On a normal day (read: slow day), with no major errands to run, you’ll still likely find me doing at least three or four things at a time while at home. I may be watching TV, but I’ll also likely be doing some kind of work on the computer. I might be on the phone as well and/or cooking, picking out what I’m going to wear to work the next day, checking off my schedule from the week, figuring out what tasks need to be completed for the board I sit on… and lately, I’m also checking to see how I’m progressing in my Twelve in 12 goals. “How’s my writing coming along? What about that other hobby goal? Oh, don’t forget you’re supposed to be learning French now.” Multi-tasking game proper. And that’s not even considering the fact that a co-worker brought up the idea of teaching for University of Phoenix and my first thought was, “hmmm can I fit that in, because that would be a great side hustle!”

Oh the side hustle. Most of us have them. Some of them are paid – like the consulting journalism workshop I do every summer or like CCB’s piano lessons she does every week. Some of them are not. I feel like the Board is a side hustle sometimes, and so is my position in Toastmaster’s, and the mentoring I do with college students who were former teens of mine in a local teen program. Whatever your side hustle is (are), I can guarantee it involves you multi-tasking at some point, and apparently the multi-tasking we all do is kinda bad for our brain.

At least that’s what articles like THIS would have you believe. According to the Daily Mail, multi-tasking “denies us essential pauses in our mental space.”

We need this time to develop our inner resources and grow neural connections in the cortex humanitatis – the part of brain that makes us civilized creatures, says Daniel Siegel, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA Medical School in America. ‘When you do several things at once, you tend to do them on autopilot and fail to engage the parts of the brain that form strong neural connections.’

So if multi-tasking does this to our brains, what the heck is it doing to our love lives and relationships? How often have you heard people say (or maybe you’ve even said) that they’re working on their careers right now, with the natural implication being that any relationship opportunity is on the back burner? This isn’t because of the one 9 to 5 job (or more likely 7:30/8:30 – 6:30 job) we all have. It’s because of our side hustles. It’s because of the ambitious tasks we set for ourselves. And I say we, because I’m no different. We all have so many things we want and are seeking to achieve in our lives, but what happens when all that multi-tasking causes us to miss out having someone to share our accomplishments with? What happens if the multi-tasking is doing more damage than we realize?

And what do we do to change that if it is? Daily Mail provides lovely suggestions for not allowing multi-tasking to ruin our brain cells, such as taking time to meditate daily. But what’s the meditation equivalent to not let it ruin our love lives?

I don’t have the new Facebook Timeline… Yet.

But from speaking to those who have already switched over, the general consensus has been that at first you go through a feeling of “oh sh*t! EVERYTHING is on here! I have to delete, delete, delete right NOW!” But then the shock wears off and you eventually grow to really like it. Something about how it’s kinda cool to actually be able to see all the stuff you’ve ever put on wax on Facebook.

Well, that’s kind of how I feel about this blog sometimes. While I’m very conscious about what I put on here (contrary to popular belief by those who think they know what’s completely going on in my life based on the blog), there’s still plenty of times I look in the archives and cringe at the topics I’ve covered.

I’ve divulged embarrassing moments on here (usually of the word vomit variety), waxed poetic about my bad decisions with Jake and Cosby, and lamented about break-ups and first dates and juvies and guys who think they’re good guys simply bc they’re not as bad as the next dude. And in the times when it wasn’t just about me, they’re still cringe worthy – I mean really, how many different posts can woman write about cuddling (and not in a positive way)? Apparently, at least 5. And I’m sure there will be more as my ideas on the intimacy of the act continue to evolve. For example, I thought about doing a post about the difference between snuggling, cuddling, and nestling – but I realized that’s just me being nitpicky and there’s really not a difference at all. Guess I avoided one cringe worthy post there.

