Confessions Part Whatever

25 09 2008

picks up mic……

(ahem) Excuse me. Excuse me. Is this thing on?… yes, yes it seems to be. I’m starting to feel like Usher on this damn blog… cuz I here I go with some more confessions.

Alright, so the truth is I’ve been a hopeless wreck of emotions lately. God’s been placing all these overdue revelations on me (and if anyone has had that happen to them, you know it’s very mentally draining). For one, I recently realized that I’ve been wandering around the wilderness for the past 8 years. No. Seriously. Follow me here… in case you dont know the story of Israelites, God liberates them through Moses but they find themselves wandering around the desert for 40 years just not getting it, practically going in circles.

Skip a whole bunch of thousands of years, and you have me. I’ve been entering a lot of writing contests lately, as part of my newly refound love of writing creatively. (it’s also the reason I’ve tried to write something on this here blog once a day… keeps the juices flowing if you do it consistently.) Well, I’ve written two short stories so far and once I sat back and looked at them (and had close friends point them out), I realized that the main characters were me. Not completely me… but me.

The first woman was afraid of love and that fear was paralyzing her from opening herself up to a man she knew in her heart that she loved, because she didnt think she could handle it if he hurt her… and the one thing she knew is that he would definitely hurt her. Um….. I’m going to raise my hand on that one.

The second woman sees an ex of hers and realizes that she’s never been in an un-grey situation. Every man that she’s dated/loved has had a qualifier on them. After looking into this, she decides the best thing to do would be to write about it (because thats how she best expresses herself) and she comes up with a book that could be used to make sure other girls dont find themselves in situations where they are dating the “same man” in different men’s bodies. ummmm…. yeah that’d be me too.

Oh, but it gets better. So then, there’s a poetry contest that I decided I wanted to enter, but after writing both of those stories in less than a month’s time, I was going to see if I already had a poem written previously that I could use. Well…. I found 2 poems that were really interesting. One was written in 2000 and was all about how LOVE was a scary concept to me and I was trying to trust this guy, but it was hard; and the other one was written in 2001 and was about how I build up walls, but those walls were starting to become glass and I was breaking them (for the better). Ummmm, let’s stop here for a second… there is DEFINITELY something wrong when a poem you wrote 8 years ago could be just as applicable today.

And to top it all off, I’ve been hearing a lot of scripture about stepping outside of your fear, wandering in the desert, etc… Do you think God could be beating this into my head any deeper???

The problem is that it’s a lot easier said than done to really let go of someone you love. Sure, it’s easy to tell other people how to do it. I can do that all day… but as many times as I’ve thought I was over this one guy, I fell right back into a destructive pattern. Loving a man who couldnt, didnt, and didnt want to love me.

And let me tell you, that damn Making the Band 4 show does not help! lol… I’m sitting there watching Que and Dawn, being all happy for Dawn (like I know her or something) and reveling in young Black love, when Que up and starts singing “You are So Beautiful.” Really?! Really, God!? the song that just happens to be me and Jake‘s song… all the songs in all the world, and THATS the song he has to sing!!!?!?!?!?!!?

I couldnt take it… I cant take it. This emotional wreck thing is for the birds (or at least someone who is a whole hellavu lot more comfortable with it than me) and I dont like it one bit.

throws mic down……………………………….. that is all.

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One response

25 09 2008
countryclubbarbie

I’m going to go ahead and say get comfortable with being an emotional wreck. Isn’t that stepping outside of your comfort zone, technically? Now yes, I do that whole emotional thing a tad better, but honestly, it’s soooo much easier to get one, really good cry out to let it ALL OUT (and trust me, Momma KNOWS) than to try to carry it around. Maybe God is trying to show you that too.

And yes, this is me, giving you advice that is easier when said to someone else. Feel free to go ahead and throw that little sermon in my face later today 🙂

And, you can ignore the time, I’ve been up since 5:15 am having a good cry my damn self.

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