Fire and Desire

17 06 2010

You ever have someone in your life who you know isn’t good for you… but he for DAMN sure makes you feel good?! I know I’m not alone here. I don’t mean someone who’s abusive or who treats you badly; maybe he’s just someone who everyone in their mama knows isn’t down for a commitment thing right now. Kinda, like, well… Brody.

Well if you don’t have someone like that – allow yourself to experience it vicariously. Because, at this moment, right now – I definitely do. The funny thing is that last year during the whole 9 in 09 thing, I said I wanted to get with a Brody. Be careful what you ask for, folks. What I should have said was that I wanted to date a Brody one time (one time ONLY), just to have some fun, but not to continue to be in my life. Instead, what has happened is that I am constantly fighting with my two selves: the one who knows that she’s certainly crossed the cut buddy line and therefore to continue having sex with him (as well as spending non-sexual time with him) would just be stupid and the one who wants to tear. his freakin. clothes off!

You think I’m joking.

In a matter of less than seven days, I went through two totally different emotions and had two totally different conversations with him. One minute, I was explaining to him how it was best that he didn’t call me to come over since we knew it would lead to sex (and possibly cuddling) and since we’ve thoroughly hashed out our “I like you, but” conversations, we both knew it wasn’t a good idea and then just 6 days later – it was taking every bit of strength and willpower in me to keep from calling him and telling him to come over. Crazy? Yea, probably.

But the thing is just because I know he’s not good for me, that doesn’t stop the desire. Not when we’ve had enough mind numbing, neighbors know my name type sex that the mere mention of his name soaks the underoos. Something like that will eventually win out in a battle between willpower and desire.

And win out it did this past weekend. Even after having some friends over (partially to keep me from touching the hot stove and partially, because it’s always good to have friends over), I still couldn’t control myself. I wanted to see him. So I called. Yes, that’s right – desire won out that night, but something else helped a sista out. He was sleeping. And luckily, by the time he woke up, saw he missed my call, and returned it – willpower was back in control. (GO Dub Pizzle!!!)

Never mind that he then proceeded to chastise me (half jokingly) for doing what I asked him not to do. The real question is how often can one rely on those types of almost divine interruptions? I’d say, probably not often. Especially, when I am literally drawn to him. sigh. So what’s a girl to do? If it were just about sex, everything would be fine. But sex doesn’t make you think of a guy’s smile randomly during the day, no matter how good it is. And the fact that our chemistry is so off the charts that even when we argue with each other (which we do very often), all it does is make me want to have angry sex with him – yea, that doesn’t help.

I’ve got to get it together guys. No really —– there’s only so much a girl can take. And just in case you’re wondering, yep – I’m fighting the urge to call right now.

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2 responses

1 07 2010
How to get UN-caught up… « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] picture you have of said man and get it made into a dart board. Then, anytime you have the urge to make a call when you shouldn’t… simply take those darts out and start aiming. I haven’t tried this particular method […]

6 10 2013
Dare Stephens

I also want to have it

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