But usually, after the initial shock of looking at the archives wears off, I tend to go through the same transformation of the new Facebookers. “Well, it kind of is cool to see how my ideas about relationships and politics have or have not changed over the years,” I’ll say. There’s no denying that our perspectives change over time, so maybe it’s not too bad to be able to see the evolution – even if it’s on the world wide web. That’s probably why I never deleted my first blog. Destined 2 BE was my first foray into this blogging world and I can totally see the differences between 22 year old D Magic and soon to be 29 year old D Magic. Maybe that’s how some singers feel about their albums?

Anyway, what about you all? Do you have anything like this in your lives that initially frightens you when you look back on it, but eventually makes you smile? I also scrap book, so on a smaller level – that kind of has a similar effect for me.

You may have to break these in before wearing them out on the town.

I think it’s pretty evident by now that I might be considered a shoe addict. And while I appropriately purge my closet at least every 2 years by donating and throwing away a significant amount of shoes I no longer wear, I find myself buying more to replace the ones I just gave away. For example, in 2011 alone (off the top of my head), I either purchased or received at least 13 pairs of shoes – the last of which you see in the above picture. Santa got them for me

I mean, c’mon – I have a shoe closet.

(although, I would like to point out that as much as I love my shoes, I have friends who both have more pairs and bought/received more pairs in 2011… so it’s not just me AND I’m not the worst culprit.)

Anyway it would stand to reason that I know how to “break in” a pair of stilettos. For those who don’t know what I mean – let me explain. There are a few things that you must know when it comes to buying stilettos, especially ones of the pump (in closed toe) variety. Of those, two are probably most important: a) if possible, buy at least a 1/2 size bigger than your shoe size, depending on the way the toe is cut and b) try to give yourself at least a week to “break” them in before wearing them to an event or occasion. If not a week, at least a very focused day.

Now what do I mean by “break in” a pair of shoes? Simply put, breaking in a pair of heels is the act of stretching out the shoe to make it more comfortable to wear. Or if we were attempting to add the phrase into a dictionary, it would read:

Breaking in (a pair of heels): v. (kinda) 1) the act of increasing the comfort level of a pair of shoes. 2) the way to make a pair of heels easier to wear throughout the day or night. 3) the act of increasing the potential uses of said shoes from just bedside posts to actual walking agents.

Because this process is so essential to shoe-wearing (and if you don’t think so, take a look at the girls in the club whose feet you can tell hurt – they didn’t follow these tips), I’m going to give you guys a few quick tips to make sure you get it right.

1. Walk it Out

The best and most efficient way to break in your heels is to put them on and walk. Walk in them while you’re vacuuming. Walk in them while you’re dusting. Have them on while you’re dancing to songs in your living room. Whatever you choose to do – just do it. The more you walk, the more you’ll not only get a feel for the shoe, the shoe will get a feel for your foot and begin to take on the contours and curves of you. You want this. There’s nothing worse than seeing a woman in a beautiful shoe that’s ill-fit.

2. Make Stretch Armstrong Proud

Okay, let’s not go crazy. If your foot doesn’t fit in the shoe before stretching it out, that means your foot is too big. That’s not what we’re talking about here. But unfortunately, even if the shoe fits perfectly, after some time – you will find that parts of the shoe will begin to constrict you. Your best bet to alleviate this problem is to put on a thin pair of socks and repeat #1. You don’t need to do this for a long period of time, but the socks will stretch the shoes out enough that they shouldn’t constrict you later on and yet, they won’t make them look like you have on your mom’s shoes. Note – if you have extra skinny feet, you may not need this tip.

3. Practice Makes Perfect

As much as you don’t want to hear this, the best way to break in a pair of shoes is to just keep wearing them. I bought a pair of nude shoes for my birthday last year and since I was absolutely in love with them, I found myself wearing them more often than most of my heels. The result? I can wear them for any length of time now. In fact, I recently had two occasions where I wore them (drunkenly) out all night, for at least 8 hours… and had no problems. My feet weren’t sore at the end of the night and I wasn’t cursing my crazed shoe addiction the next morning. So if you’ve worn a pair once and they hurt you, don’t be discouraged… sometimes it just takes time.

Hope these tips helped! Did I miss any essential ones?

