Loving Yourself First

Photo: Bringingspirit.wordpress.com

“I am someone who is looking for love, real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

In the series finale of the TV show, Sex and the City (and incidentally, one of my fave episodes of the show), Carrie Bradshaw says the above quote as she’s breaking up with her boyfriend in all the dramatic, intense glory that a TV monologue can take on. It’s really quite the poignant scene and signifies the moment Carrie realizes, yea – this ish aint for her.

It’s also one of the quotes I’ve carried (no pun intended) along with me since the show ended. “YES,” I thought. “That’s exactly what I want too!” I mean, who doesn’t want REAL Love? Even Mary J did. And the hopeless romantic in me couldn’t get enough of the “can’t live without each other – love” part of the sentence. It was, I felt, the perfect way to describe what I was looking for in my relationships… and also the perfect reason for the undeniable fact that many of the relationships I’d been a part of had tanked just as badly as Carrie’s did in Paris (and in the city of Love, of all places – ugh!).

“Those weren’t ridiculous, consuming, can’t live without each other loves… so ah well,” I’d say. And then I would move on, trying on the next guy, hoping he’d be the one to finally fit the bill. He never was. For some reason, after all the guys and all the relationships, I had yet to find what I was searching for. Where was this extra-ordinary love, I wondered. And why was it avoiding me?

And then, recently I re-watched that episode. I hadn’t seen it in awhile, so I was like a kid in the candy store waiting for the end where she makes her grand statement. I prepared. I got ready to repeat it with her. I mean, I was amped. But this time, amazingly, after all these years, that wasn’t the quote that stuck with me.

It was this one, that happens a few minutes later:

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself, and if you find someone to love the “you” you love, well that’s just fabulous.

It’s one of the last thing’s Carrie says as she’s walking down a crowded Manhattan street, smiling, because after all the pain and disappointments, she finally got it. It finally dawned her that it was so much more important to find that all consuming love within yourself first before you could ever seek it with someone else. And I’d never caught it before. Up until that re-watch, I’d always stopped at her quote in Paris. I’d always identified with that precarious search. This time, though? Thankfully, I kept going. And I got it too.

And I’m hoping that means I’m growing in ways I never imagined. And that I’m all the better for it.

Happy Early Valentine’s Day loves! I hope it’s as fabulous a day as one can be

Gifts for EVERYONE!

Photo Credit: kveller.com

“YOU get a gift! And YOU get a gift! AND YOUUU get a gift!” – paraphrased from Oprah Winfrey.

Ask any of my close friends and they’ll tell you that I love giving presents. I’m no saint, of course, so I love getting them too. But even if there’s no implication of reciprocity, there’s something magical about seeing the way that the people you care about light up when they open up a gift that they love. And how do I ensure that my friends and family will most often love their gifts?

Simple: I listen to them.

If you know someone well enough, and you listen to what they talk about (outside of the concept of presents), you can very clearly get an idea of what they’d like. So you may not always hit the mark, but more than likely – you will. In that same vein, I feel like I’ve come to “know” several of my readers. And since I “listen” to your comments, here are some gifts/wishes I’d like to bestow upon you all right in time for Christmas. Hope you enjoy!

1. All the bear hugs and forehead kisses your heart desires.

2. An amazing pair of heels that fit you, flatter you, complement your style, and allow you to walk in them for more than 2 hours.

3. Love and support while you chase your dreams and embark on all the various journeys in your lives.

4. Great, mind blowing, call your girls in the morning to shout, make you want to cook for him naked and have flashbacks all day type s.e.x.

5. The perfect date with an amazing guy, in the perfect dress and the perfect shoes, with a perfect ending.

My hope is that all those things come true for every single on of my readers. Is there anything you’d like to wish for everyone?

Merry Christmas you guys and please, do enjoy the holiday season!!!

PS: I’ll be taking off next week, so the blog will officially be on vacation. But come back bright and early Monday morning, December 31st. I’ll have a brand new episode of the Girl Talk podcast for you.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree: Shoe Story

Photo Credit: Cora Atkinson

“On my mama, on my hood, I look fly, I look good. Test my swag, wish you would, I look fly, I look good!”

