I’ve done that before. Heck, I can admit that I’m probably doing that now… but, the question is – how does one go about changing her (or his, for my male readers out there who may have a similar problem) dating philosophy OR should you even try to change it at all?
You could argue that your dating philosophy is a reflection on how you view relationships. If you’re a person who loves hard, it may not be as easy for you to date more than one person at a time. I’m not saying you won’t try, but that whole succeeding thing might be difficult. And if you are a person who loves hard, should you have to force yourself to date multiple people just so that you don’t feel like you wasted your time in a relationship if it happens to go wrong?
Questions… so many questions.
In the reverse argument of that, maybe the reason you love so hard is because you’ve never allowed yourself to “play the field,” so to speak. You find one guy, you realize that you like him, and whether subconsciously or consciously, you start planning little details like whether or not your first name will fit with his last before you’ve even gone on your third date. One could argue that if you were dating more than one person, you might not fall so fast for that one guy who makes you smile. Heck, you’ve got three guys who make you smile!
Per usual, I think I’m on the fence of both (and that’s not necessarily a good thing… actually I’m pretty sure it’s a bad thing, really, but hey – what can you do lol). The only other time that I’ve dated multiple guys at one time was in 2007 when I’d genuinely met 4 guys I was interested in and genuinely was giving all 4 a chance, or at least I thought I was. It didn’t take long, though, before 4 got weeded down to 1, and in a month’s time… I found myself right back in dating philosophy #2. That wasn’t a bad thing, per se, but the process happened a lot quicker than one might normally think for someone who was truly following the “I’m doing my thang, just having fun, and seeing where the wind blows” philosophy.
The truth is that in less than a month’s time, I’d gone from being attracted to four guys, enjoying conversations with four guys, and making plans with four guys, to only having eyes for one. If I were really following the first dating philosophy, I would have kept dating the other guys, right? But I didn’t… I felt that I couldn’t. I only wanted to get to know him. And I wasn’t being honest with myself – I was a #2 philosophy girl perpetrating as a #1.
As for now, I’m working on being a #1 philosophy girl**… I’m meeting different people and letting things develop as they will. But there’s a part of me that knows that, in truth, I’m always going to be a #2 philosophy girl. Even when I’m dating multiple people, there’s always going to be just that one guy who brings out the school girl in me just by seeing his name come up on my phone or by hearing his ring tone, and while I may have fun with those other guys – they still have no real chance.
What about you all? What’s your dating philosophy? And have you tried to alter it… does that work? Or are you like a dog trying to chase his tail; just looking stupid and tiring yourself out for no reason. Again, questions… so many questions.
* I think most guys tend to practice this philosophy, I could be wrong… but I wouldn’t bet money that I am. And yes, I know there are exceptions; that’s why I said “most.”
** Before anyone asks, I’m working on this because I think my college “dating life” and the couple years right after have put me behind in actual dating experience. I’ll go into this further in a post coming soon, but needless to say – there’s a part of me that feels that right now, I should be dating as many people as possible so that I can really get a sense of what I do and don’t want out of relationships. Then there’s the other part that gets giggly when I hear There Goes my Baby by Usher playing on my phone. le sigh…