A few weeks ago, I started this post that would be titled, “Tick Tock, Tick Tock” and it was going to be about how some of my friends’ biological clocks were beginning to loudly tick in their heads and that while I could not relate exactly (because, let’s face it – I’m too excited being a godmommy, teetee, and cousin to all the little ones in my life, and that’s more than enough for me right now), I could sympathize with the tick tocking sound – because my own clock was resonating in my head. To be clearer, the post was going to be about how I was at a point in my life where I wanted to start building something with someone… which sounds crazy if you read this post and this post. Here’s how it was supposed to go…
I never knew it would happen to me… in fact, I used to make fun of the women you’d see on TV or the ones you’d read about in magazines, and I’d always say, “Whew, I will NEVER be that woman.” And yet, here I stand (like Usher)… or rather sit ( since I’m typing)… as that woman.
It could be the fact that in the past year, I’ve known over 15 people who’ve gotten married… 4 couples who’ve gotten engaged, and 10 (yes 10!!!!!!!!!!!!) people who’ve married in between the months of September and October 2009 alone… but whatever it is, it’s here. I am her.
And I don’t like it… not one little bit.
And then I stopped. I never finished writing it. That will happen sometimes when I’m writing a post for the future… I’ll start it, come back to it when I have more time, and eventually finish it – but the reason I stopped was different this time. I stopped because something about the post didn’t seem…. right.
And so I came back to it today, and realized what it was. I should say from the start (or rather the middle now lol) that November has come to be a very emotional month for me. I had a tragedy happen with a boyfriend at this time 2 years ago and while I have mostly grown from that experience and certainly don’t regret the time we shared, there are times when the pain of it is excruciating. Not often. Most days I’m fine, most days I’m dealing with other matters or figuring out other situations, focusing on other people – but some days are not good. November is pretty much a month full of not good days.
And if you know me, then you know that means I instinctively retreat. One of my friends so eloquently pointed out to me the other day that I am “a silent person when it comes to dealing with pain.” Another friend once called me Brie from Desperate Housewives (and if you’re reading this – yes, that still hurts lol). This November, however, has been particularly frustrating because of the post I was starting to write. Like I said, I’ve never been that girl who wants to be in a relationship. It just usually happens. I’m either in one or I’m not – and usually, even if I’m not, I’m not alone.
But a little while ago, I chose to be alone. I let go of the go-to (for a few different reasons) and decided that the next guy would be something substantial – still moving at a slow pace – but substantially moving at a slow pace. And since then, I have met guys. I’ve continued to meet men, give them my phone number, have them try to date me…. and continued to shut them down. Because really, there’s only been one man I’ve ever really wanted over the past 5 years.
In the midst of all the other guys and all the other dates, he’s the only one that I want to call when something great happens or that I want to rub my hair when something goes wrong. He’s the only one who can make things better for me at the sound of his voice and can bring a cheesy smile to my face at the mention of his name. He’s the only one I’ve literally had dreams of spending the rest of my life with – and while he’s not the one who died in November, he is the one who should have been out of my life 5 years ago. And every day that I want that, especially in November, there’s an equally just as paralyzing feeling that I am shitting on the memory of the man who I say taught me that I deserve better.
So I think that the reason I stopped the post was because the post was going to be about wanting to be in a relationship. But that’s not true – I don’t. I want to be with him… which is something entirely and wholeheartedly different. And yet, as much as I want to be with him – I KNOW we will never be together. There are some things that you just know. Like the fact that the tick tocking may not be the tick tocking of wanting a relationship, but a constant reminder that it’s time (past time) to let go.
A long time ago, on my first blog, I mentioned that I have this weird thing that I do of connecting to quotes and characters on certain shows. I get too invested sometimes. I can quote almost full episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (I’m not kidding… nor am I bragging either). I know it’s weird – but I still do it, kind of like how I still collect and keep a very handy box of cards at my place that I have purchased in advance for pretty much any occasion you can imagine. Anyway, the other day I was watching Glee and they sang the song, “Defying Gravity,” from the musical, Wicked.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!….
I’m through accepting limits
”cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity,
I think I’ll try defying gravity… and you won’t bring me down.
And it just stuck. Now is the time to LEAP! Do everything I say I do – go no holds bar for everything I want. (except him, of course lol)… and immediately (well, after singing it a few times in the shower and in the bed with my remote as the microphone), I was at peace. No more ticking, no more tocking – just silence. The good kind.