At 7:30 am my phone began screeching out the sounds of I Look Good by Chalie Boy, alerting me that I was receiving a text message. I rolled over, slightly lifted one eye long enough to see that my friends coming from out of town were leaving Philly and on there way to DC, pressed the silence button on my phone, and quickly went back to sleep. I would process their message a couple hours later as I found myself rushing to get dressed for the Annual White House Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony.

But in that moment, sleep was my main focus.

At 9:00, I rolled over again, 30 minutes before I’d set my alarm to go off, and finally processed/panicked that they left their house at 7:30 that morning. “Oh shit,” I thought. “Who knew they were leaving so early?” Quickly, I rattled off the list of things I needed to do before they got to my place, and before I could even finish, I knew what 7:30 meant. It was way past time for me to get my arse up.

Luckily, I’d decided on my outfit a couple days before. Since I knew it would be cold, I’d planned an outfit of several layers including tights, tall socks, a long john shirt, leggings, a thick sweater with a collar that could become a hoodie, heavy coat, wool hat, and my new favorites – my grey knee-high boots I’d gotten as a random gift from my mom a couple months before.

I was so excited anytime I wore these boots, but today was going to be extra special – I’d be celebrating the lighting of the National Christmas Tree with the President of the United States in these boots. Sure, he wouldn’t actually see them, and I’d be sharing the moment with several thousand other people, but still – combining my favorite holiday, spending time with some of my favorite people, and being in the presence of a President I like (and voted for) – you can’t beat that with a stick!

So with my excitement in tow, I set about trying to finish as much as possible before I would need to leave the house. And I was almost done with everything when I got the call saying they were downstairs and ready to head out. CRAP. I’d managed to finish everything, but not be completely dressed. I slid on my shoes, thankful that I’d managed to break them in during homecoming, and after a few minutes, made my way downstairs to have someone help me bring everything to the car.

The rushing that occurred that morning would unfortunately be pretty indicative of the rest of the day, but even with the sense of urgency in the air, my excitement had yet to leave me. And it wouldn’t. By the time we finished eating lunch and getting Starbucks to go, we found ourselves damn near skipping to get in line for the ceremony, half of us with boots on, creating our own little inadvertent musical with the sound of our shoes clacking on the sidewalks. We’d gone to the ceremony the year before, but this time, we were more prepared and better layered. This would be good, we thought.

But after standing in line for hours, listening to carolers sing and discussing everything from Instagram to horrible roommate situations, and then sitting for hours waiting for the ceremony to start, the coldness began to make us a little delirious. How else can you explain our impromptu Christmas concert we decided to give everyone in our section? Oh and it was extensive. While carrying the beat with my boots (partially to keep my feet moving and warm), we began a song collection that included such gems as Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You, Donald Lawrence’s Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, TLC’s Sleigh Ride, Jackson 5′s I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and more.

You would have thought we were a part of the show! Well, until you actually heard our voices. But the singing was indicative of the fact that the cold air hadn’t broken us. We were still in the groove and when they ceremony finally began, I was like a little kid, swinging my legs and boots in my chair from being so giddy. I mean the show began with Babyface and Neil Patrick Harris… that’s definitely enough to make a girl swing her feet, right?

By the end of the evening, we were dragging our tired and cold selves out of the park and to the Metro.I noticed at one point there was a distinct difference in the sound of our boots on the pavement now: instead of a skipping sound, it was more of a sliding sound, probably indicative of how much we’d worn ourselves out. But then I looked up and saw our expressions, even as tired as our legs were, the excitement was still there. And in that moment, a little skip came back to me and my boots, and I was happy to have shared that experience with them.

Holiday Party Shoes

Can you believe it’s already December? Pretty amazing, right? Well, now that it is December, that can only mean one thing – holiday parties!!! And holiday parties, of course, mean chances to wear some of your best holiday shoes. A few years ago, I did a post on silver, red, and gold shoes, but there’s no need to limit yourself these days. Holiday parties are the perfect opportunity to switch between bedazzled to flirty and heels to boots.

