Last weekend, I had the pleasuuuure of moving into my own place. And by pleasure, I mean I was subjected to the horrible come-ons of one of the movers for almost 2 hours. Literally, every 5 minutes or so, the guy would find something that I was too pretty to do. “Don’t pick that up, you’re too pretty to hurt your back.” Since I had on my ugly foot boot thing from hitting my foot the week before, I was hit with “Be careful where you walk, you’re too pretty to have two bum feet.” Oh and don’t forget, “You don’t wear a lot of make-up, huh? I can tell, you’re too pretty to do that.” On and on, this man went. At first I tried to laugh it off (mostly because I didn’t want him to get angry and drop any of my boxes), but seriously, I was starting to feel like the guy was spending more time trying to hit on me than he was moving my stuff!
And that was not okay.
After the movers had left, I laughed about it with my old roommate and we reminisced on some of the worst lines we’ve ever heard from guys before. Incidentally, many of them have come in our apartment complex… but here are a few notables.
- “Say girl, I’m not trying to own you – I’m just trying to phone you.” This was a man standing on the corner on the Waterfront in DC, rolling a blunt – and yes, it was at 4pm on a Saturday.
- “Who’s the lucky man in your life; other than God, of course?” This was actually the same day as the movers, so for some reason a v-neck tshirt, some shorts, a messy bun, and that ugly boot thing was really doing it for the mens that day lol
- “hmmm I like ’em long-haired, thick, red-bone.” This guy decided he would try to holla at me on U Street and use a Lil’ Wayne verse to help him out. Now, I know some folks believe there’s a Wayne line for every occasion, but trying to get a girl’s attention probably isn’t the best time to bust out your favorite Young Money verse. Not to mention, I am neither long-haired nor a red-bone. hmph.
- “My number is 202…” My “favorite” security guard in my building has taken to shouting out random things to get me to go on a date with him recently. It started off innocently enough. I’m walking past and I say “have a goodnight.” He says, “Let me take you out this weekend.” And somehow it has progressed every time I see him, to the point that the man just started shouting his number at me the other day. No sir. Please stop.
- “If you were my woman, I’d have you in heels and a thong at all times.” I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this one before on here, but I don’t think anyone has ever frightened me and disgusted me at the same time in one sentence before on the metro lol.
Anyway, here’s the thing about the one-liner. With the right line and the right guy; it can be cute – and more importantly, it can make the woman laugh and give you a possible in. I assume that’s why so many men ask me if I have any food in there for them whenever I’m carrying some type of meal in my hand, even if it’s a bag of chips or something. You want to get the woman’s attention. I get that. But ohhhhhh, the wrong line and/or the wrong guy – and it can just go sooo wrong. And usually it does – I really can’t remember the last guy who piqued my interest with a one-liner.
Now I’m not one to talk. I wouldn’t know the first thing about approaching a man without some liquid courage, but there’s got to be a better way than you saying, “I think you’re 26 or 27, because I’m 26 and I want you to be around my age.” Really?! You have got to come better than that. Even Darren Sharper would get laughed out of my apartment with that foolishness.*
What about you all? What are some of the worst one-liners you’ve ever heard? And men – do these ever work for you? Really???
*Wait – who am I kidding? Darren Sharper would never be asked out of my apartment. ever. He could be practicing interceptions on my new white comforter and I would just make sure I put stain guard on that piece. Someone tweet that to him. CCB? lol