Here’s something you may not know about me – I kind of really love listening to music. Most people do, but even though I don’t tend to think of myself as some sort of music expert, when I think about it – it’s really rare that I go a day without purposely listening to something. In fact, two of the ways that I de-stress is to throw on my homemade Grey’s Anatomy mix and dance my heart out in my pjs or jump in the tub and vibe out to some playlist in my Itunes. So it’s no secret then that I tend to listen to music based on how I’m feeling.

There’s times when I just really love an artist and their album and I’ll just listen to it off GP, like Adele’s 21. But a lot of times, if you ask me what I’m listening to and I say Kelly Clarkson, it’s mostly because I’m in a Kelly Clarkson type of mood. With that being said, I’ve definitely noticed there’s certain artists and albums I listen to more often when I’m in like with someone.

Here are a few of those albums and songs that stay in rotation for me:

Rihanna – Talk that Talk/portions of Loud

I know these just recently came out and I know I’m copping out by putting 2 albums in one here, but Rihanna’s still on the Loud tour as Talk that Talk is coming out so I feel OK about this. Either way, if you listen to a lot of the songs on here – they’re all about the joys of being in like, the passion of wanting to tear your guy’s clothes off, the desire to lick his teeth and um… other things lol. Between Only Girl in the World, You Da One, and Birthday Cake… I’m just sayin, trust your girl here.

Beyonce’ – 4

Have you listened to the songs on this CD? It’s like an extended love song to Jay. And she just sounds so happy in everything from Love on Top to Party to 1+1 to Countdown. You get the sense that she was feeling extra girly and giggly while singing the songs in the studio and that transfers over to how you feel while listening to the album.

Tamia – Falling for You/Can’t get Enough/So into You

While the other two have that high school girl feel to them, Tamia’s songs give me a more grown-up feeling of being in-like. I go into my zone when these songs come on, like yep I’m an adult – but that doesn’t mean I can’t be madly in-like with someone.

Here are a few more songs that tend to stay on my playlist (without explanations):

Paramore – The Only Exception

Carl Thomas – I Just Thought You Should Know/If You Ever

Amel Larrieux – For Real/Makes Me Whole

Kelly Rowland – This is Love (clearly, this one is when the in-likeness has turned to a little more lol)

What about you? Are there some songs that totally put you in a liking mindset? If so – please share. I’m always looking to add on to my playlist.

1. Finish the rewrite of my book, “BLEEP” and start pitching it again. (Revised – finish writing proposal and start pitching it again) – COMPLETED. I sent out 35 pitches/proposals this year, but this one is also still in progress.
2. Lose and keep off at least 20-25 lbs. COMPLETED. Lost 24 lbs so far.
3. Go on 11 dates. IN PROGRESS. I’ve gone on 8 dates so far, but I do have at least 2 more in the plans for the new year.
4. Get back into freelancing, in magazines and/or websites. Yea, this one didn’t happen.
5. Find and secure a job that I want to be in for the next 2 to 3 years, at least. IN PROGRESS
6. Go see a movie by myself. COMPLETED
7. Increase my savings by at least $5000. MASSIVE FAILURE
8. Get my bridge (my teeth) done. COMPLETED
9. Do something different for myself once a month. COMPLETED. I finished the last thing this past Monday when I went to see the Saints play the Falcons in the New Orleans Superdome
10. Cook and perfect a new meal once a month for the cookbook. COMPLETED
11. “One of your 11 dates must be with a guy who you asked out.” COMPLETED

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my friends and I are gearing up for Twelve in ’12 now. You can track my progress on my new Twelve page.

Have you ever gone on a date with a guy, thought it was absolutely perfect and then slowly realized he was never going to ask you out again? Or maybe you got through the first two dates, but when it came time for the all important third date – dude went MIA? I’m sure if you haven’t had those exact experiences, you’ve had similar experiences. I may not have had those two specifically happen to me, but I’ve definitely had guys start to fade themselves out of contention before while we’re dating. And while sometimes that just naturally happens because you both start to realize the connection isn’t really there, other times, it’s because of a dating goof we’ve made (yes, ladies – us.)