Here are some of my fave shoes and ways to wear them:

In the mood to spice up your outfit this holiday season? Try wearing something a little unexpected to this year’s parties, whether it’s a simple shoe with a surprise touch or something more risque.

Photo: Christian Louboutin Decorapump Strass Platform Red Sole Pump http://www.neimanmarcus.com

Photo: Starry Nite Platforms
http://www.nastygal.com

Interested in a more classic look for your elegant evening gathering, these will certainly set the tone for whatever dress or skirt you choose to wear.

Photo: J Crew Collection Everly jeweled pumps
http://www.jcrew.com

Looking for something to wear with a playful and dressy cocktail dress? This is totally the time to break out the colorful stilettos or the sparkly peep toes!

Photo: Badgley Mischka Peep Toe Platform Evening Pumps – Humbie II
http://www.bloomingdales.com

Photo: Rachel Roy suede hidden platform pumps
http://www.neimanmarcus.com

For an edgier way to pull off your party outfit this year, why not try some cute and sleek riding boots? Feel free to pair these with some leggings or skinny jeans and a sparkly top to give some softness to the edge. Extra plus to wearing these: you don’t have to worry about your feet hurting!

Photo: Tory Burch riding boots – Erica
http://www.toryburch.com

Do you have any holiday parties coming up soon? And what shoes do you plan to debut for those adoring fans?

The Health Benefits to Smooching

Photo Credit: theBeatenHamster.blogspot.com

Now that Thanksgiving is officially over, it can only mean one thing – yep, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. And with the Season of Christmas in the air comes the thoughts of many things: cherishing family and friends, celebrating the birth of Christ (if you’re Christian), taking pictures with Santa Claus in the mall, giving and receiving gifts, and of course – kissing.

So break out the mistletoe and get ready for some smooching, because according the Grio and several recent studies, there’s more to kissing than just butterflies and thoughts of licking folks’ teeth.

For one, apparently kissing reduces stress. To wit:

Kissing helps to reduce cortisol, known as the “stress hormone,” produced by the adrenal gland. Some levels of cortisol in the body are good because it helps to regulate sugar levels and keep the immune system calm. But, too much of it can wreak havoc on the body, increasing blood pressure, body weight and depression. That’s where kissing comes in…

Well, what do you know? Looks like maybe we should all be kissing more often, and then we wouldn’t need so many expensive trips to the spa. I could get behind this plan.

But, it gets better. They also point out that not only does kissing reduce stress, but it is also linked to lower levels of allergy symptoms, can help reduce tooth decay, can help keep frow lines in check, and best of all – can burn calories! What?! Who knew kissing was so great? I mean, you know, besides being just great because it feels good.

Honestly, I don’t know about you, but this is great news for me. For one, it tells me that my mind is brilliant because clearly it wants me to get all these benefits, and that’s why it constantly has me staring at men’s lips on a daily basis. (What??? I’m not alone, right?) Two: since I’m one of those people that can actually just kiss for long periods of time without it being a precursor to anything (because I actually love the act itself), I’m going to get all kinds of fringe benefits when I get in my next relationship. And heck, Future Mr. D-Magic might have to watch it, y’all… cuz his lips will be mine lol.

Lastly, this gives me all kinds of incentive to actually use my mistletoe this year. A girl’s gotta be healthy, right? I mean, I’m getting closer to 30. Its important that I treat my body right. Now, if I could just get Darren Sharper to walk from my kitchen to the dining room (where my mistletoe is located), I’d be all set!

Anyway, what do you all think? Do all these health reasons for kissing sway you one way or the other? Or are you like me, in that it just gives you more excuses to pucker up?

In Honor of Montana: Giving Thanks

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” ~ Psalm 119:71

It’s been five years. Five years since I met the man who would change my life and my perspective on so many things in less than a 2 month time period. And while it doesn’t seem that long ago, this past Saturday actually marked 5 years since he died – since he was killed, actually.

