“I have a boyfriend…and yes, that means I can’t/ don’t have friends…”

2 08 2010

… and 4 other things women say to men they’re not interested in.

*Sidenote: The title was really long but necessary.*

The other day, this man I work with discreetly walked up to me (in the midst of one of my all day enrichment sessions that I coordinated throughout the month of July) to tell me how he’s been meaning to ask me on a date for months. Bad timing aside, the dude was nice enough and didn’t come at me foolishly, but I just wasn’t interested. At. All. So what did I do? Told him I was dating someone already – you know, as a sort of nice way to let him down.

“Oh ok,” he replied. “Well, does he let you have friends?” Sigh. This question always irks the hell out of me, because what do you mean does he LET me have friends? And if I’m telling you that I’m seeing someone, doesn’t that already imply I’m not trying to cheat on him because I wouldn’t have been so open with you from the beginning or would have said something to let you know that I was okay with cheating, right? But anyway, I kept my composure and simply said that I was really into the guy and wanted to see where it could go so I had no desire to date or “be friends” wit anyone else.

He took the rejection gracefully at first, or so I thought… until he proceeded to try and make passes at me the next few times I saw him. Finally, I had to sternly tell him that, sir I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m not interested. He clearly hadn’t gotten the hint before, so all that was left was the blunt truth.

Unfortunately, this situation happens a lot in life to women and men all around the world. We get so caught up in trying to be nice and not let someone down harshly that we fail at actually achieving the point – letting them down. Here’s four other examples of ways that a woman will try (and usually fail) at rejecting a guy who she doesn’t want to bomb out because he wasn’t rude to her.

“I’m working on me right now.”

There’s 2 major problems with this line: To begin with, the premise is faulty. We’ve all probably been at the point where we’re doing a lot in our lives, making big moves, are in a period of transition, etc… where it would probably be easier to not deal with the stress of a relationship. But c’mon, let’s be real – if Darren Sharper (or the person of your fantasies) approached you during this time, chances are that you wouldn’t tell him, “I’m working on me right now, so we can’t go on a date.” No, you’d find a way to make that shit work. In essence, that line is a cop out, a cop out we’ve all most likely used at one point, but a cop out nonetheless.

The other issue with this line is that it doesn’t achieve the goal you set out to achieve at all, even more so than the rest of the ones below. Most people will not take this as a full on rejection, but more of a timing problem. Timing can be fixed – at least in a lot of people’s eyes. So they’ll just wait and annoy you. It’s better to just say, “I’m not interested enough in you to make the sacrifices I’d need to make to be with you.” Blunt? Yes. Hurtful? Maybe. But I bet you that person would rather hear that then wait 3 months while you continue to come up with niceties for why you’re still soooo busy.

The gradual fall-off

Say you’re friends with a woman and you decide to tell her that you actually would like to progress this relationship past friendship. And then you realize that what was once some kind of contact with her 3 to 4 times a day is now once a day and then 3 times a week and then once a week and then once a month (if you’re lucky). Yea, she wasn’t feeling you in the same way and wasn’t sure quite how to say that without hurting your feelings, which she cares about since y’all are friends.

The gradual fall-off is the ultimate coward move (and I’m saying that as someone who’s done it before). If this person is really the woman’s friend, she should respect him enough to be honest with him – but instead she avoids and avoids and avoids, and eventually loses a friend because the guy didn’t think her “nice” way of blowing him off was very nice at all.

“I just got out of a serious relationship.”

Same as the working on me excuse, this has actually been used as truth before by some people, but often it’s some BS. It may actually be a combination sometimes, such as the folks who may have just gotten out of a serious relationship and are a little sore from love gone wrong. But the truth is, and they know it, if you’re interested in someone, you magically find a way to be less sore.

“I’m moving soon, so I don’t think that we would work out.”

And then you see her dumb ass in the street a month later. Fail.

What do you all think? Did I miss any and have you used any of these excuses before? I know I have… and no, I won’t say which ones lol

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One response

30 08 2010
Mad Men (and Women) « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] Well, you know my stance on this already. Pure Cop-out status. […]

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