Essence.com recently did an article profiling some of these dating mistakes and per usual, your girl has made plenty of them. I won’t list them all. You can go here if you want to view them, but some that stuck out to me were:

You Wear Too Much Makeup

Doing so implies to a man that you may lack self-confidence. Looking good isn’t all about trying to achieve perfection. It isn’t about caking your face with so much makeup that you look like someone else. No man wants to wake up in the morning to find your makeup all over the sheets. Think: More confidence, less makeup.

You Check Your Phone Constantly

This is disrespectful to the man you’re on a date with. When your man is around, try to keep your smart phone addiction hidden. It makes you seem obsessive-compulsive when you’re always peeking down at your phone or you leave it out on the table. It’s annoying, and it makes him feel less important. Just throw it in your bag and enjoy yourself.

You’re Clumsy or Awkward

This says that our sexual compatibility is in question. When we’re up, you’re down. We try to connect because we’re attracted to each other, but something just seems off. If we’re not connecting on the dance floor, how are we going to connect in the bedroom? To increase flexibility and become more in touch with your body consider a dance or yoga class.

I’ll start off with something I agree on and say that as someone who totally has a crackberry addiction, I’ve learned to place my phone on vibrate and put it in my purse. My close friends will tell you that this is no easy feat for me, but it is rude if you’re trying to get to know a guy and you’re constantly looking at your phone. Unless you have a kid or another specific reason you absolutely need to have your phone out in the open, it’s just better to put it away.

Okay, now to something I kinda sorta maybe agree with but with some caveats. I don’t think I can be accused of being the girl that wears too much make-up, but that also depends on when the guy sees me. If we’re going out after work, he’s probably going to see my patented “natural make-up” look where I definitely have on make-up, but it just looks like I have a freshly blended face that for some reason has lightly bronzed, rosy cheeks. If you meet me while I’m out at nighttime though, I’m clearly going to have on a nighttime version of this. Eyeliner. Smokey eye. Maybe fake lashes. Possibly a bright lipstick. Would I look crazy if I wore this to a 3pm date on the National Mall? Of course. But I think it’s more about when and where you wear the make-up than anything else.

I also have to take issue with the clumsy statement (and while I didn’t post it here, I also take issue with a statement they made about tattoos but I won’t get into that one.) Maybe I’m bias here since I am slowly, but surely becoming known for my historically bad awkward moments with guys I actually like. At last quick count, I’ve done everything from saying “whew!” after kissing a guy, falling off the bed while trying to be sexy (Alicia Silverstone style in Clueless), sizzling my hand while noting how “hawt” I am, and who could forget the infamous “please stop, I’m powerless to your seduction” moment.

But none of those moments were about a lack of chexual compatibility between me and the guy. If anything, it was because of all the passion between us that I went into high school girl, ohhhh emmm geee, I really like this guy mode.

But what do you all think? Does this list make sense? And have you found yourself victim to making any of these gaffs?

Back to the post…

Remember when I was asking you guys the etiquette rules of giving Christmas gifts with guys you are casually dating? Well, if only I’d seen this flow chart last year, maybe I would have avoided sending homemade cookies to a guy I was no longer talking to a couple months later. HowAboutWe.com recently came up with a quick guide to decide on if you should give out a gift for Christmas. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Now, the next question – what about Christmas cards?….

Men seem to think they're really simple, when really they're a lot like this bottle opener

I went to a party the other night at a friend’s house that had a demographic of about 15 men to 5 women, and of course as with most gatherings with guys and girls in their 20s, eventually a conversation began about the simplicity/complexity of men and women in relationships.

Per usual, the men contended that they were simple and women were complicated. In fact, after about a 2 ½ hour conversation, the men boiled down their sentiments into this one statement, “For men, it’s all about my time and my money. If I don’t like you, I’m not spending either of those things on you, and I’m definitely not doing both.”

