Best (and Worst) Ways to Break-up

17 12 2008

Soooooo, I’ve been in my fair share of break-ups. Some that I’ve initiated and some that were initiated onto me. And I’ve been witness (albeit not physically) to some of my friend’s break-ups and I have to say, there really are some ways that can make even the worst break-up better… and unfortunately, can make the most obvious break-up WORSE. breaking-up-3

Here’s some ways that “research” says to go about breaking up with someone in a civil manner (AND some not so good ways in red to the side of the good ways). I know what you’re thinking… how can breaking-up ever be okay if you’re the one being dealt the deed? Well, it might not be okay… but it doesn’t have to feel like someone ran you over with an Amtrak train, got some elephants and had them stomp on you, got a vampire to pull your heart out and suck all the blood and then place it back into your body, lifeless. As Marie Claire says, “Breaking up is a selfish act that can be a necessary evil in your dating life. But there are easier ways to do the whole process.”

1. Be Honest: I know we like to sugar coat things sometimes (especially if you still somewhat care for the person), but the last thing you want is a situation where your sugar coating does not get the correct message across. For example, Brandy* (someone I know who’s name will remain anonymous) attempted to break up with her boyfriend, but didn’t want to hurt his feelings about it. So instead of admitting that she just no longer wanted to be with him, she told him that she just wanted some time to herself. Well, needless to say, when Brandy started dating other guys not a month after her break-up, the guy didn’t understand and was even more hurt than if she would have told the truth from the beginning. It caused waaaay more drama than was necessary.

(Now, there is a difference between being honest and just being downright mean! No one is saying you have to start telling the guy or girl everything you ever thought was wrong with them. And this is not your chance to dig as many daggers as possible. Yes, that means no jabs about the man’s penis or sexual appetite, ladies. And guys, that means, this isnt your chance to tell her how fat you think she is. Honest does not equal crass.)

breaking-up-22. Make it Fast: Okay, I get it. You dont know what to say, you’re not sure if you really want to end it or if you just want a break. You’re not happy and dont feel like dealing with his or her bs anymore, but you’ve been together for awhile… soooo you let it drag on and on and on. And next thing you know, it’s been months since you originally decided this thing needs to end. The real deal is that if you ever had any feeling for the person, you owe them the courtesy of not leading them on, thinking they’re in something good when you KNOW you want it done. Plus, just from a practical standpoint… once again, it’s far less drama if you just get it done when it should be done.

But don’t be dumb… make it fast is not the same as “shake it fast,” so probably emailing a dear John/Jessica letter is not the way to go just because you want to get it over with. And please, by all means… don’t text it or im it either. We are the technology generation, but somethings should just not be done. No one wants to get on facebook and see a message from their significant other, saying “I’m done” on their wall. Ugh… how embarrassing would that be! In the same vein, you may want to be mindful of the timing as well. Yeah, you shouldn’t prolong a relationship, but maybe breaking up the day before Christmas isn’t the way to go, no matter how immediate it may seem at the time.

3. Set Break Up Rules/Stick With Them: No, y’all cannot be friends still. If thats how you feel, and if your relationship was fairly deep, it’s probably how you should feel… you have to stick to it. Even when situations occur that would normally draw you back to that person. Even when something happens and you want to call him or her because that’s the natural first person you would call to share in your excitement or comfort you from the hurt. You set the rules from the beginning, whatever they may be… and stick with them.

Being a flip-flopper isn’t cute in general… but especially not in relationships. In relationships, you’re pretty much in a say what you mean type of situation or you will find out (probably the hard way) that the person will no longer believe you when you try to set rules again. Kim* found herself in this type of problem. Over and over, she allowed herself to let her ex back in her life, let him call her consistently, let him visit her… and finally when she’d really had enough, he didnt believe her. And it took her another couple months to truly rid him from her life because she hadnt stuck to her rules from the beginning. Don’t be like Kim, ladies.

4. Do it at a neutral site: Again, this neutral site is not a social networking site, such as Facebook or Myspace. It just means that while you may breaking-up2think breaking up in one’s home is the best place to do it, it’s not. If it’s at your home, you then have to try and make him/her leave afterwards (and we don’t want a dragging out of the house experience occurring here– a la Diary of a Mad Black Woman). And if it’s at the other person’s home… you’re not on their territory.

Let’s discuss the idea of a neutral site here for a second, though. Just because it’s not at your home or his home, doesn’t mean it’s a neutral site. Some places that may not be neutral sites/best places to break up with someone: a wedding, their grandmother’s house, a house party in front of all your friends. Basically what I’m saying is that if someone breaks up with you immediately after watching your godchild get Christened at church, you have every right to slam their foot in the door. HARD.

What do you guys think? Have we missed any steadfast rules? And how fast would you get out your knife to cut someone (figuratively speaking of course) if they did some of those things to you that are on the worst ways list?

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2 responses

17 12 2008
countryclubbarbie

Just so you know – that was perfectly harmless and actually quite funny (well, you know the part about slamming feet in doors, vampires sucking blood, not breaking up the day before Christmas and the such . . . )

But, I think you’ve pretty much covered it. And, people really need to pay attention to the “set rules and stick to them” rule. That’s probably the key to actually getting over the break-up once it happens. If you keep the person around you just keep getting sucked back in and then when they reject you you are just hurt all over again. Having rules (and really great – and sometimes mean – friends to make you stick to them) seriously made all the difference in the world for me. Instead of focusing on how I could be friends with Ken after he crushed my heart and sole with his size 12 custom Nikes that I paid for (yeah, I said it) I was able to focus on me and going through the stages of grief.

I’d also like to add one other thing – although I’m not sure if it’s a rule. But, when you break-up, break-up with everybody. His/her family and friends are included in this. Those people are not your family and not your friends – they are his/hers. Breaking up is bad enough but making poor, innocent bystanders pick sides is even worse. Your friends and family will pick yours . . . so let his/hers pick them.

Fantabulous post!

17 12 2008
dbaham

hmmmm yeah, I did forget about divorcing your ex’s friends and family. That one might just be the most difficult of all for people to handle, but is soooo important.

And you know, lol, I know a little bit about a day before Christmas break-up. LOL

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