It’s kind of amazing how time works. There are days when it feels like I met him a million years ago. Like the girl who I was at that time wouldn’t even recognize me. Like it was another life being lived, and I only watched it on TV.  And then there are times when it seems like just yesterday that this cute, tall, dark chocolate drop of goodness slipped me his phone number in one of DC’s most popular eateries. He was so slick about it, in fact, that for a minute, I didn’t realize it had happened. It wasn’t until I walked out that I noticed the receipt that read “Simply beautiful. Call me.” It listed his number and name, and that was it.

I naturally thought this man was a smooth operator and was not to be trusted. Who could be that slick and not be a shyster, right? It should be noted that I met him at a time when I was beyond jaded about the men in my life. I didn’t trust anyone, and without realizing it, I’d created this slightly dark and twisty outlook. I didn’t want people to hug me. I didn’t like cuddling. And most importantly, I didn’t believe anything any man said to me. Anything.

And yet, over the course of 2 months, this man knocked 90% of those walls down. I don’t know how he did it. One day I was doubting that he even actually knew who I was, (When I was finally convinced to call him, I argued him down that he probably gave that message to several women and didn’t actually know who was calling him. I shut up when he described my entire outfit and gave a very accurate description of me, down to the freckles on my face and the nail polish I had on.) and the next thing I knew we were texting each other silly high school ish like, ‘just thinking about you boo,’ and ‘I heard this song today that reminded me about you.’

Somehow, this man had taken me (dragging and screaming, mind you) to the point where I was not only ok with seeing him everyday, I wanted to. To where I was growing comfortable with having honest and vulnerable conversations with him. And then, of course, out of nowhere, it was all gone.

For the longest time, I reverted back to the shut off person that he’d met in 2007. I went back to not wanting any physical contact of a comforting nature, always fearful that I would start crying at any moment and not be able to stop. I’d locked all my feelings about the situation inside, and if possible, actually became more closed off than I was before. Ironically, at one point, I even got a tattoo to symbolize a reminder to myself of why it was important to keep my heart open (because time is not promised to any of us), but that tattoo didn’t actually serve its purpose. It just sat there as a reminder of what I wasn’t doing; how I wasn’t honoring what he’d taught me.

Today though, five years later, I can finally say that I get it. I don’t always get it right, but I get it. And I think that’s part of the reason I don’t just remember the horrible, empty feeling I felt when he passed. I can now remember all of the good that came from our time together. I can now remember his infectious laugh and smile about it. And I can meet a man these days and not be afraid to ‘put myself out there’ with him. Montana taught me that life’s too short to be insular and afraid of love, and everyday I’m alive, I’m thankful to God for having brought him into my life.

It’s because of him that I appreciate all of my relationships more. I don’t take my friends for granted the way I did before. I cherish the little moments I have with my family. And I thank God every day for this life he’s allowed me to have. It may not be perfect or always go the way I want it to, but it’s special, it’s had some fabulous moments, and it’s still continuing.

Happy Thanksgiving guys! May you have a very blessed day with your loved ones. I surely plan to.

PS: This will be the last blog post for this week, but come back bright and early Monday morning for the next post (or spend some time perusing through the archives – you never know what old goodies you might find)! Love ya

Happy Columbus Day!!

Photo: kids.yahoo.com

No post today, guys… but never fear, I’ll be back on Wednesday with a brand spanking new one! Until then, enjoy your Columbus Day (if you’re like me and happen to live in a place that gets the day off) or just enjoy your Monday (if you don’t happen to have the day off)!

Either way, I hope you enjoy your day.

Smooches!

Happy Labor Day!!

Even though I’m taking a break for the holiday on the blog, I still wanted to wish you all a Happy Labor Day! (and what better way than with a pic of some hot shoes?! lol)

I hope you find time to relax and be grateful for everything in your life today.

See you back on Wednesday.

Smooches

Happy 4th of July! (Tips on Finding the Best Shoes for BBQ-Hopping)

Photo: The white loafers I’ll be wearing on the 4th of July.
Shoes: Aldo BLYE flats / Image: Me!

There are some holidays where it’s just kind of expected that you’ll hop around to different parties. The Fourth of July is one of those holidays. So while it happens to fall on a Wednesday this year, that’s no need to find yourself ill-prepared shoe-wise for what will probably be a long food-filled day for many of us.