Ok, that seems simple enough. But as the woman in the conversation (and trust me, even though there were other women there, I felt like the lone woman giving her input into the discussion), I attempted to explain how things may seem simple to other men, but are not as simple when it comes to a woman’s translation of the act. The opposite is true as well, I noted. For example, if you ask any woman what the one thing she wants to know when she’s first dating a guy is… chances are most women will say the same thing – I just want to know if he likes me. Not if I throw it on him, will he say yes. That’s obvious – you’re on a date. But does he like me? To women, that’s a simple question with a simple response. You ask me if I like a guy, I’m either going to tell you yes or no.

To men, they see it as a trick question. Well, what do you mean does he like you? You mean, does he want to marry you? Do you mean, does he want to let go of all possibilities for you? Do you mean, does he want to drop everything and only focus on you? NO dude… just simply, when he thinks about me – is he interested in more than just banging but also more than just friendship? If I gave him a piece of paper that said “Do you like me,” what box would he check?

One wouldn’t think that concept would be that hard to grasp. But we (women and men) do this to ourselves all the time. We talk over each other. We debate the merits of simplicity and complexity and we definitely find ways to put folks in categories so as to make the most generalized statements ever. And that’s what we did that night. Over and over, we all made generalized statements about men and women, and I, yes I, stood as the only person wanting to acknowledge that there are indeed exceptions to some of these hard fast rules.

This post is really no different, but I figured it was a fun way to make an important observation nonetheless. After this conversation (and slight attack on me from the men, but we won’t go there right now), I talked to Pimp C the next day and broke down what happened. Of course, she agreed with everything I said, probably more so because we’re besties and tend to think alike in many situations as opposed to being just because we’re both women, but that wasn’t the best part. What was funnier was the analogy I mentioned to her that I’d given to the men.

You see, during the course of that evening, everyone attempted to use a bottle opener very similar to the one shown above. Seems simple, right? Negative. It took like 4 people to open up one little measly bottle of wine, because what looked like a simple bottle opener was complicated as all hell. We were twisting and repositioning and giving up and trying again and all along, I just kept thinking why don’t they have a regular wine opener like this one? –>

Well, I eventually found out that the bottle opener up top was not just a wine opener, but was also supposed to be used to open up beer bottles and the such. Except that more than a few people ended up having to use the bottle opener on my key chain (don’t judge), because again – this simple bottle opener was more complicated than it realized and basically useless (because it didn’t realize how complex it really was). If you’re wondering because you didn’t read the title of the post, yes – I was comparing this bottle opener to the men. You think it’s simple but when you go to use it, eh not so much lol.

What do you all think? Am I being too harsh on the men? Or are you as tired of hearing the same ol “we’re really simple” crap as I am?

I have mistletoe in my apartment.

This is nothing new, though. It’s been a part of my Christmas decorations for the past several years, actually. Except that for some reason, it’s rarely been used. Well, at least by me… I had a roommate for many of those years, so I can’t speak to whether it was used by anyone else.

But for me – the person who purchased the mistletoe… mmmm, maybe two or three times? In like five years. Talk about pathetic. And the crazy part is that it’s not because I’ve been alone all these years during Christmas. I’ve had guys I’m seeing around this time. But they’ve either been long distance or if they lived here and came over to my place, they weren’t all that keen on waiting to kiss me under some bush hanging from the arch of my kitchen doorway. In fact, the only times I’ve been kissed under said mistletoe was when I purposely stood underneath it and said, “ahem… don’t you see me standing under the mistletoe?” and did my standing underneath the mistletoe dance, which is very similar to my “hey look at my sexy side tattoo” dance. You have to see it to get its impact.

Either way, the point is that the mistletoe doesn’t get used very often. And yet, every year I continue to put it up as part of the decorations. Maybe I need to start wearing the hats the guys in high school used to wear with the mistletoe connected to get my guy to kiss me underneath it?

Who knows.

But the mistletoe isn’t the only Christmas item not getting used.

