“I’m just a girl… take a good look at me, just your typical prototype. oh ——— I’ve had it up to here!” ~ No Doubt
“And so I would suck up the bitch baby tears and keep writing…” ~ Shonda Rhimes
I have had people call me some pretty amazing things in my life – beautiful, angel, genius, best friend, great writer, etc. This is not to brag, it’s just to point out that I’ve been complimented pretty well before.
I’ve also been called some less stellar things, like crazy bitch, ruthless, cold-hearted, etc.
And I guess in those different experiences, I may have been one of the compliments or one of the insults, or all the above at the very same time.
Because at the end of the day (shout out to Making the Band!), I’m just a girl… A girl who loves fully, who thought she’d never allow herself to be vulnerable again at one point, who lives as a contradiction of quiet furiosity (pretty sure I made that up) and gives her all to the people she cares about. I’m stubborn and still flexible. I don’t like confrontations, but I won’t back down if I really believe I’m right about something. I’m smart, but the more I learn the more I realize how much I don’t know (and I have grammar police friends way more adept at it than me, even though I’m ‘the writer’). I’m just a girl.
And right now I’m a girl, who fell for a boy, who never quite fell for her.
I wasn’t going to say anything. I decided a long time ago that this particular love life excursion wouldn’t make it to the blog or to many of my friends, and for several reasons ranging from not wanting to put pressure on myself to figure something out before I was ready to just wanting to keep something private to not wanting to deal with the disapproval that would inevitably come from well intentioned friends. But you know what? This is my blog – and its about my thoughts on relationships, politics, and shoes. By not writing about this situation, I’ve been doing you all a disservice and whether you believe it or not, I’ve been doing the same thing to me as well.
Part of the reason, in fact, that my posts have either been few and far between or in spurts lately is because I’ve had all these topics I could write about – but then couldn’t because I’d made a decision not to expose this one. We won’t get into a discussion about how the smallest decision can affect so many things right now, but you know it’s there on the tip of my tongue.
Either way, it’s time to divulge.
For the past 3 1/2 months, I’ve been talking to someone from my past. I don’t mean talking in the high school sense, but literally we’ve been talking – on the phone, over text, email, facebook… You name it. And especially in the beginning, there wasn’t much to tell to anyone because well – we were just talking and I hadn’t determined what that meant for me. And even though he’s meant something to me in the past, talking on the phone didn’t necessarily mean he was going to mean something more to me in my present or future.
But then it did begin to mean something to me. I realized that despite my best intentions to keep him at a workable distance, as I mentioned before – I tend to love fully. So before I knew it, the littlest things he did started to put big cheesy goofball smiles on my face. I started wanting to see him and spend time with him and then we spent Easter weekend together. It’s hard to put into words what happened during Easter weekend (and someone called me a great writer, ha!), but needless to say I realized two things during Easter: 1) I liked him (again) in the sense that the idea of spending time with and being with someone else like I was with him appealed to me about as much as taking a rusty knife and dragging it all over my skin, but that 2) the reasons we weren’t together were still reasons (damn Shonda Rimes and Grey’s Anatomy). We still weren’t in the same place mentally and physically… But there was no one else that I wanted to hold me or my hand, no one else that I wanted to laugh with and watch movies… Just him.
And I realized all that before I spent all day Monday with him and his 2 cousins at the White House Easter Egg Roll. Talk about being able to see what a future could possibly be like with him. In case you’re wondering, yes I’m saying that that Monday was a big mistake… A very big mistake.
I think I knew then that was the beginning of the end. Because I could no longer just talk to this man when I was thinking in my quiet thoughts how our life would be if we were to ever get married. And since he and I have never been able to say “I like you” without some qualification afterward, the writing was on the wall. But the few (and it was VERY few) friends that I told of my concerns advised me to just keep it cool, have fun and not over-think everything. Puleaze, I write a blog – I always over-think everything! lol
Anyway, needless to say – things didn’t work out (not before, of course, I gave myself multiple memories of laying in his arms and spending time with him – someone said I was a genius, right?! sigh…). And while I won’t go into the myriad of reasons why, I will say that this is the first time I can truly say that I wish him well without me. And as a girl who loved him fully, I think that’s a big step (no matter what anyone else says).
And now that the purge is over… the writing will commence.