Here are some tips to ensuring you have the best shoes to fit your bbq fancy:

Make sure your shoes are comfortable first…

I know that there are many of us who forsake comfort for beauty, but when you’re planning to stand around at bbqs/cookouts all day, this is not the time for such antics. And contrary to popular belief, you can find shoes that are both cute and comfortable; it just takes practice in knowing what works best for your foot. For example, if you’re at a shoe store, I would suggest that you try on BOTH shoes and walk around the store for at least 2 minutes before purchasing them. A 30 second seated try on of just your right foot does not give you an accurate idea of what you’ll be dealing with in normal circumstances.

Then make sure they’re cute…

This should be obvious, but you’d be surprised how many times I see women walking around with either shoes that are ugly or shoes that leave me feeling bleh. Trust me, one is no greater evil than the other. Your shoe should always make a statement… even if it’s a simple black or tan pump (ps: the best shoes don’t need to have a bunch of embellishments to stand out). So before you walk out of that house, look down at your feet, and if those shoes don’t look like a random person would come by and compliment you on them – go back and change.

And FINALLY, why not pick it up a notch and make sure they make a statement!

Like I said, I believe your shoes should always make a statement… but there’s a difference between a statement and a statement. That gold lamé gladiator sandal with crystal embellishments that you’ve been dying to wear, those are a statement honey. But it doesn’t even have to be anything that fancy if that’s not your style – picking it up a notch is just about wearing something that stands out in the crowd. And if you’re good enough, makes your entire outfit pop.

I’ll be wearing those white loafers with gold studs (pictured above) that I just recently purchased from Aldo for the 4th, because they fit all three criteria for me. If you’re anything like me, the best way to plan your outfit is to start with your shoes and then everything seems to fall into place. With that said, what are some of the looks you all will be going for today?

Nice Guys Really DO Finish First – Valentine’s Day Advice

Nice guys finish last, right? That’s the lie we’ve all been told for so long. The thing is, I’m not quite sure where it came from. But whoever made it up, surely did find a way to pretty much entrench it into the minds of most men (at least many men that I know and have come across).

Yet, I would argue that the phrase couldn’t be more wrong if it tried. Sure, some girls have an attraction to “bad boys,” but for the most part, you’d be hard pressed to find a woman who didn’t want a man who treated her nicely.

The question then becomes, what does nice really mean? As I’ve stated before, part of the problem is that a lot of men think they’re nice guys just because they’re not as bad as the next dude. But it’s not really something that can be compared between two people. Sure you may be nicer than the guy who cheated on her 5 times, but if you lie to her constantly, is it really that much of a difference?

The real nice guys, though – those guys definitely finish first and more importantly, finish most successfully. Do you know the kind of smile you can put on a woman’s face just by opening her door when you guys walk to the car? Or calling when you said you would? Planning a date that consists of more than dinner and a movie?

These little things combined begin to mark the character of a nice guy. He’s the guy who treats her with respect and has a genuine interest in what interests her. He’s the guy who doesn’t seek to put her on a pedestal, but seeks to support her in the goals she’s already striving to achieve – while also working on his goals. He’s the guy that can tell when she just needs to be held and doesn’t make her feel weak because of it. Trust me, fellas – there’s no way this guy finishes last.

Make sure to pay attention to what I said (or rather wrote), though. The nice guy doesn’t want to put her on a pedestal and kiss the ground she walks on. That’s how you get put into the lame category that so many people misidentify as “nice.” A friend of mine was once told by her ex-boyfriend, “The higher you left me up and put me on a pedestal, the easier you make it for me to look down on you.” That couldn’t be more accurate.

When a guy puts those things together, flawed as he may be in any other way, any woman in the world would fall for him. And on a surface level, chances are – her physical desire for him would exponentially increase.

So on this special posting for today – take this as my hint, guys. If you’ve got a woman in your life who you’re interested in, take tonight or this weekend to do something nice. I’d be willing to bet that you’ll be happy with the outcome.

Right, ladies?