Every year, I also find myself buying Christmas lingerie. Even though I’ve yet to date many guys who want or care about lingerie. You know the ones who have liked it? The ones that were long distance… oh yeah, that helps… especially prior to me getting a Skype account. Now tell me what sense it makes for a woman to have an entire drawer section of red and white, white, and red lingerie (some with bows to unwrap lol) when she consistently dates men who would rather she not bother with it at all? It’s like Victoria’s Secret knows where I’m weak and they know that come December, I can’t manage to turn down the amazing lingerie offers they tend to send to customers.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there – I have Christmas candles that never get lit, Christmas cupcake makers that are never put in the oven, and at least 4 left over Christmas cards from each year for the past 3 or 4 years. I suppose in the next 3 years, I won’t have to buy a set of Christmas cards. I can just compile all the left over ones into one set.

I’m like a Christmas hoarder almost. I keep buying stuff for the holiday and they just sit in my apartment, never getting used. Is it just me though? Do you have items you purchase or continue to have for the holidays, even though you don’t use them regularly? Don’t leave me out here alone in my holiday craziness lol.

I get all kinds of ridiculous things that come to my email. I’m not sure if I accidentally subscribed to some of this crap or if by subscribing to one, I got subscribed to like 20, but either way – every morning, I’m usually deleting at least 15-20 emails without even reading them. It’s usually stuff like newsletters from Spiegel or Newport News or the Los Angeles Times asking if I want to change my online free subscription to a paid subscription (even though I don’t live anywhere near LA, but whatever, right?). I also get emails about from places like IVillage and PopSugar, and apparently recently SheFinds.

Well the other day, SheFinds sent me an email with the following title – 10 Beauty Trends Men Hate. Okay, I admit – I was intrigued, so I figured let me see if this would be one of the duh type articles or if it would actually tell me something I didn’t know before reading. Well, ummmm… it turns out it was a bit of both. Some things were pretty obvious, such as men don’t like big feathery (like, actual feathers!) fake lashes. Well, guess what? I don’t know any women who would think that’s cute either.

But there were some things that kind of hurt my heart. Specifically, the idea that men don’t like creative nail polish. Do you know how much I love my little fancy nail polish things now? I say now because since college, I’ve mostly been a nude nail polish type of gal – but lately, I’ve been having fun with them! Heck, I was just telling CCB how the new Sally Hansen nail polish stickers were the greatest invention this year. Also, I tend to dress relatively conservative (unless it’s time to go out and partay of course), so my nails are kind of my way to still be a little bit of a rebel. You know, show that I’m about my business, but damn it – I’m still in my 20s and I like Rihanna too! Lol… But apparently – I’m turning the fellas off with my striped or hot pink nails.

Who knew? Guess I gotta go back to my nudes.

I certainly wouldn’t want my nails to be my downfall lol.

Oh, but there’s more… apparently men hate red lipstick too. Now this would be a shocker to Trey Songz (who likes it so much he made a song about it), as well as a certain person at this year’s homecoming who kept complimenting me on how sexy my red lips were to him. I guess they didn’t get the memo. What I’ve absolutely never heard before was that red lipstick reminded men of their moms (what SheFinds claims); listening to Trey Boogie, you’d think quite the opposite actually.

But that’s neither here nor there, the important point was that once again women and men are looking at specific things completely differently. You know, you always hear about guy sexy vs girl sexy and I tend to think most of that stuff is a farce, but maybe there’s something to it? And could it be that because most women dress according to what we think is cute or sexy, we’re inadvertently turning men off? Really?

What do you all think? And guys – have you ever seen a cute girl with one of these beauty trends and thought to yourself, ah well, that’s a negative on her?

Side Note: It’s the day before Thanksgiving, guys! So please enjoy your day to the fullest. Spend it with your loved ones and be thankful for the small things in life. I’m thankful for all of you who read the blog (and mostly comment to me personally lol, but at least you comment in some way or another haha). Have an awesomely AMAZING day!!!!