Sandcastle Disco

8 09 2008

I’m a cool low Jane
With a skip on my feet
I play tough as nails
With my heart on my sleeve
Nothing but a sandcastle
Baby don’t blow me away

Baby I know you do that to all the girls
Know that I’m fragile
Bay ba ba babe baby
Don’t blow me away
~Solange, Sandcastle Disco

Okay guys, I have a confession to make. And no, it’s not that I like Solange’s latest songs and am really contemplating getting the CD, although that should merit its own confession time as well, considering you know, it’s Solange lol. But anyway… that’s not it. My confession is that, well, I dont do vulnerable very well. That sounds crazy, right?! I know… but it’s true.

I cry on Grey’s Anatomy pretty much every time it comes on. I cry on cartoons (dont fake though, some of them have really sad moments, ie. Mufasa dying… yeah you forgot about that one, eh? and you were about to clown me, but YOU KNOW you cried on that part! lol). And I cry on many sad portions of movies and such. But in real life, for like, my stuff… eh, it just doesnt come easily.(well, unless I’m drunk… then, its a whole nother story lol)

I dont know if I’m stuck on being “strong and calm” (you know playing tough as nails, like Solange) but I dont think that’s it completely, because like I said, I dont have a problem crying to all the fake things. But whatever it is, it kinda worries some of my friends sometimes. In fact, I even had a friend tell me that I reminded her of Bree Hodge on Desperate Housewives. ugh?! Seriously?! Wow… for those who dont know, that is sooo not a compliment. (This character regularly suppresses her emotions and keeps this cold and calm exterior.) Here’s a quote that pretty much represents her:

Well, as much as I appreciate this naked display of emotion, you know how this sort of thing makes me uncomfortable… Whenever I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I simply picture an empty box and I take whatever I’m feeling and put that in the box. And then, I picture myself putting the box away in a big, empty closet and closing the door. Then, if I have time, I go back and open the box and deal with the emotion, in private, like a lady.

See what I mean… sooo not a compliment. But you get where I’m going here. Anyway, like I said, I dont do vulnerable very well. Only problem is that since I dont, when it does come out, it comes out pretty randomly and sporadically. Case in point: I had been holding in a lot of things about an event that happened to me last year, and so instead of doing what you’re supposed to do, and getting it all out at that time, I managed to wait until I was at Cirque de Soleil with the teens at one of my jobs, to literally. break. down.

NO. Seriously. Can you imagine? We are sitting there and I could NOT stop crying!!! Which only made me mad at myself and this made me cry even more. It was the worst. Really.

Now, don’t let the focus on tears fool you though; thats not the only thing I mean when I say I dont do vulnerable well. Tears are just an easy way to showcase that. But there are more. I get nervous if a guy starts trying to get serious with me. I’m uncomfortable when emotional conversations with my friends turn towards me. It’s just all around. Ya girl is screwey, yall!

Thing is… I dont think I’m alone. I think there are a lot of women out there (and maybe men too… I dont try to know how you guys feel lol) who dont do vulnerable very well… which is a nice way of saying, “I’m scared to really feel.” Cuz the thing about feeling stuff… while the good times are great!… you REALLY feel the bad times. And if you’re anything like me, sometimes (just sometimes) you’re scared of the really good times too… cuz it’s a hard fall from Cloud 9. [Cloud 2.5… eh, not so much]

So here’s to all those vulnerable-fobics out there in the world… take heed of these words “Your life expands in proportion to your courage” (thanks Rev. Watley) and KNOW that fear will never get you where you want to be. I’m working on that. I know you will too. 🙂




5 responses

8 09 2008

Before I post a for real life comment, can I just say that yes, I did cry when Mufasa died . . . BECAUSE I WAS EIGHT-YEARS-OLD! Boo on you because you cried about it last week (I KNOW you).

Now, seriously, in your quest to find some acceptable state of vulnerability try to find some balance. I think I’m the exact opposite and I do vulnerable well – probably too well. Maybe not vulnerable, but emotions. And so while I allow myself to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows (and yes the lows suck) – sometimes I spend time in both places too long. So then you either get a prolonged sense of euphoria or you find yourself driving to work, crying to Lil’ Wayne ruining your freshly applied make-up.

I think that everyone is trying to find the perfect balance between boxing it up like Bree or being a complete basket case. So let’s make a deal. I’ll help you be able to feel just a tad bit more and you can help me hold my ish together when I hear Weezy.

8 09 2008

Awww see thats what friends are for. I feel like sanging Dionne Warwick about now lol

16 09 2008

How is it that even if I haven’t talked to you in umpteen years, you and I can still be so —->here<—- on so many things?

And why did someone call ME Bree just the other day, too! (okay, maybe a month or two ago, but it happened.) I mean, I think part of it might be that you don’t want to deal with the bad emotion, but I think that for me, a BIG part is that I just want people to get over it. Okay, you’re hurt that I said something. I get that. I apologize. Lets move on. I don’t need to hear you wax and wane about the event. It’s over. I’m done. It’s dealt with.

Other problem, which I think you didn’t point out, is that sometimes there just aren’t feelings to be felt. Honestly, I’m oblivious to a bunch of things. Sad, I know. But true. So it’s not that I don’t want to feel hurt that you ate the last of the Cap’n Crunch, but the truth is, I’ll be alright because there are some Honey Nut Cheerios right next to them. It’s just not that serious to me. So if you come at me talking about how I ate all the cheerios, I’mma look at you funny.

But yeah. Bree. Emotional vulnerability (I have a hard time crying in front of ppl too). All that stuff. We here homie. We are sooo here.

16 09 2008

@ talia… because thats how friends do! just because you dont talk in awhile, doesnt mean your “hereness” goes away… WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN –> HERE!!!<–

and I completely agree with you on those 2 other points. I was trying not to give too many reasons why I’m vulnerable fobic… and Bree… and the likes, but you’re so RIGHT about these 2 complexities as well!

ugh… and now I want some daggon Cap’n Crunch!!! lmao!!!

25 09 2008
Confessions Part Whatever « Choices, Voices, and Sole

[…] overdue revelations on me (and if anyone has had that happen to them, you know it’s very mentally draining). For one, I recently realized that I’ve been wandering around the wilderness for the past 8 […]

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